“But what about the beaches?” they say.
Yes, beaches, is the standard response from Sydneysiders when you tell them that Melbourne is, in fact, the superior city.
We also have beaches in Melbourne and depending on where you live in Sydney, my city beaches are closer and easier to get to.
Also, no one really likes the beach, they just pretend to like the beach, in reality everyone hates the beach.
You have to drive there, find a parking spot somehow, carry 20kg of gear along a one-kilometer hike in hot weather, lay out your stuff, put your feet in the water for two minutes, sit in towel and pretend to read a Reserve, then walk back hot and bothered with sand in every crevice, drive home and pretend you had fun.
Now that it’s proven that everyone hates the beach, what does Sydney have over Melbourne?
Answer: nothing.
Kyle Sandilands is a ratings success in Sydney but not in Melbourne… hmm, what does that tell you?
Wow, it’s the Sydney Harbor Bridge.
Kyle Sandilands (pictured) is a ratings success in Sydney but not in Melbourne
I, like any true Melbourne loyalist, absolutely hate the hell that is Sydney, but I always gave the city its due credit.
I always maintained that Sydney had the best Chinatown and although I was depressed about my impending extended stay in the gloomy Harbor City, my woes were offset by the knowledge that I would at least be able to enjoy my favorite Chinatown food court and devour some new laksa nightly.
Oh, how wrong I was.
The food court had been closed and I couldn’t find a decent Malaysian restaurant or laksa despite scouring the city with a fine-toothed comb.
I remember a time when you could walk around Haymarket blindfolded, throw a stone and get a nice joint of laksa.
Where are the laksas now? Show me the laksas!
In Melbourne our Malaysian cuisine is plentiful and high quality, and is the laksa capital of Australia despite media reports suggesting otherwise.
Then, the weather.
Laksa is the king of noodle soups in Melbourne but has almost been forgotten in Sydney
People pretending to have a good time at Bondi Beach (pictured)
“Our climate is better,” say Sydneysiders.
No, it’s not.
It’s always humid, or has been during my 11 days here.
I shower and cool off in the air conditioning, but when I make the nine-minute walk to the office I desperately need another shower.
It’s also pouring rain on my only Saturday here so I sulked back to my apartment and watched the races (which I can admit that the Sydney races are better than the Melbourne races and that Everest is the best race in the world) .
Speaking of urine, the coffee in Sydney is rubbish.
I’m not a Melbourne coffee snob, but the coffee I drank in Sydney was pure cat urine. After five days of failure, I took a chance and went to Starbucks and even their coffee tasted worse than usual.
It’s as if Starbucks were selling a drink just to satisfy Sydney’s lower coffee palate.
Ceolwulf (pictured) is a Sydney horse and possibly racing’s next big superstar, as Paul Shapiro admits Sydney racing is better than Melbourne.
Next, the distances.
It’s all Sydney, it’s very far away.
Sydneysiders somehow think that traveling 90 minutes round trip to and from work and home is a reasonable commute.
If someone had to travel 90 minutes to work in Melbourne, they would probably make the front page of the newspapers.
The lifestyle is better in Melbourne.
Wow, the Opera House, the Sydney Harbor Bridge, I saw it once, that’s enough, I’d rather go see Venom 3 at the cinema.
Sydneysiders lament the lockout laws they say have killed nightlife in the city, but who really likes going clubbing?
Clubs are like beaches, no one likes to go to one, but they do it anyway.
Sydneysiders queue forever for public transport
Standing in line for half an hour and paying extra for watered down vodka in a crowded zoo cage, yeah, what a great time!
Melbourne has its fair share of sad nightclubs but our pub culture is a bit more low key, the food is better, the people are better dressed, rather a bit of a joke, we have Australia’s national sport, the AFL, the What to say, our chicken parmas is excellent. .
Melbourne invented the dim sim and we are the home of South Melbourne dimmy, we also know how to cook them properly.
Sydney has nothing decent and no pub food except $15 steaks and $12 Tooheys and Hahn Superdry schooners.
What is the best beer in Australia? Answer: Melbourne Bitter with VB not far behind.
You see the name… MELBOURNE Bitter!
VB beer (pictured), also known as ‘Very Best’
The other night I went to Subway out of desperation because I couldn’t find a decent meal anywhere in the CBD.
I arrived around 7pm (the store closed at 9pm) and they had stopped serving meatball sandwiches.
If a subway in Melbourne stopped serving meatball sandwiches at 7pm, you’d be out of town… Melburnians demand and expect quality and if you don’t deliver it, that’s it.
To be fair, everywhere in ghost town Sydney the CBD closed ridiculously early so I don’t want to single out Subway.
But Melbourne’s CBD operates practically 24 hours a day.
We have the famous Greek restaurant Stalactites, right in the middle of the CBD, which serves luxurious banquets until 2am.
Do you want a pizza or some noodles at 3 in the morning? We’ve got you covered.
Where is the pizza in Sydney? Show me the pizza!
Unbearable traffic jams are common in Sydney
Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking how can this guy give a proper assessment of Sydney when he was CBD depressed for 11 days.
Well, I can’t, but honestly, going to any nearby suburb with some character and community wasn’t worth it.
I was looking at a difficult 30-45 minute drive to get somewhere decent and couldn’t be sure it would be worth the time and effort.
In Melbourne, you’re a 15 minute train or tram ride to hotspots like Chapel St South Yarra, the inner west and Footscray, even into the inner east, Richmond and Hawthorn, it’s hardly any effort.
I haven’t even told you about the mecca that is Melbourne’s magical inner north, where old-school blue-collar immigrant families mix with the young and modern.
You can reach Brunswick or the best park in the world, Edinburgh Gardens in Fitzroy North, in 10 minutes.
And I wouldn’t even dare drive in Sydney.
What an absolute@#*% group it is, bridges, tunnels, absolute psychopaths who risk defying death and every street is one way.
Sydney, do you realize that you can make cars go both ways on a street? Check it out, it might be worth pursuing…
Melbourne people having fun on Chapel Street, South Yarra
I crossed at a pedestrian crossing the other day and an angry Sydney driver (who I could blame him) almost goaded me into crossing the stripes, if he’d had the chance he would have hit me.
And he wasn’t the only motorist who tried to catch me.
Maybe they could sense I was from Melbourne or something.
But I’m not hostile Sydneysiders, so before you whip out your knives and come after me, know that I’m an empathetic Melburnian.
I am sorry for your plight and invite you to come visit my hometown and see for yourself what you are missing.
And if you decide to return, feel free to take what made Melbourne great and unleash it on Sydney, so we can put an end to this silly rivalry once and for all.