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It’s the tired complaint of women across the country as we sip a glass of dry white wine with our friends. ‘He doesn’t listen to me’, ‘He never does what I ask’, ‘Why do I have to do everything?’
So you might be interested to know that a husband or partner ignoring requests for help with housework or carpooling could actually be a disruption rather than a reason to separate.
We constantly create new titles for behaviors that have been around forever, and the concept of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is not new. But the name, and designating it as a disorder or part of the autism spectrum, is brilliant and should be taken very seriously.
Psychotherapist Marissa Peer explains that pathological demand avoidance PDA should be taken very seriously.
I understand that it’s hard not to be dismissive if you feel like you’ve spent the best years of your life yelling at what might as well be a brick wall. It’s also hard not to assume that all men have some degree of PDA.
But PDA is a genuine condition that requires support and understanding. Here I explain how to tell if your loved one is unwell (or just upset) and what to do about it…
What is PDA?
Simply put, those with PDA feel compelled to avoid anything they don’t want to do or anything they perceive as demanding.
It is a subconscious attempt to maintain control, effectively resisting or refusing to do what society asks, and it makes those who have it feel desperately anxious, alone and unhappy.
We are all born to find connection and avoid rejection. When you can’t do what people ask of you, you are constantly disconnected and, furthermore, you don’t understand yourself. There is a lot of self-hatred.
Life is, if you think about it, a long series of demands. You absolutely need to decide to complete a certain number of actions just to get through the day. Imagine never being able to achieve what you want to do. That’s what pathological demand avoidance is.
That doesn’t mean men who haven’t unblocked the gutters yet have PDA even though you asked three days in a row.
If your husband has Pathological Demand Avoidance, it will be impossible for him to pick up those dishes and put them away. He’s not just lazy, explains Marissa
It goes far beyond simply not feeling like it or refusing “because you’re a pain.” It’s a disease. PDA is often associated with depression and anxiety and is generally said to be part of the autism spectrum, although it is not yet formally recognized clinically, meaning it is very difficult to obtain a diagnosis.
Sufferers are more likely to be labeled as stubborn, difficult or selfish, when the reality is that they live with constant self-loathing and an inability to move forward in daily life.
So is my husband autistic?
Well, autism has become a buzzword. Without disparaging anyone who actually has it, many people say they are autistic because they don’t like being in crowds or talking to strangers.
Sometimes it’s a convenient label. However, some of these things are probably due to having some degree of autism. I certainly think there are a lot of men on the spectrum, probably more than ever, who are undiagnosed.
How does PDA manifest?
When someone with PDA is asked to do something, they may feel anxious, have palpitations, have a headache or stomachache, and may begin to sweat. It’s very real and the genuinely painful symptoms are similar to, say, getting into an elevator if you have claustrophobia or the fight-or-flight reflex.
But knowing that doesn’t make living with it any easier. The first thing people fight about in relationships is money and the second thing is the division of tasks.
If you ask your husband, “Can you empty the dishwasher?” he may respond, “Well, I can, but I’m not going to do it right now.”
Later, when you’re not on top of him, he’ll do it, put the clothes in the dryer and take out the trash. Or, if they left it for days, he would eventually run out of dishes and do it.
If your husband has pathological demand avoidance, it will be impossible for him to pick up those dishes and put them away. Excuses will be made, ‘I didn’t realize, it’s not important to me’, or anger or aggression.
My husband has an uncanny ability to leave used tea bags on every surface in the kitchen. When I challenge him about it, he laughs and finally sets them straight. Absolutely no PDA. He’s not stressed by me asking him, he just does it at his own pace.
Will this make a couple miserable?
Very likely. The foundation of a relationship is to feel seen and heard, and PDA means this is impossible, which will lead to conflict and arguments. If your needs are not met, then your relationship is a very miserable place.
Over time, as you know, we will do the offending tasks ourselves, probably cursing, bumping and hitting, which makes the victim even more unhappy.
It’s the classic, “she doesn’t understand me, I don’t understand her,” but in reality a person is not well, which makes them feel miserable and frustrated, in addition to limiting their life because there are so many things they don’t want (can) . t) do. They are literally unable to function in society.
Anyone who is successful in their career and relationships does things they don’t want to do; They make difficult calls, they get up earlier than they want, they ask for help. Do you seem stuck, unable to do your job properly, seemingly uninterested in progress? So I might have PDA. But you shouldn’t feel guilty.
If there is tension in your marriage and you are angry, then you won’t necessarily notice that he is hurting.
If I think it has it, what can I do?
You need to learn some strategies, the most important of which is to not let it get to you. Remember, he’s not thinking, “I’m going to walk out of the kitchen like that to hurt her or belittle her.” He’s doing it, whatever it is, because he lives in a different place than you.
Think of it as a disease. If YOUR husband was diabetic, you would make concessions. You need to be nicer to him and start connecting anywhere you can.
I say think about the three Ps. Is it permanent, pervasive and personal? It’s none of these three for you. Not to say it’s not difficult, but those with PDA are struggling too.
The best thing you can do is find a group or create a group with other people (I realize this is easier said than done). By connecting with others in the same situation, you will both feel understood and a little better.
And it’s important to remember, in the same way that you would say that someone has an illness, that they are not being difficult, they just have a different brain.
- Marisa Peer is a psychotherapist and author of I Am Enough
www.marisapeer.com @marisapeerterapia