The first time I saw a UFO when I was six years old. From the trunk of my parents’ truck, I saw a multicolored disk floating in the night sky.
To be fair, he was jumping without a seat belt (as was done in those days), so what he saw was most likely the symptom of a mild concussion suffered after a bump impact.
My next close encounter came when I was in high school. The first time I smoked marijuana I had a vivid dream of bubble-fingered visitors standing in front of me, singing, ‘geeble! Gee!’
It put me off for life but, perhaps strangely enough, it turned me into a believer in the paranormal.
So when mysterious drones appeared in the skies over northern New Jersey earlier this month, I went full X-Files.
I figured our saurian overlords had finally tired of our earthly disputes and sent an interdimensional flotilla to emulsify us all. Humanity was finally being invaded by ‘ACK ACK!’ aliens.
And if you think that sounds crazy, just listen to some of the other conspiracies floating around out there.
Former Skinnygirl Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel said the drones were actually secret American vacuum helicopters trying to detect missing nuclear weapons, radiation or errant dirty bombs.
And Roseanne Barr, who just solved RFK Jr’s dead bear ruse in Central Park, has been talking about Project Blue Beam (a wild theory that authoritarians will exploit false alien sightings to sow mass confusion and take over the world). .
Then there are the chosen crazy ones.
Sassy congressional rodeo clown Marjorie Taylor Greene republished a good old-fashioned chemtrail theory. While New Jersey Congressmen Chris Smith and Jeff Van Drew falsely insisted that an “Iranian mothership” off the US coast was launching “evasive maneuvering” vehicles into our airspace.
Yes, everything is crazy. But at least these nuts are doing something.
The bureaucrats in charge of US national security have been as helpful as Kamala Harris in explaining the sightings.
Entrenched members of the Deep State, from the White House to the Pentagon, the FBI and DHS, have met the growing public hysteria with a collective shrug.
So let me, a true believer, set the record straight.
Drone swarms are undoubtedly the work of nerdy hobbyists and bored teenagers. Half of the sightings are misidentified planes or stars. And if someone in the Biden administration took a minute to update their resume and announce it from a podium, they could have saved us all some time and hassle.
The Garden State is not under attack by aliens or Iranians, chemtrailers or autocrats. But the United States is under attack by establishment incompetence.
God willing, we will soon discover evidence of intelligent life… in Washington DC.
Assad’s favorite network
Rule #1 at CNN: Always get involved in a story. Forget vetting or vetting of any kind, if something seems lewd and you can get involved in it, then it’s solid CNN gold.
The rule applies even if we’re talking about a shivering “prisoner” discovered in a Syrian torture chamber by war zone blonde Clarissa Ward. Never mind that this man turned out to be one of Assad’s followers. torturersresponsible for the deaths of countless innocents. Details!
I hear that Hamas is now wondering if the gullible Ward can tour some Israeli prisons. The terrorist group has some ‘dads’ they would like her to help free.
egg in the face
In an interview about her new film ‘Babygirl’, Nicole Kidman humbly admitted that her problem is that she gets too excited.
Nic described how she and her husband, musician Keith Urban, like to visit cancer patients, so he can play a few bars while she stands there and feels deeply.
‘I go to hospitals. Keith and I will work wherever we go,” she said. ‘He’ll bring his guitar and we’ll be, you know, in the oncology units. And I don’t have to absorb someone else’s emotions.’
She also shared that Keith tells her, “You’re like a raw egg that I have to be the shell of.”
I bet you can make a meringue as creamy as this self-indulgent swill!
Nancy’s bad trip
Although Nancy Pelosi’s stock portfolio may continue to skyrocket, the 84-year-old former House speaker has not defied gravity.
He suffered a bad fall during a trip to Luxembourg and had to undergo an emergency hip replacement. He’s no doubt praying he gets up in time to kick Biden’s old ass in a few weeks.
Looking huge, Hugh
Call him Hugh Jacked-man, because Wolverine has traded in his adamantium claws for steel pectorals.
The 56-year-old flaunted a glowing physique this week on an Australian beach. Because? He is rumored to have left his 69-year-old ex-wife, Deborra-Lee Furness, for his much younger The Music Man co-star Sutton Foster.
He handles his midlife crisis very well.
Call him Hugh Jacked-man, because Wolverine has traded in his adamantium claws for steel pectorals.
mad Men
Dismal new polls reveal that 39 percent of Americans feel that the election of Donald Trump has eroded their already weakened trust in the government. But that’s not the victory Democrats might think it is.
40 percent said Trump will be more “effective” at achieving his goals than Biden.
Basically, everyone hates everyone, but Trump will help them get their way, so who cares.
The sun has risen!
Sydney Sweeney delighted her fans when she took the girls to sunbathe at her beachfront villa in Florida last week.
Her healthy curves sent an inspiring message to any anorexia naysayers: drink your Hatorade, Sydney knows it’s the best snack.
Sydney Sweeney delighted her fans when she took the girls to sunbathe at her beachfront villa in Florida last week.
Camala 2.0
Does the crimson-lipped communist AOC have her sights set on something embarrassingly white, like a house where the president lives?
She has reportedly been telling anyone who will listen that she is done with petty progressive posturing and is ready to move into the mainstream in hopes of running in 2028.
Pretending to be moderate didn’t work for Kamala, “my values never changed.” So I think Bernie in boobies will have an even harder time selling this fake change.