Home Australia I’m an alcoholic who’s been been sober for ten years – but now a ‘joke’ has utterly upended my life: DEAR CAROLINE has the answer

I’m an alcoholic who’s been been sober for ten years – but now a ‘joke’ has utterly upended my life: DEAR CAROLINE has the answer

0 comments
From time to time I go out for drinks after work with colleagues, more out of duty than pleasure.

q I am a man in my 40s and I am an alcoholic, although I have been sober for ten years. From time to time I go out for drinks after work with colleagues, more out of duty than pleasure. I always have a soda and make the excuse that I have to drive from the station (I don’t). They almost accept it, but there is definitely a drinking culture.

However, things came to a head at a recent work event on Christmas Eve, when the pressure from colleagues was immense. I kept refusing drinks until one of them jokingly said, ‘Are you an alcoholic?’ I was taken by surprise and remained silent. I’m sure he realized he hit the nail on the head and things have been awkward ever since.

He later apologized for embarrassing me, but now I can’t shake the feeling that my colleagues are talking about me negatively.

From time to time I go out for drinks after work with colleagues, more out of duty than pleasure.

TO The only person who should be ashamed is the man who made the comment and his colleagues for their behavior. It’s embarrassing to pressure someone to drink when they don’t want to, especially when it comes to driving.

People may talk about you when the topic comes up, but they will soon forget about it. Some of your colleagues may even be sympathetic. And if they are making negative comments, then it’s their fault.

However, it seems like you are ashamed of yourself and this is what you need to work on. It takes courage to overcome an addiction, so try to be kinder to yourself and be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Of course, there is a time and place for everything, but sometimes “owning” a problem (acknowledging that it happened) instead of keeping a secret can lessen feelings of shame.

Do I have to choose between my boyfriend and my family?

q I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. Shortly after we met, I moved several hundred miles to live with him because I wanted to be close to his widowed mother, who was very ill. I adapted my job to helping him and his sister take care of her before she died.

The plan was that I would eventually move to my hometown, closer to my adult children and elderly parents. My mother is not well and my father needs more and more help. I feel like it’s my boyfriend’s turn to support me and I asked him if we can move back up north where I still have a house.

However, she later said she can’t face caring for a second person who is dying because it would be too painful. I told him that I helped him with his mother and I think his attitude is selfish. Now he says he could never move because of his job and his friends. Your work is flexible and mostly non-office based, so you could easily move if you wanted to. I’m upset because I feel like he’s not willing to support me when I need it. I wonder if the relationship is worth continuing, but I would feel lonely without him.

TO It must be disturbing for you to be so torn. Perhaps your boyfriend should be given a little leeway, as the feeling that it is too painful for him to go through another death will be valid. Still, you gave him support when he needed it and it’s disappointing that he’s not willing to offer the same in return.

There seems to be a certain selfishness in his attitude. I suspect he may never be willing to move. Long distance relationships can be problematic. Elderly parents who become ill many miles away are often a hotspot. This may not be the right time to make decisions because you are both dealing with pain: yours now and yours to come. So you could try moving to your hometown without your boyfriend for a while and see each other when you can.

You haven’t mentioned love, so maybe a little space will help you evaluate the depth of your feelings for him and determine if you’re staying in the relationship out of fear of loneliness. Unfortunately, you may later have to choose between him and being close to your children and parents; both may not be possible. Deep down, you may be afraid that he doesn’t love you enough to make sacrifices for the relationship, so you should ask him for an honest answer. However, your life shouldn’t just consist of taking care of your parents. You’ll also need to have a social life (and see your kids a lot) if you return. You would both benefit from contacting Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) to help with your grief. And try Age UK (ageuk.org.uk) for advice on getting support for your parents.

You may also like