Do you sometimes feel that your partner needs more care than your children?
Even if you don’t have kids, maybe you’re always picking up and organizing your husband like he’s a teenager? If so, you may have developed a father/son dynamic in your relationship.
Although common, it is not good for marriage as it causes resentment and undermines passion.
Here, two experts reveal how this happens, the signs to watch for, and how to make things more grown-up again.
In heterosexual relationships, men often fall into the role of children due to deep-rooted social and cultural norms, an expert reveals.
What is a romantic relationship between parents and children?
Psychologist Amanda Charles, author of The Psychic Psychologist, says: “It is when one partner assumes a dominant, caring or controlling role – the ‘parent’ – while the other becomes passive, dependent or submissive. : ‘the child'”.
The role of father can take two forms: protective or critical.
“The loving ‘parent’ offers emotional and practical support, while the critical ‘parent’ tends to take control through judgment, nagging, or micromanaging,” Amanda explains.
The critical “parent” often arises out of frustration at feeling that the fellow “child” is not pulling his weight or living up to his responsibilities.
“This can create a cycle of control, in which the person who has taken on the role of ‘critical parent’ feels the need to manage every detail, often unknowingly, stifling the ‘child’s’ growth,” says Amanda.
“This dynamic can become ingrained over time: the parent in the couple becomes increasingly resentful and overburdened, while the child becomes more passive and dependent.”
All of this can lead to frustration and anger, suffocating a relationship, especially in the bedroom, says counselor Georgina Sturmer. “If we feel like a child or a parent in our romantic relationships, then this could prevent us from seeing our partner as attractive and wanting to feel intimate.”
Why are men so often the “boy”?
“In heterosexual relationships, men often take on the role of child due to ingrained social and cultural norms,” says Amanda.
“Women have long been taught to internalize the role of caregiver from a young age, while men are raised to focus solely on providing financial help.
“Even now, many children are socialized from an early age to avoid emotional vulnerability and household chores, which automatically leads to an unconscious dependence on their partner for emotional care and daily household functioning in adulthood.”
It could also be that a couple who have fallen into a parent/child dynamic grew up in homes where their own parents took on those roles.
In some relationships, this ingrained thinking hasn’t caught up, even though both partners are likely working equally hard outside the home.
How to know if you are the ‘father’
Despite working full time, do you take care of everything from cooking and cleaning to babysitting and shopping, and does your partner spend time “relaxing” in the meantime?
Do you manage finances while your partner is uninvolved or irresponsible with money? When you ask for their opinion on important decisions (for example, choosing a vacation), do they show little interest and leave you with the burden?
Does your partner turn to you after a difficult day at work, expecting comfort and guidance, but when experiencing stress or emotional challenges, you struggle to offer the same level of support?
Do you feel like you need to “fix” or control aspects of your partner’s life, intervening to manage their personal or professional challenges?
If the answer to more than one of these questions is yes, you may have taken on the role of parent in the relationship, Amanda says.
Psychologist Amanda Charles, author of The Psychic Psychologist
How to become equal adults again
A frank conversation is required, in which both partners talk about the impact of the other’s behavior. But above all, don’t fall into the parent/child role during this discussion assuming that the “father” is right and the “son” is wrong.
“The ‘parent’ must resist those predetermined impulses to scold, criticize, and rescue,” Georgina instructs. ‘Allow the ‘child’ to have autonomy and freedom, even if that means he or she makes mistakes or doesn’t do things as well as we would like.
“This can be an uncomfortable process, as it may feel like we have to give up a sense of control.”
Amanda agrees: ‘True change only happens when the ‘child’ recognizes there is a problem and decides to change.
‘Instead, if the ‘parent’ in the relationship focuses on altering his own role and interactions, a domino effect can occur that indirectly encourages his partner to change his behavior as well.
‘When a person changes, it affects the dynamic between both parties, prompting each partner to adapt and grow. By increasing their awareness of when they are in a parenting role and shifting to a neutral adult stance, they create space for their ‘child’ partner to also transition into their adult mode.’