‘Why are you still single, Jana?’ is one of the most frequent (and annoying) questions I receive.
The answer is very simple: I have a deep-rooted fear of reaching an agreement.
I’ve seen friends, family, and acquaintances reach a certain age, become frightened by the ticking of their fertility clock or their dwindling number of appointments, and in their desperation, hook up with the nearest semi-decent guy and marry him without much thought.
A year or so later, they are sobbing in a divorce lawyer’s office over the sad state of their marriage, or worse, still stuck in a marriage that no longer interests them.
At least that’s how I’ve always seen it from the outside. It’s a complicated topic, and honestly, few people are willing to admit that their face settled for someone beneath them.
But I wanted to dig deeper, so I posed the question to my Instagram followers, who are always surprisingly candid when it comes to matters of the heart.
Have you ever settled for Mr. OK instead of waiting for Mr. Right? “I’m looking for women to share their honest stories about what it really takes to settle into a relationship,” I asked.
And oh, how the answers came.
I asked women to share their stories about what it really cost to settle for Mr. OK instead of waiting for Mr. Right, and the answers were even bleaker than I expected…
If I’m honest, they were bleak. It was a harsh reminder of how many people have learned the hard way that settling rarely leads to happiness.
These are some of the most surprising stories people shared with me…
‘I was 25 years old and had never had a boyfriend; I didn’t think I’d meet anyone. When we met, we had many friends in common. Still, I felt from the beginning that this might not be right.
‘We got married five years later: as I walked down the aisle, I had a terrible sinking feeling. Another five years later – 10 years together in total – and after having two children, I made the decision to stop drinking. A month later I quit.
‘I realized that the only thing we had in common, apart from our children, was drinking. I’ve always had a hard time following my instincts, but since leaving my husband I’ve always been ruthlessly honest with myself. If there is no connection, I will not settle.’
Another woman pulled no punches in summing up her nearly decade-long marriage to a man who couldn’t satisfy her in the bedroom.
‘After snoring in the bedroom for nine years, I finally discover that there is something better out there. I’ll never settle for bad sex again!’
One man also responded with a sad story of how he settled for a disrespectful partner because his self-esteem was tremendously low.
‘I used to be very obese and compromised on numerous occasions.
‘I stayed with a girl for two years, even with her insults and mental abuse. I lived in her house and helped raise her two children, even though she threatened to ask the children’s father to “fix me” whenever we argued. His mother also stole my possessions to sell them for smoking or drinking..
“I finally had the courage to leave when I found out my partner was sleeping with my best friend.”
A woman revealed that her sister lives with regret after leaving the man she had “settled for” because he did great things after their divorce..
‘This is my sister in a nutshell. For her, her husband was normal and now she is single and alone after the divorce and has no job. Meanwhile, he is now CEO and loving life. She always wanted more from her perfect man, he doesn’t exist.
When I asked her if her sister regretted not staying with her husband, she responded:
‘Big time! My ex brother-in-law was a saint to stay with her for 10 years. He had multiple affairs and I’m honestly glad he’s free. Now he realizes that the grass is not greener on the other side. He goes on vacation to “eat, pray and love,” he has a new house, and she got nothing out of the divorce because they never bought any assets together and her career didn’t really take off until after they got married.
“She’s bad with money, so he never committed to opening joint bank accounts or buying a house with her because he knew she couldn’t be trusted. After the divorce, he lives far beyond his means. Botox , hair, nails, clothes, a huge ute for God knows what reason, UberEats every night, weekends alone.
‘She didn’t know what she had (with her ex) until he left. He was loyal, hardworking and a family man, but she still felt like she was beneath him. Silly, silly, girl.
A woman confessed it took her 9 years of ‘snoring’ in the bedroom to realize there was something better out there – and says she will never settle for bad sex again.
And finally, this painfully pragmatic admission from a woman who, after having two children, realized that she had married a man simply because he offered her a comfortable life:
‘He was from a good family, tall, intelligent, ambitious and I was approaching 30. I knew I would have a reasonably comfortable life and bright children with him.
“I was quite happy, but I always felt like I was second to his ambition. We got married, traveled and lived all over the world. We had two children and then I realized that I shouldn’t have married him and should have waited until another person.
‘In the end, he ended things, which saved me from having to file for divorce. He met someone through work who had no children and shared his ambition..
‘I ended up getting a good deal, so I don’t have any hard feelings. Now I am financially secure and can find my true love. So in that sense, I don’t necessarily regret marrying for money and for “reproduction” purposes.
…I mean, congratulations?
So what’s the moral of the story?
Reaching an agreement may get you to the altar, but it won’t guarantee a happily ever after. Whether it’s bad sex, mismatched ambitions, or realizing the only thing you had in common was alcohol, the cost of reaching an agreement is high, and not just financially.
A recent study found that the happiest and healthiest women are those who remain single and childless, proving that marriage is not the golden ticket to fulfillment that society might have us believe.
Before locking yourself into a life with Mr OK, ask yourself: is this a love worth building a future on, or should you wait for someone who rocks your world (and your bed) every day?
My advice? Hang in there, ladies, hang in there.