Well, here’s a change of direction. I was prepared to stay at my host’s house, although I was a little nervous about being murdered, having only met him once. And then, a few days before my departure, I received the WhatsApp message from David 2.0.
Hi Liz. My place isn’t ready yet. There are no curtains, for example. Here’s a better idea: I’ve booked you a room at Kilworth House. You can come whenever you want and rest after a long journey. Then I’ll pick you up at 4.15pm (in the white Ferrari, ha!) and take you to the garden party. I thought you could stop by my place on Saturday when you get back. I’ve already paid for the hotel and breakfast. At least it looks like the weather will be nice.
I tell him I understand, because I quickly googled the hotel, because I don’t even have a kitchen, but I don’t want him to pay for my accommodation. He tells me it’s a done deal. “We can compare war stories about the traders who aren’t listed.”
I can’t wait to see his house. I show his messages to Nic. “Wow. He’s rich and generous. I think he’s a great fit.”
I tell you I’m not a common hooker. Never, ever, ever in a million years had a man paid for my hotel stay. My then husband once promised to pay for our hotel in New York (the same one where Sex in the citySamantha cheats on Smith, with her vertical garden in the lobby; we went up in the same elevator, a fact my husband didn’t notice. It was his penance for yet another adventure. But his card, a Santander Electron, didn’t work, so I ended up footing the bill.
David 1.0 took me to Ramsgate on my birthday, but at the reception desk at Albion House he said he wasn’t entirely sure he could pay, plus he had a cold. My present was a novelty pen I bought at the Turner Gallery.
Every holiday: Jamaica, at Ian Fleming’s villa Goldeneye; Puglia, at the Aveda spa; a honeymoon in Seville; Paris, at the Plaza Athenée in the Carrie Bradshaw suite with a view of the Eiffel Tower and the Dior spa; Marrakech, at the hotel where they filmed The Night Manager (we had the suite where Sophie Alekan was murdered – so glad it’s been cleaned!); Claridge’s; The Connaught; The Rosewood with a view of the Shard; Babington House with its rooftop jacuzzi which we never went into because he said it was “too windy”; a villa in St Tropez; Lime Wood in the New Forest; a pub on Dartmoor; a Georgian Airbnb in Edinburgh with its creaking fridge; Soho House; Kettner’s; The (dear, defunct) Hospital Club in Covent Garden with its sex toy menu that David 1.0 deemed “too expensive” (I spent £800 buying burgers for Rebel Wilson and her entourage in the hope she’d opt for my novel; she didn’t); the Mercer in New York’s SoHo, where I rode up in a lift with Meg Ryan; Bono’s hotel in Dublin (noisy; honestly, he should be a travel writer); the Mandarin Oriental with its infinity pool overlooking Central Park; various Pigs, and so on, have all been paid for by me.
And men always, always, head straight for the minibar, leaving a pile of receipts and dirty coins on a surface.
Of course, relationships aren’t just about money, but how touching is it when a man goes out of his way to do something for you without complaining or insulting, or demanding written instructions or a pie chart?
How comforting it is to be taken care of. In my case, that’s as rare as a snow leopard. Let me think. Hmm, nothing. So far. Wow.
I feel a little disloyal to David 1.0. Despite inviting him here, he hasn’t responded. Just have the guts to reach out. You’re not 12. I wonder if I should tell him I have a date, if it is a date. In a Ferrari. And in a country hotel suite. He’ll be spitting thumbtacks! Won’t he?
JONES MOANS… WHAT LIZ HATES THIS WEEK
- Why do workers a) use your bathroom and b) leave the seat up? I’m not your wife, bitch.
- Sky Glass. You have to turn on subtitles every time you turn it on or change channels. I’m not Lazarus.
- Royals wearing medals: My father fought against the Nazis in Italy and North Africa. He kept his medals in a drawer.
- Poop bags. When you only want one, but the roll keeps unrolling.
Contact Liz at GoddessLizJones.com and find it @lizjonesgoddess
