My partner and I have been invited to my cousin’s wedding in Tuscany. I’m close with my cousin so I definitely want to go and Tuscany is a place I’ve always wanted to visit.
Plus there will be family living outside the UK flying in to attend the wedding, so I have plenty of good reasons to attend.
But it’s Tuscany, in July. We bought flights and they were much more expensive than we expected.
I don’t want us to seem rude, stingy, or even offend my cousin if we don’t get something from the wedding registry they have prepared. But the cheapest item on the list costs £150, writes one reader.
We’ve rented an Airbnb instead of booking the hotel where everyone else is staying because money is tight right now.
Now for the gift: I don’t want us to seem rude, stingy, or even offend my cousin if we don’t get something from the wedding registry they put together.
But the cheapest item on the list is £150 and I can’t spend that amount.
I have argued with my partner who already thinks it is ridiculous to give them an expensive gift after the enormous amount of money we are spending just to be there.
“The problem is that guests often ignore these statements as jokes and not what they really need to do: relieve others of the obligation to buy a gift,”
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: I often ask my clients, ‘who are these judgmental people who would think all those terrible things about you?’
If you’re honest with yourself, I doubt you really think your cousin would consider you rude for not getting something from the wedding registry.
So I invite you to take a step back from the voices you hear in your mind when you imagine these negative reactions.
Ask yourself if that’s really what your cousin might think or if it’s a critical part of you that is sometimes hard on yourself and fears the judgment of others, meaning you’re actually your own worst critic.
Remember that the wedding registry is often presented as an option and not an obligation.
Most of the time, couples who have destination weddings will say “your presence is the gift” because they actually recognize that people will have to pay for flights, hotels, and child care to be there.
The problem is that guests often ignore these statements as jokes instead of what they really need to do: relieve others of the obligation to purchase a gift.
I say this in case you’re the type of person who always wants to do the “right, appropriate, and polite thing” and has ignored the “optional” next to the wedding registry on the invitation or any other signal from the couple that their expectations They are not what you think they are.
Have you ever wondered why you buy them a gift in the first place?
Is it simply because it is the norm and expected?
Or is it about celebrating your love, your togetherness, your expression of support, all of which can be done in more ways than just buying something?
Making your intentions explicit in your mind will help you see other ways to approach them.
You can “invest” in a gift in more ways than just financial.
For example, through a well-thought-out gift, made with time and effort.
Whether it’s a scrapbook, a personalized recipe book, a video montage, a song, anything that fits the relationship you have and both of your personalities. It’s not just about the money spent.
Now, how you give a smaller gift than you’d like or just a non-gift card can make a difference in how it’s received.
You have a whole range of options regarding how much you disclose. You can simply give the small gift with a nice, carefully written card.
Or in your words you can find a way to say that you would have loved to be in a position to receive a larger gift, but that is not possible.
And remember, having made explicit in your mind the reasons why you would have wanted to give them a great gift, be sure to include them in the card you give them because it will make your intention less open to interpretation.
Big, small or no gift at all, let them know how you feel about them and their wedding could be worth more than the £150 decorative bowl.
Do you have any questions for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk Vicky Reynal’s book Money on Your Mind, the psychology behind her financial habits is published by Bonnier Books, £16.99.
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