Joe Biden has lost it.
No, not his brain. That became cream decades ago.
Finally, its most fervent and frothy cheerleaders – from the New York Times to the dreary Daily Show – are fleeing the rubble and tentatively raising the alarm.
Why did it take you so long? Why do liberals finally wake up with a wet bed and admit that, perhaps, their fading candidate has slipped from his moorings?
You have to give them credit, they stayed and held on as long as they could, inventing all the excuses and ruses that suited them. That young Joe was raring to go, the senility claims were a MAGA witch hunt, and haven’t you seen how fabulous Kamala is?
But now, as the sun rises on the latest poll (conducted by Quinnipiac) claiming that 64 percent of Americans think Biden is mentally incapable, they find themselves beyond the point of no return, stuck with a candidate they don’t want. nor can they replace.
Joe Biden has lost it. No, not his brain. That became cream decades ago. Finally, his most fervent and sparkling cheerleaders are fleeing the rubble and timidly raise the alarm.
Meanwhile, Biden’s list of lost lovers grows by the day and his approval rating dwindles like cashmere in a hot dryer.
Jon Stewart is back to resurrect The Daily Show, a sad shadow of its former self after Stewart strayed into getting rich at Apple TV for a few years and boring Trevor Noah sank the franchise into irrelevance.
And, despite Stewart’s manly hatred of Donald, boy did he save some grenades for biddy Biden in the opening salvo – titled ‘Electile Dysfunction’ – of his comeback appearance.
‘Fire everyone!’ Stewart burst out. “These two candidates face the same challenge and push the limits of their ability to do the most difficult job in the world.”
On Biden specifically: “If the barbarians are at the door, you want Conan [the Barbarian] Standing on the ramparts, not the chocolate chip cookie guy!
Are you listening, Mad Rachel Madow and her fellow White House groupies on MSNBC?
It’s even betrayal season at the New York Times, where the Gray Lady is no longer in love with the White Fossil.
A series of self-consciously critical op-eds – with silky headlines like ‘The Challenges of an Aging President’ and even one from establishment poster girl Maureen Dowd – were doubled down by nepo-editor AG Sulzberger.
Like Stewart, Sulzberger couldn’t resist hitting Don where it hurts. But at least he’s waking up to Biden’s nap time.
‘We will continue to report fully and fairly, not only on Donald Trump but also on President Joe Biden. “He is a historically unpopular incumbent and the oldest man to hold this office,” Sulzberger purred earlier this week.
‘We have reported extensively on both realities’, and you? – ‘and the White House has been extremely upset about this.’
Oh no, not the White House! They haven’t been challenged for so long by outlets like the Toothless Times that they’ve let their own compromised Commander bite them in the butt. Wink, wink (wow, wow).
‘[Biden] “I must do better,” the NYT editorial board declared following special counsel Robert Hur’s mortifying report, which criticized Joe as an “old man with a bad memory.”
“He needs to do more to show the public that he is fully capable of holding office until he is 86.”
If the NYT were completely honest, they would drop the old goat and admit that the only “else” thing Biden is capable of doing is ordering a second helping at the nursing home ice cream buffet.
But the truth is that the Gray Lady finds herself in a very complicated situation, after having spilled so much ink propping up a president she no longer wants.
So out comes the caretaker-in-chief, Ezra Klein, to tap dance the line of semantic contradictions, explaining to us less common people that, while Biden is as good of a president, he simply doesn’t have a full tank of guarantees to run. president. Good?
And don’t worry, Ezra is here to save the day, serving up a microwave-ready feast to satisfy our hungry needs. You guessed it: one step forward…Kamala Harris.
Despite admitting that she’s as popular as lice in a hat store, that people literally hate her like food poisoning on a crowded bus (or, as he put it, “she hasn’t thrived as vice president” ), Ezra just knows that’s not the case.
The cackling Kamala is “underrated,” she tells us, “capable,” and privately, my goodness, she’s just charming (“hugely magnetic and compelling”).
Your only problem? Convince the entire evil American public that they have misunderstood her.
Don’t worry, Ezra Klein is here to save the day and delivers a microwave-ready feast to satisfy our hungry needs. You guessed it: one step forward…Kamala Harris.
As Ezra teaches us, this is really our fault. What chance did Kamala have in this racist, sexist hellhole of a nation: ‘A world that’s afraid of women being angry, of black people being angry’?
Oh, pull the other one, Ezzy!
Even the bluest of the flag bearers I saw at this week’s Daytona 500 were clutching T-shirts that said, ‘SLEEPY JOE AND THE HOE MUST GO.’ A little rude, sure, but so is the harsh reality facing America.
Kamala and court jester Ezra might be planning a closed-door coronation (“from the river to the sea, leave Joe and choose me!”), but it hardly matters.
There’s talk of parachuting into a life-saving convention this summer, but we all know the top ham isn’t fatty enough: Gavin Newsom is a hack and Michelle O just doesn’t want the job.
So traitors David Axelrod, Hilaria Clinton and even the bilious Bill Maher can shed tears. But it’s too little, too late and too bad.