Dear Jane,
I’ve been single for a large part of my life. It’s never been a problem, I don’t mind being single, and I’ve always been very successful on the dating scene.
But being single at my age (47) means I have to do everything I can to stay the best I can be. No man wants a woman who has left herself. So, over the past few years, I’ve spent about $15,000 on Botox and other cosmetic procedures. Nothing invasive, just a few treatments, fillers here and there, and so on.
Now, I’m considering going under the knife for a breast lift, a face lift, and some liposuction. But when I opened up to my friends about wanting to do it, they began to express serious concerns—telling me that I already looked “plastic” and “fake,” and that I had pretty much become unrecognizable.
I can’t help but think that at least some of their opinions come from a place of jealousy.
What man would want to date a woman who actually looks her age? And what would a woman want to look in the mirror and see wrinkles, lines, and sagging skin when she has the power to do something about it?
I certainly don’t want to look like a silly Barbie doll – but I also don’t want to look like a sad old woman who was left alone because she didn’t take care of herself.
of life in plastic
Dear Jane, I spend a fortune on Botox and plastic surgery because I’m afraid no man will want me if I look old…but now my friends say I look “fake” and “plastic”
Dear life in plastic,
You say that no man wants a woman who has left herself, but there is a very big difference between aging naturally and taking care of yourself, and opting for plastic surgery. In fact, the vast majority of men prefer the natural look without limits.
Honestly, I try to think of anyone I know who would prefer trout, unnaturally full cheekbones and a high forehead, and I can’t think of a decent man who would choose that.
The international bestselling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most pressing issues in her weekly column Dear Jane agony aunt
I’m not against plastic surgery, but I ask you to question your own sense of value. Turning yourself into an Instagram-ready carbon copy of a million other women isn’t going to make you any happier.
What will make you happier is adjusting to your age (which really isn’t too old), and embracing your differences.
I say this as someone who has spent many years trying to fit in because I didn’t feel good enough. I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, or smart enough, so even though I didn’t go down a huge plastic surgery rabbit hole, it was exhausting trying to keep up.
I shopped at the right stores, wore the right shoes, and felt like I was always pretending to be someone. It wasn’t until I turned 50 that I decided I had to know who I was, stop trying to be like everyone else, and five years later, I’d never been happier.
And so, life in plastic, I would say never focus on what makes you feel good, and stop focusing on looks. In terms of what a man wants in a woman who looks her age, I would say the right type of man. Men who gravitate towards a model-type trophy wife do so because of looks rather than personality, and because of their own insecurities.
The truth is, there will always be a younger, newer supermodel waiting to pounce.
Listen to your friends. By all means, adjust to make yourself feel better, but have you seen the people who go down that path? Tired lips and breasts can destroy a small country? It is really addictive, and I would argue that it is dangerous.
If your friends have already told you that you look plastic, believe them. Look at Charlotte Rampling, Kristin Scott Thomas, or any French actress to see how wonderful it is to age gracefully. good luck!
Dear Jane,
I’ve been an open lesbian for 16 years, and now at 27, it’s become a huge part of who I am.
Recently, I started a new job and soon started working with a co-worker as co-workers. He’s good looking, funny, charming, smart, exactly the kind of guy my straight friends would say he’s a great catch, but I never thought of him because I’m a lesbian. He knows about my sexuality and is very accepting.
However, at work we got together a while ago, we had quite a bit of drinking, and we ended up at his house where we definitely got to the point of ‘too much’ to drink.
It was pretty much “one thing set another,” and we ended up in his bedroom. In the morning, we agreed it was a weird one-time thing that probably shouldn’t have happened (although we both seemed to be enjoying it just fine), and we’d move on from it.
But since then, I have been unable to stop thinking about him and him, and my fantasies have run wild. I was practically acting like an awkward schoolgirl around him because just seeing him seemed to kick everything in my mind!
Being a lesbian is such a big part of who I am, so I feel completely unprepared to deal with having a guy on my mind like this, and I’m not really sure what to do moving forward. I love any advice
From the book Identity Crisis
Dear Identity Crisis,
If you think of sexuality as a continuum, it can eliminate the need for labels. On one end it is black, on the other, white, and between them are many shades of gray.
Self-identification as one thing for most of your life does not automatically rule out shades of gray, as you are experiencing now.
And how we define ourselves when we’re young, doesn’t mean we have to stay there.
Oh my God. If I stuck to who I thought I was at 16, I’d be a very weird goth who smoked like a chimney and had terrible hair. As we grow, we are allowed to change. And if friends who accepted us in one way don’t accept us in another, they may not have been true friends to begin with.
The beauty of life is that we have to decide, at any given moment, who we are and who we love.
And I would argue that when you fall somewhere along the continuum of sexuality, you will fall in love with the person, not the sex.
What a wonderful world of opportunities you have! Ignore the labels. You don’t have to be a lesbian, you have to be you, and the important thing is that you love, not who you love.
I wish you all the best and happiness on your journey.
