I hope Lily Allen’s two daughters, now ages 12 and 10, don’t feel too guilty about their mother’s claim that they “completely ruined” her chance at pop stardom.
The singer, 38, stated this week that although she loves them and they ‘complete’ her, the fact that she prioritized them instead of her work caused her career to suffer.
Let’s think for a moment about that word “choose.” Yes, Lily, you made the decision to become a full-time mother and free yourself from the demands of being an actress and singer after establishing a very successful career.
Now you’re telling the world that women “can’t have it all.” How absolutely sexist! Saying this surely ignores the fact that, in most cases, there are two parents caring for a child.
Lily Allen with her first husband’s children, Marnie (left) and Ethel, and her second husband, David Harbour.
Lily says that while her children ‘complete’ her, they ‘totally ruined’ her singing career
It may have been Lily who took on the role of homemaker in their relationship, but it doesn’t always have to be the mother’s responsibility.
My husband David and I made the decision to move to the country in 1993 when we had our sons, Ed and Charlie. In our case, we left London for Macclesfield in Cheshire so that our children could attend a first-class northern primary school in Manchester and receive the kind of rigorous education we had both enjoyed at similar schools.
I remember with absolute clarity the day David broached the discussion about who should be the primary caregiver for our children. He had left the Navy and was helping friends run a business in London; I was the presenter of La Hora de la Mujer on Radio 4.
‘How would you feel,’ he asked, ‘if I were a full-time father? I think it’s important for children to have a father at home, especially when they start to grow up. It’s obvious that you won’t be the one to leave your job, so how about I do it?’
I agreed. I loved my job. He hadn’t been all that interested in what he was doing. As my job was in London, I rented a cheap basement in Camden Town, which I called Wuthering Depths – anything to laugh at while I learned to deal with being estranged from the family I loved.
On Sunday afternoons he would take me to Macclesfield station around 7pm, offering me all the help he could with my English, French and history homework. David was in charge of math and science. He would kiss everyone goodbye and head to London’s Euston.
Jenni Murray “had it all” by splitting the balance between work and childcare, with her husband staying home while she went out to work.
On Thursday afternoon it was time to get back on the train and go home. Some of my nights in London were sad and lonely and I missed family. Other nights were spent at the theater or having dinner with friends. During the day he was completely preoccupied with the work he loved.
Overall, I couldn’t have been happier. My boys were waiting for me at the station when I arrived around four in the afternoon on Thursday. For three days I spent time at parent-teacher conferences, inviting friends over, enjoying time at home, and then on Sunday night I went out again. It never ceased to amaze me that so many people seemed surprised by my lifestyle.
Would they have asked how difficult it was to be the breadwinner rather than the primary caregiver if I had been a man? Of course they wouldn’t.
Would anyone have disapproved of me spending so much time away from my children if it had been their father? Nobody would have said a word. It is not at all unusual for a man to travel a long distance from home and only spend the weekend with the children.
It wasn’t all easy for David either. He was as pleased with his lifestyle as the primary caregiver for the children as I was with my role as breadwinner, but from the frequent rather strange glances it was clear that many people found it strange that a man would choose to be a full-time father. Even my own father would ask me from time to time when he thought David might get a job. He was perplexed when I explained that he couldn’t because he had to take care of his grandchildren.
I wish young women like Lily would stop behaving as if they lived in the early 20th century instead of the 21st. Don’t you realize how insulting this is to those of us who work so hard to give you the right to have a job, independent means, and a family?
My mother was forced to leave her job in the civil service when she had me. She would have loved to have it all, but even when I was an independent teenager and she longed to earn her own money, she said, ‘No, I can’t.’ People will think Dad can’t afford to keep us.
Lily’s mother may have had problems when Lily’s father, actor Keith Allen, left her when Lily was just four years old. Like all single mothers, she would not have felt that it was about “having it all”, but rather about “having to do it all”.
Lily has had two husbands. She lives in New York with her children and her new husband, Stranger Things actor David Harbour, whom she married in 2020. Surely, between them, they could share the burden of childcare so that She can sing and act. There’s no need to blame kids for ruining your career.
As for this frequently absent mother, I can only thank my husband and two children, now grown, for never making me feel like I was letting them down. They often praised me for the programs they heard on the radio. They were proud of the work I did and the reputation I had. Now, as grown men, they are successful, supportive and loving of their fathers. Yes, ‘I had it all’ – and why not?
Fraudulent vet bills finally come under scrutiny
Veterinarians Are Finally Being Scrutinized For ‘Exorbitant Fees’
At long last, the Competition and Markets Authority will investigate the veterinary industry as millions of owners struggle to pay exorbitant fees.
In 2013, 89 percent of veterinary practices were privately owned.
Now more than half belong to six corporate chains. Young veterans have told me about the pressure to make more money. At my family practice, a new veterinarian said how lucky he felt to have found his job, where what matters is the health of the animal, not the amount of pet food or accessories he manages to sell.
I thank my son, a veterinarian, for suggesting I get a prescription and then buy the medication online. Cheaper.
When screenwriter James Graham admitted at the weekend that he had attended Workaholics Anonymous UK (yes, there is such a thing), I admit I was skeptical. Then I took the quiz myself. Yes, I take work to bed, on weekends and vacations. I get impatient with people for whom work is not a priority. I am a slave to my email and my phone. I feel agitated when I am inactive. Conclusion? I am a workaholic.
Are you resting, love? Never!
Whats Next? The team behind the University of Bristol’s Science of Happiness course has discovered that we need to ‘work’ to be happy. But I know that a night out chatting with friends, a walk in the park or lending a hand to a neighbor will make me happy. It’s a sad reflection of society when we need to be taught that.
Hitting ‘the Wakefield generation’
Vaccinating young adults, dubbed the ‘Wakefield Generation’, against measles is vital to stopping its spread.
We’ve known for some time that measles is raging among unvaccinated children. The NHS is now targeting young adults known as the Wakefield Generation: 900,000 young people aged 19 to 25 are at risk because their parents were frightened by Andrew Wakefield’s false link between MMR and autism.
Take the hit, big kids. Measles or mumps in your 20s won’t be much fun.