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Divorce is rarely an impulsive decision. Regardless of who is mulling over the idea of separating, it’s quite common for things to fester for at least a year before any action is taken. But, after 30 years as a divorce attorney and relationship coach, I know that if your marriage has been unhappy and unhealthy, your husband may be using this time to carefully plan his exit. You’ll have everything in place to ensure an orderly divorce settlement that benefits him more than you.
If you don’t want to be caught off guard, it’s a very good idea to be alert to any subtle or hidden warning signs that may indicate that he might be further along in the decision-making process than you think.
Any mention of the “D” word
If he mentions the D-word, even if he says he’s just joking, it could be a sign that he’s thinking about divorce. If he says it casually (“Oh, if it bothers you so much, why don’t you just divorce me?”), he could be quietly gauging your reaction and rehearsing the idea in his mind. But it’s more sinister if he mentions it repeatedly in the heat of an argument (“I’m so tired of this, maybe we should think about getting a divorce.”). Don’t try to talk during a fight, but instead find a calm moment to have a thoughtful conversation about what he meant and where your relationship is at.
Does not respond to affection or sexual intimacy.
In couples coaching, husbands often complain that the sexual spark has gone out in the marriage and often blame wives for being unenthusiastic or unavailable. This is very understandable if you are constantly stressed, trying to juggle many responsibilities, or dealing with challenges like menopause. But when he shuts down and stops responding to physical affection and intimacy, it’s a clear sign that your marriage is falling apart. He’s probably mentally checked out and is planning his exit, imagining a life without you.
After 30 years as a divorce lawyer, I know that if your marriage has been unhappy and unhealthy, your husband could be planning his exit, writes Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart
He’s become suspicious with his phone.
Constantly glued to his phone, distracted, leaving the room to take calls, and receiving messages late at night is suspicious. It’s also strange that he takes his phone into the bathroom or turns it face down when he was previously happy to leave it lying around. This could be a sign of an affair, but it could also mean he’s planning a divorce.
Instead of assuming the worst, ask if anything is bothering them and listen without judgment. Talking about the issue calmly and non-confrontationally gives them a chance to express their concerns, allowing you to focus on solutions rather than blame. Honest communication can help rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship.
He is involved in unusual financial activities.
If he’s making unusual financial moves, such as withdrawing large amounts of cash, moving money between accounts, or opening new credit cards solely in your name, it could be a sign that he’s siphoning off funds to himself so there’s less for you in the event of a divorce. This is certainly an issue you can and should point out. Ask him for an explanation and detailed records. You should start monitoring your accounts more closely (take copies of statements that show any unusual activity) and change passwords or consult a financial advisor. If you’re really concerned, you should notify the banks and consider consulting an attorney about possibly taking legal action if necessary to stop your spouse from moving or dissipating assets.
He’s asking unusual questions.
If you’re thinking about divorce, you may start digging into the details of household bills, subscriptions, insurance policies, or household expenses to get an idea of how much you’ll have to pay. This sudden curiosity about financial and logistical matters could be a warning sign that you’re preparing for separation and may be planning to walk away from the marriage.
He is planning secret meetings.
Pay attention if you leave home or work for unexpected meetings and check for emails, calendar entries, or documents related to law firms or real estate agents. One client’s husband asked for a list of her appointments for that week (she later discovered that he wanted to check that she wasn’t home when she invited a real estate agent to appraise her home). Another client found “family lawyers” in the search history on her home computer.
Strange spending habits
If he is not normally an extravagant man, be suspicious if he starts buying expensive gifts, making large, unexplained purchases, or giving overly generous gifts (valuable works of art, rare collectibles, fine wines) to friends or family without a clear reason. This could be part of a strategy to dissipate marital assets.
Lipstick on her neck
If he’s set on a divorce, he might become less rigorous about hiding an affair, and that’s when you’re most likely to find strange scratches on his back or someone else’s earring in your bed. He might be acting carelessly, or he might be trying to goad you into filing suit. One client found a first draft of a love note (to his lover) crumpled up in the wastepaper basket.
As told to Louise Atkinson
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