Divorce is never easy, but a family lawyer with 14 years of experience warns that it can be dangerous if not approached the right way.
Cassandra Kalpaxis, author of the book Dignified Divorce, has guided hundreds of clients through the legal separation process. In most cases, it is simply a matter of telling your spouse that you want to separate, resolving all property and custody issues, and then filing for divorce once you have been separated for a period of 12 months.
But for some people, especially women, telling their spouse that they want to end the marriage can be the most dangerous moment of their lives.
Kalpaxis says unfortunately many wives don’t realize they are in a domestic violence relationship until it ends.
And just because they haven’t experienced physical violence in the past doesn’t mean it’s safe to leave the marriage.
That’s why, before taking that crucial first step in a divorce (telling your spouse that you want to end the marriage), Ms. Kalpaxis always instructs her clients to first ask themselves three questions.
Do you have freedom of movement? Do you have financial freedom? And do you have freedom of communication?
The first question is the most fundamental. “You have to ask yourself if you have the ability to come and go without being asked where you’ve been,” says Ms. Kalpaxis.
Cassandra Kalpaxis, 37, said safety should be your first priority and unfortunately many people don’t realize they are in a domestic violence relationship until it ends.
If you don’t, then you are effectively a prisoner in your own home and will need to seek professional help before taking any significant steps towards divorce.
When it comes to financial freedom, you need to ask yourself, ‘Can I take money out or spend it without anyone asking me why?’
Being able to access money during and after divorce is essential because without this freedom you are controlled by the person who has financial access.
“There is also freedom of communication,” says Kalpaxis.
‘Can you talk on the phone with your mother, your friend, your sister without asking questions? Or without being watched all the time or without people checking your phone?
If the answer is “no” to any of these questions then, even without knowing it, you are in a domestic violence situation and any attempt to leave will be fraught with danger.
“Many people don’t recognize this as domestic violence; they are so used to coercive control that they think it’s normal when it’s not,” Ms Kalpaxis says.
She has worked with many women, especially those over 50, who have never had access to finances and do not recognize this as financial abuse. In a situation like this, leaving a spouse without a plan in place can be insecure.
“Many women have been groomed to believe that they are not smart enough to handle money,” she says.
“They have been told from the beginning that this is not their role in the relationship.”
Kalpaxis says the “coercive” partner sometimes doesn’t realize their actions are abusive. They are surprised to discover that there are systems in place to protect their ex-partner from them during the divorce process.
“They could be controlling the finances because that’s what they thought they had to do, it could be generational.”
In cases like these, attorneys still serve as a safety net for the controlled person.
If you are in a situation where you have freedom of movement, financial freedom, and freedom of communication, then you are in a good position to ask your spouse for a divorce. It won’t be an easy conversation, but it will probably be a safe one..
Kalpaxis is an advocate for peaceful divorce and firmly believes that the process does not have to be toxic. For her, that first conversation is essential.
‘It’s an opportunity to be on the same page. The other person might be surprised and angry. Or maybe they are thinking the same thing,” he says.
There is a fourth “bonus” question that people should ask themselves before telling their husband or wife that they want a divorce. This question also applies to the person receiving the conversation: “Do we have In fact Do we need to get divorced or do we just feel disconnected because life got in the way?
Kalpaxis says she often sees couples with children divorce simply because they forgot to make time for each other, and when their children grow up, they feel like they are living with a stranger.
But he’s seen estranged marriages reconnect — even after the “divorce talk” — because both parties committed to getting to know each other again.
‘They reconnect as single people and realize that the bond between them is still there. And without the distractions of children and work, they manage to rebuild their relationship,” he says.
It is important to ask yourself three questions before telling your partner that you want a divorce
Coercive control has been described as an “insidious” type of domestic violence. It is a criminal offense in the state of New South Wales.
Many aspects of coercive control are addressed in family law in Victoria, Tasmania, the Northern Territory and the ACT.
It will be considered an offense in itself in Queensland from 2025, while lawmakers in South Australia and Western Australia are in the midst of consultations to change the laws.
Speaking to FEMAIL, medical doctor Philippa Kaye previously warned about the subtle signs of coercive control and what to do about it.
“An abuser who does this could monitor their partner’s social media, text messages and calls, dictating what they can eat, when they exercise, who they can see and how much money they spend,” she said.
‘Domestic abuse is defined as any controlling, coercive or threatening behavior or violence.
‘It can be physical, psychological, sexual, emotional, financial and more. And whatever form it takes, it is a crime.
Men who use coercive control in their relationships are more likely to kill their partners than other abusers, even if they have not been physically violent before or if physical violence has not been the primary form of abuse in the home.