Is your marriage headed for divorce? TRACEY COX reveals the four signs your love is fading and how to fix it before it’s too late

All marriages have ups and downs and survive them.

But it is known that certain behaviors can lead to particularly bitter divorces.

Here are four warning signs that mean a split could be imminent.

And it’s not going to be pretty.

YOU TREAT YOURSELF WITH CONTEMPT

‘Whatever is wrong, I am to blame, even if it has nothing to do with me, like the weather.

‘He has no respect for me and that is evident when we are together: he considers himself superior in every way.

“My kids hate the way he treats me and that’s probably what will make me leave.”

Have you ever witnessed something like this?

If you find it uncomfortable to be present, imagine what it is like to live it every day.

Healthy relationships are a team effort: you support each other, respect each other’s opinions (even if they are different from yours), listen to each other, and truly support each other.

Relationships based on contempt do exactly the opposite: both partners seek to score points, go straight for the jugular the moment a weakness is exposed, and are happy to make their partner look ridiculous.

If contempt and belittling are a regular part of your interactions, you are headed for a full-blown conflict that will make the divorce process more bitter and contentious.

It’s you?

• Do your friends or family comment on how much you argue or disagree?
• Do either of you make fun of the other? Do you roll your eyes behind (or in front of) him if he says or does something you don’t like?
• Do any of you put each other down at every opportunity? Do you treat them with sarcasm when they venture to give an opinion?
• If you look in the mirror during a normal conversation, what expression would you have? Is there open disdain or hostility visible to everyone?

Carry

If you are the critic, replace negative comments with constructive criticism.

“I feel overwhelmed with all that needs to be done,” instead of “You’re so lazy. Why do I have to do everything?”

Use “I” statements instead of “2” statements. “I feel hurt when we don’t spend enough time together,” not “You never put me first.”

Are you hurting? Let your partner know that he or she is hurting you and the relationship by behaving this way.

If they don’t listen to you, couples therapy is the only solution. If they don’t want to go with you, it might still benefit you to go alone.

YOU DON’T TALK OR CAN’T TALK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MATTER

“I always thought we had a wonderful marriage, until I got into a fight with my wife’s sister. She adores her and refuses to listen to me. We’re in an awkward stalemate and I see no way out.”

While constant arguing is an obvious sign that things aren’t going well, poor communication is more insidious.

Couples often don’t realize there is a problem until it arises and they have no idea how to fix it.

Anyone who has read or heard anything about how to have a healthy relationship knows that being able to talk things out is the cornerstone of long-term happiness.

Most people think, “Yeah, I know,” and that’s it.

But the reason people like me insist on this is that not being able to talk about thorny issues can kill you. And it won’t just kill you, it will put you on the path to a nasty divorce.

It’s you?

• Can you talk about important issues without it ending in a huge fight, one of you storming off, or one of you being in a bad mood for hours or days?
• Do any of you refuse to talk about an issue if you don’t agree on it?
• At the end of a discussion on an important topic, do you feel like you’ve accomplished something? Or are you both raising the same points without reaching an agreement?
• Do you avoid difficult conversations altogether and hope that big problems will go away if you ignore them?

Carry:

You are not born with good communication skills, you learn them.

There is a lot of information online about how to communicate better with your partner. If you need more help, a good couples therapist can turn your relationship around.

YOU HAVE MONEY SECRETS

‘My husband spent like a multimillionaire on credit cards that were maxed out. Not only did he drain all of our savings, but he cost us our house.

‘Our children had to change schools and lost their friends – it was very selfish and destroyed us.

‘Everyone talks about physical betrayal, but financial betrayal is just as bad.’

Money is one of the main causes of tension in long-term relationships. It’s not the amount or lack of money that causes problems, but how each person spends it.

Our spending styles are created when we are very young, often in reaction to what our parents did or didn’t do.

When couples disagree about how to manage money, this may reflect deeper issues related to values ​​and priorities.

The most common problem is between spenders and savers. If the more thrifty person makes most of the money, resentment quickly builds up.

If the spender has debt problems and ignores them, the danger factor for the relationship triples.

But if you really want to throw everything off balance, lie to your spouse about your debts.

Not admitting that you have unpaid credit card bills with large balances, loans taken out to pay off other loans, the fact that you secretly emptied the child’s college fund, booking an expensive vacation when you’re struggling to pay the heating bill… these are the things that tear down the strongest of marriages in the most bitter and unforgivable ways.

It’s you?

• Do you have very different spending styles and that causes you stress?
• Have you both been transparent about how much debt you have, including loans and credit card balances?
• Do either of you hide secret expenses or secret bank accounts? Do you lie about the cost of things you buy or hide purchases from your partner?
• Does one person control the joint bank account?
• Do either of you take out loans or credit cards without consulting the other?

Carry:

If one or both partners are financially manipulative, this can lead to aggressive legal battles over property, spousal support, and debt distribution during divorce proceedings.

Don’t delay if arguments about money are a regular occurrence. Go straight to a financial advisor who can advise you on how to manage your debts and a couples therapist who can help you understand each other’s attitudes toward money.

ANY OF YOU CHEATED (OR STILL DO)

‘I discovered a historic affair: my wife had a six-month affair with an ex after we were married, but before we had children.

“Our children are now married, but I couldn’t look at her after I found out. I hated her for forcing me to live a lie for the past 25 years.”

Discovering a fling or a one-night stand that “meant nothing” is often the biggest breach of trust that can render an already strained marriage beyond repair.

Cheating destroys the “you and me against the world” bond that holds relationships together during tough times.

The emotional consequences of a deep betrayal can lead to an exceptionally unpleasant divorce. Anger, hurt and the desire for revenge turn the most reasonable person into a tyrant, making mediation and compromise impossible.

Physical betrayal intensifies disagreements over child custody, finances, and settlements, making the divorce more protracted and contentious.

It’s you?

• The answer to this question is clearly yes or no.

Carry:

Even good people have affairs, says leading infidelity expert Esther Perel.

It doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed if one of the two is unfaithful, but it does instantly push the marriage into a crisis.

Some couples do rebuild, but it’s not an easy road to travel for either of them.

• Tracey’s two product ranges, Supersex and Edge, are available at lovehoney.co.uk. Listen to her weekly podcast, SexTok, every Wednesday.