About two years ago, I started dating a guy who had just gotten divorced. I know, it’s never a good idea. It’s safe to say he seemed devastated after a three-year battle to finally, legally, say “I don’t want to,” and his story was enough to scare anyone considering filing for divorce.
This man had earned an impressive amount of money over the years as a fairly famous athlete and was looking forward to settling into a slightly quieter life and enjoying his well-earned wealth.
That is, until the horrible “D” word entered his life: divorce.
Now, her ex was not a happy guy and, to be fair, he had done some things that had left her rightly despised. But did I expect her to fight as dirty as she did? No. Even I was quietly impressed with his commando-like fighting skills in divorce court. Because guess how much of his wealth she ended up with?
Seventy percent. Yes. He even got one of their gyms! Did I need it? No. But did he accept it (perhaps out of malice)? Oh yes. If I didn’t like her so much, I’d almost want to date her!
This story came to mind when I came across an Instagram reel that I quote over and over again, from a man who I happily got to know quite well during my last trip to New York City. His name is James Sexton and he is the leading divorce lawyer in the Big Apple. He handles divorce cases for millionaires and billionaires, so the man has seen some things!
In a clip that has since gone viral, he says: “If we break it down, fundamentally, 56 percent of marriages end in divorce; it’s only the couples who actually follow through with the expensive, tedious and emotionally devastating process of divorce”. What about all the other married people who stay together “because of the kids” or because they don’t want to give away half their stuff?
Sexton estimates it’s “at least 20 percent.”
56 percent of marriages end in divorce, and they are rarely cheap, writes Jana Hocking
And he adds: ‘We now have technology that fails 76 percent of the time. That’s crazy. If I told you there was a 76 percent chance that when you walked out the door today, you would be hit in the head with a bowling ball, you wouldn’t go out or wear a helmet.’
It makes you think, why the hell do people still get married?
So, with that petrifying statistic, and my ex’s story, in mind, I remembered that ‘split season’ is truly upon us (divorce lawyers always get an influx of new clients in late December and early January).). I’ve collected stories from my circle of confidants who were brave enough to share what it really takes to untangle your life from someone else’s.
Spoiler alert: It’s rarely just about attorney fees. From giving up the house to fighting over schools, this is what happens when love goes from “forever” to “how long?”
*All names have been changed to protect privacy.
The power couple calls it quits
Jessica, 45, and Mark, 47, were the dream team — until their marriage imploded. She was a high-profile lawyer, he was the brains behind a booming tech startup, and their split made headlines.
During their divorce, Mark ended up paying $80,000 in business appraisals to keep his business intact, while Jessica racked up $150,000 in legal fees fighting over their oceanfront home. “We were fighting over coffee tables and fairness, and the lawyers made more than any of us,” Jessica now admits.
In some divorces, people are left with debt or significantly damaged net worth. But, when done without acrimony, the financial hit can be lessened (file image presented by models)
Overwhelmed by debt
Rachel, 36, a freelance graphic designer, thought her divorce would be easy. But when her ex revealed that he had ‘unknowingly’ accumulated $70,000 in debt during their marriage, the game changed.
“Suddenly he had assumed his debt,” he tells me.
After paying legal fees and trying to clear his name with creditors (he had put a batch on his behalf), learned the hard way that even if you think your marriage is going swimmingly, you need to prioritize financial independence..
I should have asked for more
When Claire, 38, left her marriage, justice was her guiding principle.
Lawyers? No, thanks. He wanted to keep things amicable, so he gave his ex what he wanted in the property agreement. “At the time, it seemed fair,” he says. But now, with most of her children’s expenses falling on her, she is reconsidering her generosity.
After moving twice in 12 months due to short-term leases, she discovered the financial pain of renting. It’s not just the rent and deposit, but also the cost of packing up, moving and starting over that really starts to add up.
Meanwhile, her ex-husband lives in a house he bought.
I wanted a fair agreement. I wanted to play dirty
After a decade of unhappiness and six years of sleeping in separate rooms, Lauren, 41, decided it was time to leave her husband.
