When BBC presenter Anita Rani recently shared a post about eldest daughter syndrome earlier this month, it resonated strongly with many who read it.
The Woman’s Hour host, 46, who split from husband Bhupi Rehal last year and spoke of how she is currently undergoing an “awakening,” shared Instagram content from psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera.
The American doctor, also known as The Holistic Psychologist, who has 8.3 million followers, has regularly discussed the impact of being the first-born daughter in a family and the repercussions that birth order could have on a woman in the future.
American psychologist Dr Nicole LePera recently posted a series of slides on her Instagram account about eldest daughter syndrome, including how women who are first-born often feel like they have to be ‘little adults’.
Dr. LePera describes how the eldest daughter often becomes the “protector of the family” and may grow up feeling like a “little adult.”
Years later, those feelings, he explains, can manifest as being an adult who “thinks it’s his responsibility to fix everything and everyone around him.”
Although it’s a term that’s been around for decades, eldest daughter syndrome appears to be becoming more recognized as people become more aware of their mental health.
In Rani’s new post, the term certainly struck a chord.
One woman wrote: ‘I felt every word of that. The hard work that is done as the oldest girl is unfair. Especially if your other siblings are siblings.
Another added: ‘I wish they taught these things in schools to break these cycles at a younger age!’
BBC Radio 2 Woman’s Hour presenter Anita Rani shared Dr LaPera’s posts and said she knows they will “resonate with many of my brown team”.
Rani herself wrote: ‘I had to repost for my South Asian sisters (and of course everyone else), but I know this will resonate with many of my brown team… especially the older daughters.’
One who saw it agreed and said: ‘Very true. Only now, as an adult, am I learning to appreciate my life and myself. “It’s hard to get out of that mentality.”
On TikTok, a number of memes, some called “eldest daughter core,” also discuss the topic, with some first-born women saying they chose not to have children of their own because they had helped raise siblings and were “done being parents” .
TikToker @Melissallgall shared a montage of the roles older daughters feel they should take on, including helping younger siblings with homework, being a nurse, housekeeper, waitress, and disciplinarian.
TikToker Melissa Gallagher posted a montage about what it’s like to be the eldest daughter in the family, saying roles included being ‘a nurse, a maid, a waitress, and a homework helper.’
Many first-born daughters have reported that they do not want to have children in adulthood because they spend time raising their younger siblings.
The trend has sparked thousands of comments about the impact that eldest daughter syndrome has on people’s lives.
One person wrote: ‘First generation, oldest daughter, with a strict upbringing, about to turn 27 next week and I can’t even IMAGINE another human being depending on me.’
Another woman added: ‘Yes, eldest daughter. I carried a lot as a child and I simply don’t have the energy to raise another human being.’
So is anyone really to blame? In 2009, the Netmums Birth Order Report surveyed nearly 10,000 mothers and found that they had much higher expectations of their older children when it came to academic and career success, and said they had lower expectations with each subsequent new sibling.
These high parental expectations made older children more susceptible to anxiety or depression later in life, the researchers said at the time.
FEMAIL asked chartered psychologist Dr Mark Rackley to explain further:
WHAT IS ELDEST DAUGHTER SYNDROME?
Dr. Mark says that while eldest daughter syndrome is not an officially recognized psychological diagnosis, it is “a term used to describe a set of emotional and behavioral patterns that are often attributed to the eldest daughter in the family.” family; consider it the cousin of ‘middle child syndrome’.
It says: ‘It is used to describe the common experiences of the eldest daughters in the family. These common experiences include a greater sense of responsibility, in some cases being a second mother to younger siblings. Excessive pressure to succeed, to bring positive attention to the family, and to set a good example for younger siblings.
‘It can be difficult to establish healthy boundaries with parents, as the eldest daughter has a different upbringing to the other siblings. Finally, it can create a lack of autonomy and independence, as the eldest daughter feels that she has to comply with her parents’ wishes, sacrificing her own.
WHY DOES THE ELDEST CHILD SYNDROME NOT EXIST?
For men, it appears that “sons fall into the more generic category of ‘eldest son syndrome,’ rather than being gender-specific,” says Dr. Mark.
‘With eldest daughter syndrome, it is gender specific because of the cultural and gender expectations placed on girls and then this plays out in the family and then how the girl is treated.
“In some cultures, having a boy is still considered superior to having a girl, so the expectations placed on the girl may be higher to cope with the disappointment parents feel at having a daughter and not a son.”
Dr. Mark Rackley
WHAT PROBLEMS CAN ELDER DAUGHTER SYNDROME CAUSE?
‘This can create challenges for the eldest daughter. “Sibling rivalry can arise when the eldest daughter feels a sense of injustice regarding her parents’ expectations of her and this is very different from other siblings,” says Dr. Mark.
‘It can also breed resentment towards the parents, as the eldest daughter struggles under the weight of their expectations. This can cause tension, arguments, and a toxic relationship between both parties. It can also lead to mental health problems, such as anxiety and depression, as the daughter struggles to cope with an oppressive relationship.
CAN YOU OVERCOME EDS IF You feel like your childhood was shaped by it?
Dr. Mark says that although it is challenging to change the impact of your formative years, it is possible…
‘When we are children, we have limited power and autonomy. We are largely the mercy of the family and the environment in which we grow up. When we become adults, we have independence, maturity, and the power of our own voice at our disposal. We can also choose what we think, do and who we want to be.
‘We are all shaped by our childhood, as we know scientifically that our environment and culture shape and influence our personality. However, just because we are shaped by it doesn’t mean we are stuck in it.”
DR MARK’S ADVICE TO NOT LET YOUR PAST DEFINE YOUR PRESENT
‘If you feel that the demands, expectations and challenges placed on you as an eldest daughter make you feel bad or no longer serve any purpose in your life, it’s time to get rid of them.
‘This may mean leaving a role you did not choose and no longer desire. Setting healthy boundaries in relationships tells others what they can and cannot expect from you. However, it is you who decides this, not your parents.
“You may also need to go to therapy to help you find your voice and act on the positive changes you want to make, as obviously some parents will not want or respect the new changes in the relationship.”
To learn more about Dr. Mark Rackley’s work, visit drmarkrackley.com
