Jana Hocking: Should you tell your married friend if you see their partner on a dating app?
This week I saw my very dear friend’s husband on a dating app… and what I did next will infuriate most of you, writes JANA HOCKING
- Jana Hocking saw her boyfriend’s husband on a dating app
- She decided not to tell his wife that she had seen him there
- ‘Cheating is never black and white,’ says Jana
Recently I was faced with a moral dilemma.
I was scrolling Bumble when I came across a profile of a guy I know. A very married man I know. Not to stereotype anyone completely, but he’s exactly the sort of guy you’d expect to see on a dating app for a sneaky peak of what’s out there outside of his marriage.
I was faced with a decision… do I take a screenshot of his profile and reveal everything to his very sweet wife, or do I scroll on and say nothing?
It opened a pandora box of questions…would his wife want to know? Would I single-handedly destroy their marriage? Is it up to me to intervene?
I took the screenshots and then thought deeply. I asked a very good friend I could trust with a secret like this. Heck, I even googled the answer.
Jana Hocking (pictured) was scrolling through a dating app when she came across a profile of a man she knows
And after about 24 hours of sitting with this information, I came up with an answer. It was a clear no. I wouldn’t tell his wife.
Many of you will be outraged by this. Especially anyone who has been cheated on before or currently has suspicions. But my reasoning is very simple.
Cheating is never black and white.
Do I really know if it was him unless I literally walked in on him uploading his photos to a dating website? How do I know it’s actually cheating – maybe like many couples right now, they’ve decided to try an open marriage? You’d be surprised by the seemingly innocent couples who are currently ENM (ethically non-monogamous).
Seriously, after writing about my own ethically non-monogamous experience, I was inundated with friends admitting (under the cover of secrecy) to being in ENM marriages. Shaken I tell you!
I even had a few in my friendship group pick me up for some fun. Flattering… but unfortunately not my type.
There’s another situation that puts the whole “cheating” thing in a gray area. I find that in couples often one loses interest in sex and doesn’t mind if the other goes elsewhere, they just never take it up.
Oddly enough, or maybe not, this seems to work for many long-term couples.
So what about other examples of cheating… Imagine the colleagues in your office who you know are married to other people, but constantly go out for coffee together, leave work appointments together, or just seem to have a really strong connection . Your gut tells you they’re cheating, and everyone in the office is gossiping about it, but should their partners be made aware? Again, I don’t think so.
Unless you catch them in the act, I don’t think it’s your place. You can’t detonate a bomb in someone’s life without hard evidence. You see, I speak from experience. I was told by someone that my ex-partner was cheating and I wanted to know all the facts.
Where? When? How long before? The problem was that this person had no proof. Just that there were “whispers.” This sent me into an absolute spiral. Eventually I went through his phone, got deeply paranoid when he came home late, went to his boys nights to see if he was flirting with anyone. It drove me crazy. I no longer recognized the person I was becoming.
It opened a pandora box of questions…would his wife want to know? Would I single-handedly destroy their marriage? Is it up to me to intervene?
So if you’re going to tell someone’s partner that they’re cheating, you have to be prepared to present your case. Because without proof you quickly become a troublemaker. Whether your heart is in the right place or not.
Sure, the saying “where there’s smoke there’s fire” is accurate, but judging by the number of friendships I’ve seen spoiled by someone speaking out, I now want to see the real fire before I pull out my megaphone.
On the other hand, I believe there are times when you should tell a partner. For example, if you know that they are lit. If you’ve seen your bestie’s friend trying to hit on a girl at a bar, I think you have every right to mention it. Especially if she’s already had her doubts and he’s constantly telling her “she’s crazy.” That will save your bestie a lot of therapy bills later on. Have we learned nothing from MAFS folks?
But should you find yourself in a situation where knowledge has more or less come to light… I suggest you make sure you have a solid set of facts before you drop that bombshell. Otherwise, you could find yourself in the firing line, and let’s keep our drama for those fantastic reality shows – it’s not that much fun in real life.