A life coach has revealed the toxic traits of Valentine’s Day that can be destructive to your marriage and how you should spend February 14.
Hannah Keley55-year-old from Virginia uses a combination of faith and psychology to help mothers banish stress and transform their lives, including their marriage.
The mother of seven has maintained that she and her husband, Blair, have not argued once in 34 years of marriage thanks to their constant communication.
Whenever you get angry at each other, you share your feelings, expectations, and whatever internal narrative is going on in your head instead of fighting.
Life coach Hannah Keeley, 55, of Virginia, uses a combination of faith and psychology to help mothers de-stress and transform their lives, including their marriages.
The mother of seven has maintained that she and her husband, Blair, have not argued once in 34 years of marriage thanks to their constant communication.
Speaking to FEMAIL, Keeley explained that “the biggest problem with Valentine’s Day is that it distinguishes what should be normalized in a marriage.”
“Valentine’s Day carries a romantic allure: candles, roses, champagne dinners and hours of intimacy,” she said. “Then, on February 15, you’re back to ‘normal life’ with busy schedules, sexless nights, and tense communication.”
The parenting and lifestyle expert has shared three things couples should do to strengthen their marriages and make the Valentine’s Day feeling last all year long.
Normalize intimacy
Keeley explained that the pressure to have sex on Valentine’s Day can be a problem for couples who don’t have regular intimacy.
“Ask any woman who’s waxed, tweezed, and self-tanned herself into oblivion on Valentine’s Day: February 14 often feels like an obligatory night of sex,” she said. “However, sex is a powerful tool, not a ‘to do’ list item.”
The life coach warned against experts’ suggestions to “schedule sex or hit a monthly quota for a healthy marriage,” saying “the perspective is still wrong.”
He explained that sex then becomes seen as “something that ought do’ and ‘not necessarily what want do.’
‘Sex in marriage is the culmination of communication, self-confidence, trust and vulnerability. “When any of these variables don’t work, sex suffers and then becomes something you put pressure on yourself to perform,” she said.
“A couple can normalize intimacy and leverage it to achieve their healthiest state by working daily on the factors that support it.”
Keeley recommended that you get into the habit of affectionately touching your partner to establish intimacy.
“When you’re both in the same room, don’t leave without some kind of PDA, even if it grosses your kids out,” she said.
“Intimacy is an energy you carry throughout the day, not just something that comes up a few times a week.”
Keeley explained that “the biggest problem with Valentine’s Day is that it distinguishes what should be normalized in a marriage.”
The lifestyle expert advises adopting the habit of affectionately touching your partner to establish intimacy, stating that it is “an energy that you carry throughout the day.”
Practice gratitude
Keeley emphasized that couples should practice gratitude every day, not just on Valentine’s Day.
“Just scan the aisle of Valentine’s Day cards; they all say pretty much the same thing: ‘I appreciate you,'” he said. ‘It’s not enough to set aside a day to appreciate your partner.’
He explained that “marriage is based on mutual gratitude” and buying your partner a dozen roses on February 14 “doesn’t give you a ‘thank you pass’ for the rest of the year.”
“Recognizing what your partner brings to the relationship and sharing it openly with them on a regular basis is not only a good idea, but necessary if you want to have a happy and healthy marriage,” she said.
“Appreciation is not something that is relegated to a holiday, but rather a mindset that we must intentionally foster toward one another.”
Keeley also emphasized that couples should practice gratitude for each other every day, not just on Valentine’s Day.
Keeley suggested bringing a notebook and pen to your romantic Valentine’s dinner and asking your partner, ‘How can I love you better?’
Communicate constantly
Keeley explained that couples often try to “bite their tongues” to “avoid fights” on Valentine’s Day, but have an “anything goes” attitude toward communication the rest of the year.
“A marriage is built on communication, but it is often one of the most overlooked areas of the relationship,” she said.
The life coach suggested bringing a notebook and pen to your romantic Valentine’s dinner and asking your partner: ‘How can I love you better?’
‘Be open and practice vulnerability and honesty with others, and gain deep wisdom about your relationship. Talk about how you communicate,” she advised.
‘What are the typical problems? What obstacles stand in the way of intimacy? Do any of you have any pain? What is love really like every day and not just on February 14?
“When you dive deep into your partner’s heart, you’ll discover that the magic of Valentine’s Day can be a constant experience in your relationship.”
Keeley said you should also start asking yourself questions focused on yourself when you’re feeling upset with your partner.
“Anger is simply a feeling that arises when you feel that a personal rule has been broken, such as ‘my partner must get my approval before making decisions,'” she explained.
‘Before you engage in combat with your partner when you feel angry, start asking yourself why you really feel that way, what rule was broken and what should be different and why.
“You could even share this internal rule with them as an insight into your thought processing, not as an attempt to force them to follow it,” he added.
“Doing introspective work can provide enough clarity to stay intimately connected to your spouse all year long.”