WARNING: CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT
Sonnet believes she was always drawn to violent sex and subjugation.
Even as young as eight years old, he recalls having fantasies that were loosely based on the Bible stories he heard in his religious home.
But instead of imagining herself as Mary Magdalene – who washed Christ’s feet with her hair – or the Queen of Sheba from the sexually charged Song of Songs in the Old Testament, she imagined being stoned for a sin she couldn’t fully understand, or the public humiliation of being dressed in sackcloth and ashes and paraded through the streets.
In his book, DeliverShe writes that it was only as an adult, with her extremely understanding and adventurous boyfriend, Max, that she discovered the BDSM underworld, a place where she could finally unleash her wildest fantasies in real life.
Sonnet’s sexual inspiration was less 50 Shades of Grey and more Hornblower
And his inspiration was less Fifty Shades of Grey and more the swashbuckling hero Hornblower.
Hers is not the only book currently exploring women’s sexual desires. Gillian Anderson’s Want has collected anonymous letters from women around the world describing their deepest and most daring fantasies. And for some of her contributors, it is the first time they have given voice to these desires.
But Sonnet (her pseudonym; she chose to write anonymously for obvious reasons) describes how her early explorations as a novice into the world of fetishism, “wide-eyed, excited, enthusiastic, curious, and completely ignorant,” turned out to be nothing like she had imagined.
“The fantasy you have in your mind is under your absolute control,” he writes. “You are an omniscient puppet master. It stops and starts whenever you feel like it, or at least when it’s really time to get down to business.
‘When you start playing with other people, there’s one big unknown in the equation: them. The idea of ’acting out your fantasies’ turned out to be a misnomer. You can’t just act them out, you can communicate them to others and see if together you can use them as inspiration to create a new and unique experience with each other.’
If you have a fantasy of, say, being tied up and blindfolded, it just works, she says. But in reality, there are details to consider: What are you tied up with? Are silk scarves comfortable? What about handcuffs? Where are your legs? Are the other person’s hands big or small, rough or smooth? How many are there?
‘And most importantly, how can I tell when I want it to stop and be sure it will?’
Gillian Anderson’s new book, Want, has collected anonymous letters from women around the world describing their deepest and most daring fantasies.
If you have the fantasy of being tied up, in reality, there are details to take into account
Sonnet’s explorations made her realize that she was not interested in dressing up as an animal: “but that doesn’t mean we can’t respect each other’s beautiful weirdness.”
His memoirs ‘Submit’
But as she and Max met more people in that world, they learned about the language, the acronyms and the etiquette involved. They also read a lot of books and attended a lot of workshops.
“We did a lot of thinking and a lot of talking,” he says. “We made mistakes and attended some absolutely horrible events. We met some lifelong friends and some uniquely strange people.”
And as he explored, he discovered his own attractions and drawbacks.
‘I learned that most of my desires could be described as BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism), multiplayer (group sex), and exhibitionism (being consciously watched). I enjoyed playing with men, women, and nonbinary people alike. I learned that I had little interest in voyeurism (watching people without them knowing) or fetish (particular objects or body parts).
‘One of the most beautiful lessons we learned was tolerance and acceptance. You may not want to piss yourself and I may not want to dress up as an animal, but that doesn’t mean we can’t respect each other’s beautiful weirdness.
A fantasy in your mind is completely under your control, she writes. But when you play it out with other people, there’s a big unknown in the equation.
“And sometimes, the things you never expected to like turn out to be your favorites. How will you know if you don’t try?”
She also became convinced that while many may find her sexual inclinations abhorrent, there are more people like her than she is willing to admit.
He cites the largest survey of sexual desires ever conducted in the United States, by social psychologist Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, who reported that only four percent of women and seven percent of men had never had a BDSM fantasy.
“Sixty-three percent of women have fantasies about forced sex. Eighty-seven percent of women have fantasies about group sex,” she writes. “Forty-five percent of people fantasize about fetish objects and 42 percent about exhibitionism.”
In a survey of sexual desires in the United States, only four percent of women and seven percent of men reported never having had a BDSM fantasy.
When she was first whipped, she writes of the experience: “The first blow was a tremendous shock. The sound was deafening and I felt the pain coursing through my body.”
However, she had never considered pain as a personal fetish until she met a man she calls Anthony.
“Pain was interesting,” she writes. “My secret submissive fantasies, before I started sharing them, tended to be much more about humiliation. If I imagined being tied to the mast of a ship and whipped (thanks, Hornblower), I wasn’t fantasizing about the feeling of the whip tearing through my skin; it was more about people watching me go through that.”
“I wasn’t sure if I really liked physical pain.”
But when Anthony asked her if he could hit her with the cane, she was surprised to say yes.
“The first attack was a huge shock,” she writes. “The sound was deafening and I felt pain coursing through my body. Suddenly, I was hot and wet all over, and I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my body. I sat up straight in shock.
“No,” he said calmly. “Four more. You’re okay.”
“Somehow, my body agreed.”
She had never realized she would enjoy the sexual pleasure that comes from pain, and says she began to want more, offering her body to the increasingly violent blows of Anthony’s collection of canes and whips, as he left red, swollen, painful welts on her body.
The account is difficult to read, but she writes: “The more I saw of Anthony, the more confident I became that even though he would test my limits and push me to the limit, I would enjoy it and, in fact, be completely safe.”
“For me, offering my skin to a dominator wielding a cane is an act of trust.”
She adds, controversially: “I’m not sure it’s really anything more than sharing my hopes, dreams or desires with a partner or a friend.
“Both are extremely vulnerable places and, for me, it is definitely worth taking the risk in both cases.”
Submit by Sonnet is published by Grand Central Publishing
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