Master Satirist CRAIG BROWN Writes A Naughty Rewrite Of Meghan Markle’s The Bench

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It’s one of the most highly anticipated books of the year – the Duchess of Sussex’s first children’s book, The Bench.

Meghan dedicated the 34-page illustrated story to Prince Harry and their son Archie, saying they “make my heart beat.”

Still, after its release this week, critics were unimpressed, with one calling it a “self-help guide for needy parents,” though kids might get excited about the colorful pictures, if not the clunky verse.

In a spirit of fun, the Mail’s incomparable satirist CRAIG BROWN takes a jovial stab in his own interpretation of Meghan’s poetry…

Meghan Markle's 34-page illustrated story was released this week and critics were disappointed.  The Mail's incomparable satirist Craig Brown takes a jovial stab at his own interpretation of Meghan's poetry

Meghan Markle’s 34-page illustrated story was released this week and critics were disappointed. The Mail’s incomparable satirist Craig Brown takes a jovial stab at his own interpretation of Meghan’s poetry

1. This is my desk

Where I come up with verses

That I can never fully scan

Oh, curse!

But at least they rhyme

Quite a bit of time

And if you think they don’t

Well, that’s your opinion, not mine.

Or would that ‘mine’ be better than ‘dirty’

rhyme with ‘time’

Or ‘lime’, or ‘mime’, or ‘slime’?

Writing nursery rhymes is so difficult, I am I

Tempted to call it a day

And spend all my energy

To save our planet

Instead of just copying that Janet

And book John

I read as a child

Don’t say I didn’t

Because my truth is that I did.

This is my desk

Where I call my friends Serena

Oprah, Amal, the Beckhams and Barack

‘Hey guys! Good idea! Let’s make our world greener!’

This is my desk

Where I take calls from the Queen

‘Hey! meg! How are you?

What’s new, honey? Where have you been?’

2. We talk about everything, HM and I –

Kanye, lip gloss, sushi and fashion

Personal growth, box sets, book deals and TV,

And how to spread love, peace, truth and compassion.

HM ask my advice

About how to be authentic

I tell her it means speaking

Almost like you meant it.

‘You should smile and wave more,

Be true to your roots.

Do a little sincere –

That’s a trick I learned on Suits.

‘And when love flows’

It will be like heaven, you

Being overloaded with awards

Besides increasing your turnover.’

And it’s about this time that I tell her

I made a foolish bet

That I’ll decide we’re besties

By calling my girl Lilibet.

3. This is the chicken coop

Where we feed our chicks

They are all under contract

Looking cute on Netflix.

4. This is your desk

Where the critics can’t hurt you

And you can spend all day

Signaling your virtue.

This is the desk

For daddy and son when he gets older

Though not MY daddy –

No, I gave him the cold shoulder.

I won’t talk to my sister either

That viper, shark, panther:

You can speak of compassion, but

Don’t name Samantha.

Here on my desk,

The place you will call home thuis

With daddy and son

Where you’ll never be ‘lonely’

Oh my gosh I can’t make lone

Rhyme with home.

My nursery rhyme has unfolded

But as a proud mother, wife, feminist, duchess, and activist, I remain committed to elevating and uniting communities, spreading compassion, attending premieres, dressing smart/casual, and telling our truth

To the world.

.