Stand-up comedians often dream of their 15 minutes of fame, hoping to turn their fleeting popularity into lasting recognition.
But imagine if that opportunity was reduced to just 60 seconds, in front of 20,000 people at a packed Madison Square Gardens in New York City, and the entire experience was recorded and stored on YouTube forever.
Not to mention being the butt of jokes from two of America’s most popular comedians: Shane Gillis and Adam Ray, as part of the stand-up comedy podcast ‘Kill Tony’.
No pressure, right?
Kill Tony is a comedy podcast and live show hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, the producer behind the show. Joe Rogan Podcast. Similar to a talent show, Amateur comedians sign up and perform a one-minute set without interruptions, with a panel allowed to brutally analyze the performance afterwards.
The trick? The lineup is chosen randomly from a cube.
Pictured: Alexa Cimino walking to the microphone for Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden on August 10, 2024
Most normal, sane people would consider this a nightmare situation.
A comedian whose name was removed from the competition walked out moments before going on stage, completely overwhelmed by the pressure.
But the surreal moment when my name ‘Alexa Cimino’ was called across the famous stadium will forever remain etched in my memory.
Having only done stand-up since March, I was intrigued by Tony’s system, which seemed like a lottery. I had my “top five” act down pat, so I picked my strongest minute.
Worst case scenario? Not getting chosen. Best case scenario? Playing in front of a sold-out crowd at MSG.
As Hinchcliffe often says, “anything can happen” and so it does: many are… Some are unprepared, some are belligerently drunk, or there are people like me who had never seen an episode but jumped at the chance to perform at the world-famous stadium.
I had waited in the “registration” line on the first day of his show, even convincing my editor to let me leave work early (sorry Barclay, but hey, look what happened!).
Kill Tony is a comedy podcast and live show hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, the producer behind the Joe Rogan podcast. The Austin-based show has gained immense popularity this year, culminating in two sold-out nights at Madison Square Garden.
More than 800 comedians lined up to enter the Kill Tony contest, but only 300 or 400 were allowed in.
I arrived at 4pm, thinking an hour was enough time to secure my spot in line for the 5pm registrations.
I was sorely mistaken. At least 800 aspiring comedians had been waiting in the sweltering 95-degree heat since 11 a.m. when I arrived.
Only 300 to 400 people were allowed in. I didn’t make it in that day, but I was determined.
The next day, I came prepared. There were only about 20 people in line when I arrived at noon, so that was fine. I talked to the other comedians, who had flown in from all over the country.
They seemed to be in good spirits, some carrying snacks, bottles of water or passing beers to the end of the line.
It felt like a comedy party where, instead of football, we talked about the “boost” of Kill Tony, referring to the potential career boost that could come from being selected to act on the show.
Pictured: Lines of comedians file into a waiting area before being allowed inside Madison Square Garden for the show.
When it came time to sign up, we were herded like cattle through metal detectors and made to sign waivers so our performances could be streamed on YouTube for the world to see.
We were given wristbands and escorted into the stadium. I recognized familiar faces from the New York comedy scene on the poster.
I quickly touched up my makeup, which had melted in the heat, before the production crew confiscated our phones and led us upstairs to the arena.
On the left side of the stage there was a special section reserved for comedians who had entered their names into the boat.
A live band livened up the crowd and the show began.
First came Tony, followed by Redban and then a host of comedy stars: Shane Gillis as Donald Trump, Adam Ray as Joe Biden and comedian Dave Attell. Harland Williams joined the panel later.
As Tony began to explain the system of calling the cubes to me, I realized that I had voluntarily signed up for three hours of anxiety, because no one knew who they were going to call.
I quickly changed my sneakers into a pair of red heels. I had my lip gloss in my right hand in case I needed to reapply it at the last second, and a rosary in my left hand.
I couldn’t stop shaking.
