Christmas is a time when grandparents like to pamper their grandchildren. But surely few grandmothers are willing to drive 600 miles each year to bring Christmas to their little ones, as I did for almost a decade.
And I don’t just mean showing up with some expensive gifts.
Every December, I spent over £1,000 renting a nice cottage and loading the car with everything I had at home: from a real tree to decorations, all the festive food and lots of presents, of course.
But traveling for hours to celebrate a magical Christmas was just one of the things I was willing to do to make sure Leo and Rosie, my daughter Ellen’s two children, remembered me as their favorite grandmother.
In fact, I made the ten-hour round trip from my home in York to Exeter twice a month so I could reinforce my position as grandparent number one.
I realize some people will think this is extreme, but as a distant grandmother, I was well aware that my son-in-law’s parents, as well as my ex-husband and his wife (aka step-grandmother), lived just a few miles away. . from Elena.
I didn’t want to be relegated to the role of occasional grandmother, the one with whom the children would have no fond memories or any relationship as they grew up.
As soon as Leo was born in 2011, I was overcome with a terrible fear of missing out, tortured by images of them all reaching out to hug him and taking him to the park.
The feelings of love that came over me when I became a grandmother were both a surprise and an opportunity to make peace (photo posed by models)
In part, I was driven by competitiveness with my ex, but it was also insecurity and a longing to be a better, more attentive grandmother than I had been a mother.
I worked long hours as a senior manager in the public sector when my children were growing up and I regret that they never had 100 per cent of me.
The feelings of love that came over me when I became a grandmother were both a surprise and an opportunity to make peace. There was an almost biological drive to solidify my position when it came to the next generation.
My second husband, David, and I took the first epic five-hour trip to visit Leo when he was three days old, and I vowed to travel every few weeks from then on. Ellen was incredibly understanding; It wasn’t like she could make the arduous trip to see us with a newborn baby.
If we add the costs of fuel and a hotel room (they didn’t have a big house and I didn’t want to impose anything on them), it would work out to around £300 per visit.
Over ten years that amounted to more than £72,000, but it was important to me to see Leo (and later his little sister Rosie) as often as possible, so it was worth every penny. Including gifts and treats, I have probably spent around £150,000 in my quest to be his favorite grandmother.
When I was growing up, my own grandparents weren’t a big part of my life. They lived nearby but, from a previous generation, they did not consider it their role to pamper us. Having had my own children when I was 20 (I’m now 63), I would have loved for my parents and in-laws to be more involved.
But my parents made it clear that they had their own lives to live and so my daughters don’t have many memories of spending time together as children. I was convinced that I wanted to be a devoted grandfather who would give my grandchildren memories to cherish.
While I wasn’t a perfect parent (work often meant missing days of sports and school plays), I did my best to give Ellen and her sister a happy childhood, prioritizing days off on weekends. They both tell me that they have beautiful memories of their childhood.
When Rosie, Ellen’s second daughter, was born seven years ago, I was present at her birth. I always thought being there was a mutual decision, but looking back I may not have given Ellen the chance to say no.
I received my first hugs from Rosie, holding her in my arms while doctors tended to Ellen after a difficult birth. My son-in-law was grateful for the support and I instinctively knew when it was time to hand Rosie over to him and give them privacy.
With two absolutely wonderful grandchildren, Christmas became very important. In fact, I wanted it to be Christmas and be associated with me. So every December, he rented a cabin near his house and spent a lot of money on food, gifts, and decorations.
In many ways it was hell, as preparation took days, cooking was stressful, cost a fortune and there was one year when David and I spent ten hours in the car on the way home, plagued by accidents and construction work. the road.
Still, the only thing that mattered was that my grandchildren thought Christmas was synonymous with ‘Nanny’, as they call me. I made sure I had the kids to myself by not inviting my ex or the other grandparents, using the excuse that since I came from so far away I had priority, which was possibly a little rude in retrospect.
On the other hand, they have other grandchildren, while Leo and Rosie are my only two grandchildren.
One year I didn’t organize Christmas because my husband and I went to the Caribbean. There was warm weather, idyllic beaches and wonderful restaurants.
He would arrive with gifts of clothes and toys and pay for day trips to zoos and theme parks.
But I was too busy worrying about what my grandchildren would do at home with their other grandparents.
During weekend trips to Exeter, he arrived with gifts of clothes and toys and paid for day trips to zoos and theme parks. I think Ellen appreciated me giving them what I could and never realized that she or her husband resented me. In between visits, I posted gifts and wrote letters to make sure they knew I was thinking about them.
My friends were impressed by my devotion. I didn’t admit that I was partly motivated by fear that the children would become more attached to someone else.
As they got a little older and it became easier for Ellen, a college professor, and her husband, who runs a travel company, to visit us, I went into town.
I took my grandchildren to see pantomimes and hosted tea parties, including an Alice in Wonderland-themed one where we all dressed up. I was the Queen of Hearts, who else?
I also paid for them to spend family holidays with us in beautiful villas in Portugal and France.
Although Leo and Rosie never explicitly told me that I’m their favorite, they used to say, ‘Why don’t we see you all the time, nanny, we miss you?’
I remember after a particularly lovely weekend being asked, ‘Can we come live with you, nanny?’, which made me feel incredibly sure of their love.
18 months ago, already retired, we moved to a town 30 minutes from Exeter. Exhausted from the constant travel, but still wanting to play a role in their lives, it seemed like the obvious solution.
David, who has no grandchildren but adores mine (they call him grandfather), was happy to accept it. I daydreamed about running to school or taking Leo and Rosie to the beach on summer nights.
Unfortunately, the reality is different. What I discovered is that Nanny has lost her shine now that she is on the same street. At first they still expected parties, gifts and elaborate day trips. I had to tell them: ‘No, because we’ll see each other a lot more and I couldn’t afford it.’
Also, since they are 13 and nine, I suspect their interest in spending time with grandparents is waning overall.
Although we see them regularly, it is for shorter periods. I go to have coffee and they greet me and then disappear into their rooms. I’m not competing with the other grandparents, but with their tablets and phones!
One of my friends lives very far from her own grandchildren and is thinking about moving closer to them, but I warned her to be careful what she wishes for. I can see that, perhaps, I was the lucky one because when you live far away everyone makes a huge effort when they are together.
In fact, David and I are thinking about moving a little further away, especially since we’ve never loved the house we bought here. But I also hope this makes the prospect of seeing each other more attractive for Leo and Rosie.
Still, our plan is not to be more than 90 minutes away because I’m already thinking about when they can stay with us alone.
After all, I have to reinvent myself as the teenagers’ favorite grandfather, who will be more difficult to win over. Whatever happens, I am determined not to let the crown fall.
- Lynne Samuels is a pseudonym. The names have been changed. As told to Sadie Nicholas.