She offered to take $500,000, the same amount she had contributed to the marriage in 2010. But her ex, a partner at a major law firm, did not agree. Furious and determined to “punish” her (his words, not hers), he dragged her into a highly contentious divorce that racked up nearly $400,000 in legal fees between them.
Lauren ended up taking 50 percent of the revealed assets — roughly a couple million dollars, much more than she had originally asked for. Meanwhile, his ex wasted $300,000 on expensive lawyers in a losing battle.
As a stay-at-home mom who gave up her career to raise her children, Lauren admits the road hasn’t been easy, but now, a year later, she’s never been happier. “My children see their mother happy and healthy for the first time in years and we are thriving.”
As for his ex? He regularly sends her nasty emails, blaming her for “taking all his money.” Lauren’s advice to bitter ex-spouses? ‘Revenge is not cheap. You should have accepted my original offer.
In some cases, husbands end up living with regret after rejecting their estranged wives’ initial settlement offers, only for them to find a lawyer and walk away with much more (file image)
I gave everything to save my sanity.
For James, 42, their divorce felt less like a breakup and more like psychological warfare. After leaving his wife, she insisted on keeping most of the equity in their home, which was fine until their daughter came into her full-time care.
‘She wasn’t even paying his legal fees; his parents were. Every time my lawyer sent a letter, she filed a police report accusing me of emotional abuse,” he recalls.
In the end, he gave him everything in the house just to stop the fight. But when she requested that her daughter attend a fancy school in another city, without her knowledge, he drew the line.
‘I spent $3,500 taking her to court to change school to one nearby, and it was worth every penny. My daughter is thriving and I have no regrets.
Divorce gave my mom cancer
Josie shared a story about her parents’ highly contentious divorce, which came with a price tag of $100,000 in legal fees. Just as things were heading toward a court battle, his mother pulled the plug and settled with 75 percent of the assets revealed.
But the price wasn’t just financial: his mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the week the papers were signed. Josie believes emotional and financial stress contributed to her mother’s deteriorating health.
“The divorce didn’t just cost him money: it cost her a lot more.”
I discovered that my husband was a mean little man.
Joanne’s divorce cost her $15,000 in cash, not much compared to some of our other divorcees, but her ex-husband’s small requests left a lasting impression.
Her ex, in a rare display of spite, demanded some surprising items from her former marital home, including the years-old Country Road bag she had purchased with her first paycheck working at McDonald’s and several unopened cookbooks.
She even cleaned out pantry staples, including cumin. “Honestly, the things he demanded were very petty, but at least now it’s over and I don’t have to deal with him and his ridiculous requests anymore.”
There is an old saying: “The only winners in divorce are the lawyers” (file image)
It took almost everything away from me, but I’m glad to get rid of it.
I was surprised when Janet told me about the financial consequences of her divorce. Hers cost her more than any woman I have ever known to go through a legal separation.
At the time of the breakdown of his marriage, his three businesses were valued at $41 million. But just 12 months later, they sold for $28 million, which barely covered the $26.5 million in loans. After agent fees and payments to silent partners, Clare was left with just $350,000, a far cry from the $13 million net worth she once had.
“It hurt me a lot,” he admits today. But still, Janet says she’s grateful to have moved on from her “narcissistic” ex, even though co-parenting still makes things difficult.
But let’s end things on a happy note…
The DIY Divorce Success Story
Not all divorces end in a courtroom showdown.
Emma, 34, and Liam, 36, managed to untangle their 10-year marriage using a $1,200 online divorce service. “We didn’t have much to divide, but we worked together to maintain civility,” Emma shares.
The result? A co-parenting plan that works and zero debt from legal battles. “It wasn’t easy, but maintaining the friendship saved us thousands and allowed us to focus on our children.”
If these stories prove anything, it’s that divorce is rarely cheap, but it’s always better if at least attempt resolve things without resorting to expensive lawyers.
But even if you have to use a lawyer to defend yourself, the result is usually worth it in the end.. The financial consequences may hurt, but the freedom to start over is priceless.
So whether you’re considering filing DIY papers or preparing for a court showdown, remember this: you’re not alone. Do you have your own story about the cost of divorce? Slide into my DMs – I’d love to hear it!