I didn’t even get a chance to say hello before the screaming started. I was still in my pajamas drinking coffee when the voice on the other end started screaming for what seemed like an eternity.
In an article I wrote, taking care to conceal all personal details, I described the lengths to which London parents I know go to get their children into the “right” school (including hiring tutors and pretending to move to a new neighbourhood to be within a certain postcode range, while publicly claiming they do no such thing).
Of course, no names were mentioned, but she still accused me of writing the article about her. How dare I?
I have been scolded many times for articles that someone did not like, but this time the tone was different: it was moralistic, accusatory, entitled.
The decisive moment arrived within ten minutes of the rant: “How dare I write about my own life? Why am I doing this horrible job?” he shouted.
Helen Kirwan-Taylor says that a true friend is like love. When you know, you know.
Before that, we were friends from the neighbourhood. Our children started kindergarten together and since then we often meet up for coffee and to share details of their lives.
She was a proud stay-at-home mother of four who loathed pushy career mothers who she said fostered their own ambition through their children and used every “trick” to help them rise in the ranks.
What I didn’t know then, because she pretended otherwise, was that she was one of the biggest users of these tricks. She was angry that I had unwittingly revealed her hypocrisy.
I was speechless and reread the article. It was a general story that picked up on a trend that was sweeping across London and it was categorically not about it. Only a narcissist could have thought that was what it was about.
I was so upset that I didn’t know what to do. Having someone yell at you on the phone without preamble is like being hit in the face with an iPhone. First you’re in shock, then you feel like someone has ripped your clothes off in public.
Then you get angry because the person who yells first has the impulse of a schoolyard bully. The hapless person on the receiving end of the attack is left totally disarmed.
The reason female friendships are contentious is that women often pretend not to compete when that’s all they do, and at every level.
Then, hours later, you remember what they said and you get angry all over again. Who says I can’t write about pushy parents? What right did she have to scold me for doing my job? The fact that she looked the way she did (a fake) wasn’t my fault!
It’s one thing to yell at someone in person, when retaliation is possible, but it’s another thing to do it over the phone. I realized that I didn’t know this woman. The fact that I had taken her at her word and not caught her must have surprised her (I think she assumed I was as shrewd as she was).
After this, I tried to avoid her. I realized that she is a loudmouth and probably often fights with other women. She was very ambitious, but pretended not to be, and I, an idiot, fell right into her trap.
It wasn’t my first fight. Let’s be honest, female friendships can be toxic. Some of my less desirable characteristics include being catty, prone to jealousy, gossipy, and overly sensitive. In other words, I have a tendency to be toxic. However, I recognize this and try to overcome it or at least control myself.
The reason female friendships are contentious is that women often pretend not to compete when that is all they are doing and at every level. We compete over looks, marital success, children’s success, body shape, social standing. We compete over tastes in interior design, in culinary skills, in careers, in income, in wardrobe.
A very close friend, who is sadly no longer with us, once told me that I “made women angry.” I was hurt and asked her why. She told me “because you’re American and you’re confident.”
Yes, I am socially self-confident, I don’t care what most people think and I consider social ambition to be an absurd pursuit, but perhaps this sounds like self-confidence, which is not always true. It is not my fault that the British are more shy than Americans.
This friend at least was direct. Toxic women, on the other hand, never tell you what’s really bothering them; they tell everyone, so you find out through gossip. The truth is not their friend.
My most painful toxic relationship was with a former boss. She loved my work and often thanked me profusely. Like a good poodle, she always said yes when she asked me to do more, even if it meant canceling plans to meet unreasonable deadlines.
We had regular lunches and chatted at length, and I overlooked how critical she was of any mistakes I made or the fact that she paid men more (I did say something about that, which in retrospect was a mistake).
Then my husband threw me a surprise birthday party and didn’t invite her, even though he invited other people from the office. I didn’t know that made her mad. Then came the guillotine.
After a departmental restructuring, she was put in charge of the team I worked on and quickly made sure I left. I think she enjoyed the intense pain this caused me.
I wasn’t in charge of my birthday invitations because it was a surprise party, but I don’t think she cared about that or me; she cared that other colleagues were invited. She was socially insecure; I had touched her weak spot.
Many books have been written about toxic friendships, disagreements, friends-enemies, etc. Often, there is jealousy at play or an unspoken competition that we are not even fully aware of.
Some women are so controlling of their friendships that they don’t let other women join them or they steal friendships (for example, you introduced a friend to someone and now she’s constantly at your house having dinner or on vacation with that person and you’ve been excluded). Toxic friends really care about your success but expect you to enjoy theirs.
I have good friends now. They all share some characteristics (openness, authenticity, kindness) and, in general, they are much less emotional than I am.
A true friend is like love. When you know, you know.
How to deal with toxic people
1. Watch for the signs. Toxic people have toxic characteristics, such as a predisposition to malicious gossip (i.e. they will gossip about you). They tend to be conceited. Their ego demands that they win, which often results in deceit. If someone says one thing but consistently does the opposite, they are toxic.
Always arriving late, being selfish when choosing a meeting place or not responding to messages are all signs. If they have all kinds of fights, be suspicious.
2. Your boss is not your friend. He or she may act like he or she is, he or she may have been before, but he or she shouldn’t be now. Friendships often fail at work because assumptions are made. Your ex-friend may be harder on you in his or her effort to not show favoritism. It’s helpful to take a break from the friendship for a while.
One woman I know assumed she would get a bigger bonus because her boss was her friend (she was his son’s godmother). When that didn’t materialize, they fought to the death.
3. Get to know the beast. If someone is very ambitious, socially or professionally, recognize them for what they are. They may use you as a means to an end, as a way to meet people who “matter” or who can boost a career. If you confuse ambition with friendship, you’re only going to get hurt.
Toxic people don’t like intimacy or being vulnerable. They have a master plan. My advice is to get out of the way, unless you have something to gain, in which case call it what it is: transactional. The people who suffer the most are those who mistake a toxic beast for a tender animal.
