An expert psychologist has revealed what narcissists really mean when they say the words ‘I love you’.
writing in Psychology todayDr. Elinor Greenberg warned that both men and women with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) don’t mean the same thing as most people when they say the three special words everyone wants to hear.
According to Dr. Greenberg, what the narcissist really means is, “I love my fantasies about you.”
Dr. Greenberg, who specializes in teaching the diagnosis and treatment of narcissistic adaptations, writes: “The unfortunate truth is that narcissists don’t really fall in love with people.
“They fall in love with their projections of who they currently idealize as the perfect partner.”
Although narcissists do a good job of appearing to be lovers in love when a relationship is recent, it cannot last because it is based on a fantasy, according to the specialist.
In reality, the love you receive from someone who meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will be fleeting as their affection depends on how well you meet their carefully constructed expectations.
“Real people have flaws,” writes Dr. Greenberg. “Once narcissists stop trying to impress you long enough to get to know you, they eventually become disappointed because you are a real person.”
An expert psychologist has revealed that narcissists do not fall in love with you but with the idea you have of yourself (File image)
In her article, Dr. Greenberg goes on to reveal several more shocking truths about narcissistic love.
She warns that when a partner with narcissistic traits discovers that you don’t perfectly embody their fantasy, they will begin to suggest ways you should change.
This is what Dr. Greenberg calls “the construction project.”
If you refuse to make the suggested improvements, your partner will begin to lash out and fights will occur.
Even if you try to accept their suggestions, nothing will be as good as they think because narcissists tend to be perfectionists.
Dr. Greenberg then suggests that as narcissists become increasingly frustrated with their supposed flaws, their charm will wear off and a process called “devaluation” will begin.
When their fantasy falls apart, they will begin to take it out on you by making degrading comments that may attack your appearance, character, or intelligence.
When a narcissist’s fantasy falls apart, he will take it out on you and make degrading comments (File Image)
The last step? Narcissists abandon you, whether physically, emotionally, or both.
With emotional abandonment, your partner may not formally leave the relationship but will make it clear that he or she no longer cares about your well-being.
At this stage, a narcissist may flirt with other people right in front of you or even start cheating on you with someone else.
Narcissists eventually tend to run away from relationships. They will have no problem gathering their belongings and disappearing.
The harsh reality, according to Dr. Greenberg, is that you are like an old toy and they will go out in search of someone new “who hasn’t yet been tarnished by reality.”
Dr. Greenberg’s comments come after a leading clinical psychologist in narcissism, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, explained how you can tell if the person in your life is in fact narcissistic or simply “toxic.”
In a YouTube video that has been viewed more than 50,000 times, he said that “it does no one any favors” when the word narcissism is used “where it doesn’t apply.”
He then explained the difference between “toxic” and “narcissistic.”
To label someone as a narcissist, the person must exhibit a number of specific traits (and lack others) which, in turn, lead to specific behaviors.
Toxicity, however, is “subjective.” In other words, a trait or behavior that one person considers toxic could be perfectly acceptable to another.
Dr Ramani says: ‘Toxic is subjective. Some things bother us based on our histories, our families of origin, our experiences in the world, our beliefs, and our own quirks.’
However, none of those things matter to a narcissist, since narcissism is not a matter of perception.
Rather, “it is a much more definable personality style, based on the accumulation of observations about a person’s behavior.”
Another key difference between narcissists and toxic people is what motivates them, and narcissists crave “control and power.”
And, while a narcissistic person is plagued by “insecurity and shame,” a toxic person may not have “a psychological storm inside.”
Finally, toxic and narcissistic people (and relationships) affect us in very different ways, and narcissistic relationships have “longer-reaching effects.”
Dr. Ramani adds, “Toxic people can be annoying (and) even disturbing at times, but perhaps not as universally harmful (as narcissists).”