Is it ever okay to have a “dry spell”? TRACEY COX reveals what to do if you’ve stopped having sex and when you should worry

‘The last time we had sex was six months ago. I’m not sure why: life just got in the way.’

‘We used to do it at least once a week. Before it was once a month, now it is every three months. Does this mean it will stop completely?

What does it mean to stop having sex as much as you used to?

Is this the end of your relationship or something all couples go through?

The answer is that dry spells happen to the happiest of us. It’s a normal part of any long-term relationship and certainly not a sign that you’re doomed to never have sex again…although you might be if you don’t address it.

One in five people in the UK stop having sex completely by the time they are in their early 40s; that figure increases to 57 percent at age 74. But it’s not just about older people: the frequency of sexual relations decreases after the age of 30, even among those who do not have children. Those who have children commonly find that sex fails and, in some cases, disappears entirely after their arrival.

Some dry spells are understandable: one of you gets sick or one of your parents dies. Others start with a vague loss of interest and then sex simply never resumes.

While some couples are very happy to say goodbye to their sex life. Other people, particularly men, feel frustrated, cheated, and resentful because they are no longer offered sex, but are expected to remain faithful.

Here’s how to successfully deal with a dry spell.

Why do dry periods occur?

There are many reasons why physical intimacy could decrease. Some of the most common include:

Predictability: Over time, we fall into a sexual shorthand with our partners: we know what works and what doesn’t and we stick with what works. This is equivalent to playing only the greatest hits of your favorite band. It’s boring.

Parenting: Being pregnant puts enormous strain on your body; Raising young children puts pressure on both of us. There’s little privacy or time, you’re sleep deprived, and sex seems like just another thing on the to-do list.

Exhaustion and stress: Many people are struggling with the cost of living crisis, worrying about the future and working two jobs to make ends meet. If you’re in middle age or younger, career ambitions sometimes take priority over your relationship. Older couples are affected by caring for elderly parents: it is time-consuming, stressful and can be depressing. It’s easy for sex to slip through the cracks on the list of things that seem important.

Relationship problems: If you’re arguing and you don’t feel heard or loved, the last thing you want to do is kiss and get naked.

hormones: Women struggle more than men with hormonal changes throughout their lives. But especially during all stages of menopause, when the three hormones responsible for wanting and enjoying sex (estrogen, progesterone and testosterone) are drastically reduced. Our bodies change, our vaginas dry out, and sex is uncomfortable—the effects can be brutal. A study of 24,000 postmenopausal women found that only 22 percent were still sexually active.

Aging: As we age, health problems become more frequent. If you have a delicate back, you may not be able to be in a position to have sex. If you don’t feel good, nothing is very attractive to you.

Incentive: Men have an orgasm most of the time they have sex with their partner, many women do not. Sex isn’t and shouldn’t be all about orgasm, but if you know you’re going to have one, your incentive to have sex will naturally be greater. The orgasm gap occurs because men are not educated on how to please a woman and use ineffective techniques.

HOW TO GET BACK ON THE ROAD

The solution to a period of drought depends largely on its cause. But doing all of the following will be a huge help, regardless of the determining factors.

Don’t ignore it. The worst thing you can do is bury your head in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. Acknowledge it by saying something like, “I miss having sex with you and I know we don’t do it as often as we normally do.” Once X (whatever the reason) is fixed, we will be back to normal.”

If sex stopped because of another problem in the relationship, address that first. If you feel stuck or like things are falling apart, see a sex or couples therapist.

Don’t fall for the myths. There are two that you should keep in mind. First, sex naturally becomes less frequent as you get older and the more time you spend together. Manage your expectations. Secondly, don’t compare yourself to your friends. Everyone lies about their sex life. Find what works for you.

Improve your sexual skills, especially if you are a straight man. The more women enjoy sex, the more they want it. The better your technique, the more likely you are to climax.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If your partner just missed out on a promotion they were sure of getting, their self-esteem takes a hit, which affects desire.

Address health problems and reduce stress. The healthier your lifestyle, the more likely you are to continue having sex. Eat well, drink less alcohol and get plenty of exercise.

Do not use sexual substitutes. It is very common for men to satisfy themselves with pornography and masturbation when sex reaches its peak. That’s okay, if you have dramatically different sex drives and don’t want to be a sex pest. Just don’t do it all the time. Women satisfy their need for physical closeness through their children. Don’t just hug the children, hug your partner too.

Love is kind but not blind. Personality counts, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that looks don’t. Don’t be a couch bum: dress up once in a while.

Try something new. If the problem is boredom, get creative and give up the illusion that you don’t need to plan sex. Spontaneous sex is not the only good sex. Each person makes a list of five things they always wanted to try but didn’t. Watch sexy shows together, buy some sex toys. Sex is meant to be fun: people who play, stay!

Listen to Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, every Wednesday.

You’ll find her books, products, and blog at traceycox.com.