As an experienced divorce attorney, I should have seen my own divorce coming, but I was completely blindsided.
It was a normal Thursday morning in 2003. I had been busy getting our daughters, then aged four and eight, ready for school and I stuck my head in the door of my ex-husband’s study to ask him what he would like for dinner later. . Instead of the response he expected, he said, “This doesn’t work.”
In an instant, his totally unexpected and devastating words changed my life and the lives of my children.
After 13 years of marriage, despite all the usual struggles of balancing work, family and life, I thought we were doing well.
My initial reaction was utter disbelief and I asked, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’ But I had seen that steely, hardened look on clients’ faces and knew, with horror and deep sadness, that he had already mentally abandoned our relationship.
Divorce lawyer Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart has decades of experience immersed in the turmoil of unhappy and warring couples.
In fact, he had been planning that bombshell for some time and shortly afterward I was served with divorce papers.
Unfortunately, mine is not an uncommon divorce scenario.
Thinking back, it still surprises me that, despite my decades of experience immersed in the turmoil of unhappy, warring couples, I could have missed the warning signs. Perhaps, like many of my clients, I had chosen to ignore or overlook them. It is now clear to me that I had been sleepwalking on my path to divorce. And I’m far from alone.
Without a doubt, my own divorce experience has deepened my understanding and empathy for the pain and suffering my clients experience, making me a better divorce attorney. And today I actively work to help divorce-proof marriages.
The latest statistics show that one in three marriages break up and, if my observations are correct, at least one of the other two in three marriages is not particularly happy either.
In my 30-year legal career I have advised more than 400 couples, guiding them through very complex, high-profile cases involving multimillion-dollar settlements, and I have learned to spot the troubling patterns of behavior that can so easily derail relationships.
Sometimes, by the time a person seeks my advice, it is too late to save their marriage. But in my experience, if your relationship has been deteriorating, you will usually have between 18 months and two years of persistent discontent and discontent before either of you completely disengage.
This critical ‘relationship rescue’ window is your chance to try to mend those fractures, perhaps even pull your relationship back from the brink.
Here’s what you should do if you find yourself in it.
Put your eye back on the ball
My first call is vigilance: don’t let a good relationship deteriorate while you are preoccupied with other responsibilities.
If you’ve taken on the role of raising your kids, running the house, and also trying to keep your career going, like I did, it’s very easy to lose sight of the priority of your relationship.
I see it all the time. If I’m brutally honest, this was one of the reasons my previous marriage failed.
I had taken on the daily care of our children, but I was determined not to abandon my thriving legal career.
However, in times of high stress (after a long day in court while the babysitter called in sick), I resented my ex-husband for not leaning in more to help with the girls. Her frequent work trips increased the tension.
When he finally dropped his “this isn’t working” bombshell, it was too late to work on our marriage, despite my best efforts.
In retrospect, we didn’t put enough time and energy into communicating better and repairing the frustrations in our relationships. Make sure you do it.
Make your sex life sizzle
It would be a mistake to underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship.
In my professional experience, I have noticed a massive connection between the loss of interest in sex on the part of one of you and the appeal, for the other, of having an affair to compensate for the lack of intimacy.
A sexless marriage doesn’t always spell doom, and it’s not unusual for the volume of sex to decrease over time, but a mismatch between sexual needs and desires can cause resentment and frustration.
I will never forget a woman who came to me for advice because a friend had seen her husband at an industry function, on the dance floor passionately hugging a blonde. Her friend gushed about how wonderful it was to see her still kissing her husband after all these years.
Sheela says it would be a mistake to underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship. Never give up the habit of having sex: it is a relationship muscle that must be exercised
My client, who also has blonde hair, had not been at that party. He was clearly having an affair.
In cases like these, I always ask if the couple is sharing a marital bed (if the answer is “no,” that’s a red flag for me). She told me, ‘Oh, we don’t have sex anymore.’ I closed that store ten years ago! Who needs sex when we can watch Netflix together?
Because she had lost interest in sex, she had mistakenly and naively assumed that her husband felt the same way.
Unfortunately, he had left it too late to arrange the marriage. By the time she filed for divorce, her husband had moved in with her mistress and had already begun transferring assets to prevent her from taking too much of “his” wealth.
I hear women complain that they are no longer attracted to their husband (he doesn’t smell good anymore, he’s put on weight, he leaves toenail clippings in the bathroom…), but if you want a marriage to work, I have to find ways to maintain and build an emotional and sexual connection.
Better yet, never give up the habit of having sex—it’s a relationship muscle that needs to be exercised.
To keep the flames of intimacy roaring, you need to stoke that fire regularly.
This doesn’t mean gritting your teeth and doing something you don’t want to do, but it does mean honestly discussing the issue and seeking advice if necessary.
If you’re not in the mood for sex, gently tell him why. He is not a mind reader. Share with each other how your needs and wants may have changed over time and discuss possible ways to better satisfy each other.
Help him overcome his midlife crisis.
Never underestimate the impact of the midlife crisis on men. It affects more than half of them and can appear at any time, usually after the age of 40.
Common triggers range from the trivial (the onset of hair loss) to super-stressors like the death of a friend or parent, overwhelming pressure to maintain a lavish lifestyle, or being passed over for a promotion at work. Many men fear that their virility will be lost when they reach middle age.
So watch for mood swings, a new gym habit, possibly the classic shiny new sports car, and murmurs about “breaking up” and “feeling overwhelmed, trapped, and ignored.”
In her 30-year legal career, Sheela has advised more than 400 couples, guiding them through complex, high-profile cases involving multimillion-dollar settlements, and has learned to spot the worrying patterns of behavior that can so easily derail relationships.
An understanding, understanding and loving wife can make a big difference. But if you’re worried or distracted, things can quickly get out of hand.
Many clients I see don’t talk much with their partners, but good communication and active listening are crucial.
Start the ball rolling by communicating with him. Try, “I see you’re worried, tell me what I can do to help,” or sit down with a bottle of wine and ask him about an aspect of your relationship he’d like to see improved (more time and space). , a reactivated sexual life, control of finances).
If you suspect he might be having an affair, ask him directly. Many women ignore the signs or avoid confrontation, but addressing underlying marital problems now can save you headaches later.
Remember that the grass is not greener.
It is not wise to think that if your relationship is not perfect or as satisfying as before, or if life has become dull and boring, you should slip out of this marriage and look for a better one.
This is especially true for women in their 50s. Unless the marriage is toxic or abusive, it is often wiser to tend to your own patch of grass.
The truth is that no matter how well off you are after divorce, a split does not produce winners.
Your confused mutual friends may take sides, your children will be worried about how this will affect them, and many will struggle to cope.
Plus, the grass isn’t always greener. Many divorced women find the search for a suitable partner frustrating and end up feeling alone.
They tell me that they don’t want to take care of a younger man’s children once their own are grown, and they certainly don’t want to take on the role of caretaker for an older man who is past his prime.