I pulled out my trusty red joke book and flipped through the pages frantically. Since I knew I’d probably be so shocked I’d forget my own name if I was called on stage, I needed to strategically select jokes that came naturally to me. Like the kind of jokes I knew so well I could recite in my sleep—or, more precisely, on my forearm, where I’d discreetly scribbled my top five.
Once Tony drew a name from the bucket, he handed the piece of paper to a production assistant, who then wrote it on a white board for all the comedians to see.
By the sixth draw, my nerves had calmed down. With so many names in the pot, I thought I was safe. I was about to go to the bathroom when I saw my name on the board.
It turned out that my chances of being called were much higher than I thought for one reason: I was a woman.
The vast majority of comedians who volunteered were men, highlighting the dearth of women in comedy.
Tony wanted a woman, and he had one last choice for Saturday night’s show, so he kept throwing out names until he found one: mine.
The shorthand scribbles on Alexa Cimino’s arm for her one-minute introduction to Kill Tony
The production team rushed me backstage, pale and with shaking hands. The production assistant started giving me the rules: “Don’t touch the judges, don’t go over time, and when you hear a kitten meowing on the soundboard, it’s your time to finish.”
All I could say was, “I’ve never seen this show before.”
The producer chuckled and said, “It’s not usually like that.” this crazy.’
And then I heard Tony introduce me to the audience.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this will be the first female comedian to grace the Madison Square Garden stage.
‘Make some noise for Alexa Cimino.’
The roar of the crowd was deafening and my body was shaking with anticipation and excitement. I still had the rosary in my left hand.
“Dear God,” I prayed silently, “if you are listening, I hope you are laughing too.”
I walked up the stairs, picked up the signature red microphone and looked out at a sea of 20,000 faces spread out before me.
You could hear a pin drop.
The spotlight fell on me and I took a deep breath, feeling a surge of adrenaline as I began my presentation.
The words came out with a confidence he didn’t know he possessed. The laughter of the crowd echoed throughout the stadium.
In comedy terms, he had “made it.”
Months of perfecting every joke and punchline paid off that night. I managed to crack a joke with Shane Gillis, who was dressed as Donald Trump, after asking him how his ear was after the assassination attempt. When I applauded his response, he said he “liked” me after initially fearing I was a “disgusting bitch.”
It was fun, but you have to see it to understand it.
After being interviewed by the jury, I was given a “big” joke book, a prestigious symbol that a bucket I had dumped had impressed the judges. (If you failed, you were given a comically small joke book, one in which you couldn’t even write a shopping list.)
As I walked off stage, I was greeted by some of the biggest names in comedy, who congratulated me and shook my hand.
Ari Matti, a Kill Tony regular (and now my new crush) gave me the world’s biggest bear hug.
“You did absolutely amazing,” Ari said, his thick Eastern European accent as prominent as ever.
(The main thread of my series was about my affinity for foreign men. Ari, if you’re reading this, call me.)
I don’t remember the rest of the performances that followed because I was in shock. I went back to my seat, while the other comedians hugged me, praised me, and took turns looking at the personalized leather joke book.
After the show, I was bombarded with congratulations, autograph requests and lots of love, especially from the women in the audience. It took me almost an hour to leave the venue.
I saw the effect of Kill Tony take place in real time. It’s been a month since I performed at Madison Square Garden and I’m still on cloud nine, performing with renewed confidence.
Pictured: The Big Book of Jokes, awarded to comedians who impress the judges on Kill Tony
For the first month, MSG special offers were behind a paywall on Kill Tony’s website.
Some clips of my performance circulated on social media and one of them had over four million views.
Now, both nights have been posted on YouTube. I have received a lot of support, from messages and comments to growing recognition in the comedy world.
My life was completely transformed in ways I could never have imagined because of that one-minute performance, and I am eternally grateful (and lucky).
In a few weeks, I’ll find out if the Kill Tony lump is real or if I’ll be climbing the comedian ladder all over again.
