Dear Jane,
My wife and I are having some friends over for dinner in a few days and one of our guests asked if he could bring someone else. We have plenty of space so we said yes, excited to have a new member in our friendship group!
But while I was making the seating chart, I realized I didn’t know the companion’s name, so I asked my friend to text me her information.
When she responded, my jaw dropped.
The woman in question has a unique name and I quickly realized that she is the same person who has been having an affair with the fiancé of one of our other guests.
Dear Jane, I accidentally invited the woman who is having an affair with my best friend’s fiancé to dinner with her and I don’t know what to do.
The fiancé will not come with us because he has plans with his children from a previous marriage, but his partner will be there and she has no idea that he has this relationship behind her back.
However, I know that the woman having the affair will probably recognize the woman her boyfriend is engaged to…
I don’t think anyone else realized they’re both going to be in the same room together and I don’t know how to handle it. If I disinvite someone, I’m worried that I’ll look rude or, worse, raise suspicions. But if both of them show up, that could result in an even more horrible situation.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ hottest topics in her column Dear Jane, Agony Aunt
Please help!
Of,
I have no idea what to do
Dear, I have no idea what to do:
We always get into trouble when we try to control outcomes or intervene in things that have nothing to do with us.
Complicity in affairs (knowing that a friend of yours is having an affair) is always a heavy burden to bear, and just think, if you didn’t know anything about the affair, you wouldn’t be stressed right now. You would have been delighted with the companion and would not think twice. If the guest recognized the wife or behaved strangely towards her, you probably won’t even notice her.
I agree that there is no easy way out of this situation, so I would suggest letting the chips fall where they may. Be a gracious host and know that other people’s bad behavior has nothing to do with you. A large glass of wine can help.
And the next time a friend starts telling you about an affair, stop them. I don’t think it’s fair to put other people in situations that leave them no choice but to be complicit.
Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been happily married for seven years. We have a great marriage and relationship and a comfortable life that we have built together. So why write, you might ask?
Well, right before my husband and I started dating, I had had an on-again, off-again affair with an ex that lasted for years. We weren’t right for each other in a relationship, but the sexual chemistry was so great that we continued to reconnect, and it was only when I met my husband that I was able to break up with him once and for all.
While sex with my husband is different than with my ex (more loving, but perhaps less passionate), I knew I had made the right decision by choosing a loving relationship instead of one based purely on lust.
But lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex-partner. Not just thinking about him, but fantasizing about him and the times we used to have together. And what doesn’t help is that he has contacted me again, telling me that he has been thinking about me a lot too.
He knows I’m married and for the past seven years all the messages we’ve exchanged have been friendly and nothing more.
But recently that has changed and we have been sending each other flirty text messages that are becoming increasingly sexual in nature, even admitting to each other that we miss those past encounters. And now he’s making it very clear that if I can find a time to sneak away, he would want to resume our sexual relationship.
I suddenly realize how easy it would be to meet him after work and then one thought leads to another…
Maybe it’s just the seven-year itch, but here I am, knowing how much passion I have for this other man, and knowing that that other man is reaching out to me now and loves me as much as I love him.
I don’t want to betray my husband; The relationship and collaboration with him are worth more to me. Believe. But I’m very tempted to meet up with my ex. Then what do I do? Have a passionate affair that could put my marriage at risk, or stay in a secure marriage but never be completely sexually satisfied? Is there even a path where I can overcome this desire and temptation and find that satisfaction with my husband?
Of,
Led to temptation
Dear led into temptation,
Well, of course, you’ve been thinking a lot about your ex – the fact that he slides into your DMs, reminding you of a perfect past (which probably wasn’t so perfect, or why would he be an ex?). , and a passionate sex life means it’s only natural that you’re thinking about him.
Fantasizing about an ex, idealizing a sex life with that sex, is a convenient and common way to avoid the complicated and often arduous work of maintaining a marriage. It’s much easier to get lost in flirty, sexy messages that make you feel seen than it is to focus on your happy, comfortable, and maybe a little boring marriage.
But the truth is, most marriages become what I call “pots and pans” after a while. As passionate as they may be at first, after a few years we get stuck in our routines, take each other for granted, and that secure, loving marriage can start to seem lackluster, particularly in comparison to an idealized lustful relationship from the past.
You say you don’t want to betray your husband, so… don’t do it. No matter how sexy your ex’s emails make you feel, no matter how good your sex life is, it’s not worth throwing away a loving marriage with a good man for a few decent hookups.
Lust is a powerful emotion, and it is difficult to get away from it, but it is necessary to get away. Stop the emails, recognize them for what they really are: not a reminder of great sex, but a regular dose of dopamine hits, which are addictive and dangerous.
Imagine the pain you would cause your husband and the regret you would feel by breaking up your marriage for a few nights of passion. How do we know it will only be a few nights? Because passion doesn’t last, the ex is an ex for a reason, and the prospect of illicit sex is always more exciting simply because it’s illicit.
Above all, know that the grass is greener where you water it. The sooner you get through the emails and start focusing on your marriage again, the better for everyone. I can promise you that if you go on an adventure, you will end up with a broken heart and a life full of regret.