Now that the Democratic elite has successfully ousted Joe Biden, America must prepare for a deafening possibility:
Presi-Brat Harris coconut tree.
(Don’t you understand me? Sorry, man!)
I don’t care what the polls say. General elections in the United States are always on a knife edge, and the end result is a coin toss that teeters between the fickle feelings of independents, undecideds, and poorly informed bird-brains.
As he will never let us forget, even Hillary Clinton won the popular vote, so by my calculations there is a 50% chance that Crazy Kam will actually win.
Now that the Democratic establishment has successfully defenestrated Joe Biden, America must prepare for a deafening possibility: brat-like President Coconut Tree Harris.
And if that laughter-filled dystopia becomes reality, this is, I imagine, the scene in January 2025:
There she is, gulping down the story, strutting in her red revenge pantsuit on the balcony of the U.S. Capitol building (renamed for the inauguration).
Fist-bumping and winking at former lover Willie Brown, she muses, “At 90, he’s still got it.”
There’s plump Doug Emhoff, beaming and licking the insides of a jelly doughnut from his fingers.
As second gentleman, he led a campaign against “toxic masculinity.” By this point, Kamala was happy with any masculinity.
But President H has a lot to be proud of today.
After defeating Donald in a close election, he used the IRS to target Trump’s ten grandchildren, driving the family into hiding.
Eric Trump is rumored to be encouraging a rebellion of crazy people wearing Viking helmets that also have a strange moles-like appearance.
But that’s a problem for another day.
“It’s Momala’s turn!” he shouts.
Dr. Jill Biden, still fuming over the coup that thwarted her plans to rule the country through ventriloquism, is visibly seen vibrating in her seat at the back of the row.
She left Sleepy at her home in Delaware with a tub of Breyers.
At the front, next to Vice President George Clooney, is the first daughter Frida Kahlo, I mean Ella Emhoff.
She looks elegant in a Calvin Klein kufiya and a midriff-baring dress emblazoned with the Palestinian flag.
At the front, next to Vice President George Clooney, is the first daughter Frida Kahlo, I mean Ella Emhoff.
Vice President Clooney nods approvingly, his ivory veneers gleaming in the January sun.
He was chosen as his running mate after driving one of the final nails into Comatose Joe’s presidential coffin.
But Amal Clooney, now Secretary of Defense, is the real winner.
In his first official act, he had Seal Team Six capture Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and hand him over to the International Criminal Court for swift prosecution.
The Surgeon General is Dr. Dre, because he has stronger medical credentials than Dr. Jill (plus, Kamala loved smoking weed and listening to him in the 70s).
And Kimberley Cheatle has been restored to her rightful position as Director of the Secret Service.
Because in this administration diversity will trump credentials!
Kamala looks out at the dozens of people in attendance. Since gasoline is now illegal, most people find it too expensive to ride their bikes to Washington.
And now his historic speech begins:
‘Today is what yesterday wanted to be, and tomorrow this will be our yesterday.
We are here as a nation, which is a country, but not a continent, but part of a continent with other countries and nations.
We are all children of the community, which was a comedy, full of bogeymen who lived together in a commune.
I’ve never been to Europe. Amen.
Thanks to the US Border Tsarina, that didn’t happen. Our collective goose will be cooked on a gas-free stove, of course.
Sofa so ugly
Trump’s vice presidential nominee, the squat, sedentary JD Vance, is already deflating like a West Wing fart cushion and sinking into the couch of Republican estimations.
The brazen Buckeye is in deep trouble after feline-loving women like Jennifer Aniston responded to his harsh criticism of Kamala as a “childless cat lady.”
Meanwhile, some whisper that Don regrets choosing that sexist, mediocre person who sits around sleeping on the couch. Can you blame him?
Trump’s vice presidential nominee, the squat and sedentary JD Vance, is already sinking into the Republican polls.
Billy the bully
Speaking of rednecks, Billy Ray Cyrus has exposed himself as an abusive jerk in a newly discovered recording in which he can be heard berating every woman who has suffered through him in his 62 years.
Of his third wife and last ex, Australian singer Firerose, he said: “You’re a fucking selfish bitch.”
He labelled his famous daughter Miley a “devil” and a “slut”, his youngest son Noah a “bitch” and his mother Tish – his second wife – a “scum of the earth”.
Now, sources close to Miley say this was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” and that Bilious Billy “is dead to her.” For a talentless man who has only found relevance and fortune through the brilliant women in his life, this will undoubtedly be the biggest punishment of all.
Speaking of rednecks, Billy Ray Cyrus has exposed himself as an abusive jerk in a newly discovered recording in which he can be heard berating every woman who has suffered through him in his 62 years.
Interference in gold
The Paris Olympics appear to have lifted Tokyo 2020’s prudish “privacy ban” by handing out 300,000 condoms to the 10,000 athletes who have descended on the city (that’s 10 per person per week!).
Meanwhile, the recyclable cardboard beds and wafer-thin mattresses provided by cheese eaters have been mercilessly mocked. But fear not: burly British diver Tom Daley filmed himself jumping up and down on all fours, proving they hold up pretty well.
Muscle effort
Daley’s diving buddy and greedy gold medal winner Jack Laugher complains that he doesn’t make enough money in the pool, so he and other handsome athletes supplement their income by showing off their Speedo-covered parts on OnlyFans.
These titans of taste have no shame, but they have many followers, including impressionable young people, whose understanding of Olympic determination, courage and bravery will be forever tarnished by this disgusting obscenity.
Daley’s diving buddy and greedy gold medal winner Jack Laugher complains that he doesn’t make enough money in the pool, so he and other handsome athletes supplement their income by showing off their Speedo-covered parts on OnlyFans.
The lonely queen Jennifer
For her birthday bash in the Hamptons this week, JLo took inspiration from Bridgerton’s reclusive Queen Charlotte and celebrated her 55th birthday with a themed soiree. Noticeably absent: her estranged and grumpy husband, who was presumably too busy doing who knows what.
If she was trying to lure him to Long Island with her busty period dress, perhaps powdered wigs and ballroom dancing weren’t the best bait.
Next year I should blow out the candles at Fenway Park with chicken wings and Hooters waitresses. Ben would definitely attend.
For her birthday bash in the Hamptons this week, JLo took inspiration from Bridgerton’s reclusive Queen Charlotte and celebrated her 55th birthday with a themed soiree. Noticeably absent: her estranged and grumpy husband, who was presumably too busy doing who knows what.
Melania reveals everything
It looks like elusive former first lady Melania Trump may be absent from the campaign trail for good reason: The swashbuckling, glamorous woman has been putting pen to paper, penning her memoir, which has a clever title: MELANIA.
We still don’t have a release date (we’re told it will be before the election) and there’s no word on what exciting revelations it contains, but who cares, we’ll all be reading.