It’s when I shout with a trembling voice: ‘I think that’s enough!’ I fear for my lower right rib. I am encased in a corset that is tightly laced and with each tug, I am nearly torn from the ground. I hold on to the roof rack of a four-by-four just to stay upright.
It’s a scene reminiscent of Gone with the Wind, when Scarlett O’Hara is ordered to “Wait and breathe!” her as she clings to the bedpost in an effort to stay stable while mom ties her up before a picnic.
But why do I cling to a four by four? Well, I just arrived in Notting Hill from London to road test this waist-cinching corset. And it restricts my movements to the point that I couldn’t use it on the way here, because I literally couldn’t sit with it.
Now I have it on and the pressure on one of my ribs is so intense that I’m worried it might break. Panicking, I say confusedly, ‘Let go! Loosen it! My rib is about to break!’
I’m clearly not as military-minded as reality star and businesswoman Kim Kardashian, who managed to stay composed even though her corset was so tight she could barely breathe.
Samantha Rea challenged a Kim Kardashian-style corset to show off on the streets of London
This was just a few days ago, at the Met Gala, an annual event in New York where celebrities compete to outdo each other on the red carpet.
Video footage of Kim K at the event appears to show her giving small gasps, as if the corset had compressed her lungs so much that there was barely any room for oxygen.
Since breathing is essential to staying alive, Kim K made headlines for prioritizing fashion over her ability to breathe, in a move seen by many as “dangerous.”
With a waist that looked so slender it was rumored to measure just 19 inches, there was speculation that Kim K had removed part of her ribcage, while others wondered where she now kept her guts.
Experts shared warnings about the health risks associated with wearing such a crushing corset, suggesting it could cause digestive problems, rib deformities and damage to internal organs, as well as restricted breathing.
The brave journalist put on the garment after Kim Kardashian surprised her fans with her corset.
Kim’s outfit featured sheets of metal chain mail and a corset so tight it made eyes water when she arrived at the Met Gala.
And then, of course, there were concerns about the beauty standards it set for girls, with glamor model turned reality star Nicola McLean calling it irresponsible.
But scaremongering aside, I think Kim K looked AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING! And really, a 19-inch waist isn’t even that small.
When Posh Spice married David Beckham in 1999, she apparently had an 18-inch waist, thanks to a corset hidden under her Vera Wang wedding dress.
Burlesque star Dita Von Teese is said to have a 16.5-inch waist when strapped into a corset and Kylie Minogue was rumored to have cinched her waist to just 16 inches for her 2005 Showgirl tour.
It’s true? Who knows! But they all look fabulous, so I wonder what a corset could do for me.
Victoria Beckham, Dita Von Teese and Kylie apparently enlisted the help of internationally acclaimed corsetiere Mr. Pearl, who also worked with Kim K and the cast of Bridgerton.
The journalist chose an underbust corset that covered the torso of her body.
Unfortunately, I can’t afford Mr Pearl’s celebrity-sized fees, so I head to Camden, North London, in search of an affordable, ready-to-wear corset that will make me look like Kim K.
After wandering through the maze of Stables Market, past leather belts and 1950s dresses, I find a row of corsets in a shop called Tainted Prince. ‘Over the bust or under the bust?’ asks the woman who runs the store.
I look embarrassed at my scruffy sneakers, thinking he’s checking how close I am to financial ruin before deciding whether to help me or not. But it’s okay! It turns out that “over the bust” means that the corset covers your breasts, while “under the bust” means that it ends just below them.
Having chosen “underbust”, we discuss my options and I explain that I want a corset that can fit me really tight so my waist looks super tight like Kim Kardashian’s.
And so I’m strapped into a sturdy black corset, as I hold on to a clothes rail in an effort to stay upright. My ribcage can’t compete. Accept the corset, and as it gets smaller and smaller, I remember a drawing I saw online of what your insides look like when you have a corset on.
They are actually two drawings side by side. The first shows what your insides look like when you’re not wearing a corset, with everything where it should be. Then the second drawing shows your insides and internal organs, all crushed, distorted, and pulled out of place.
I try not to think about this and instead focus on the beautiful image of the hourglass in the mirror in front of me. Sold!
I plan to wear the corset out and about this afternoon, and I suspect it would be easier if I skip lunch. Only I never skip lunch. I never miss a meal. I can’t even understand the popular concept of “brunch” because you’re either missing out on breakfast or lunch, and why would anyone miss out on the opportunity to eat?
That’s why I don’t skip lunch and, thanks to my generous portion, I always eat it in a large baking container, but unfortunately I don’t have time to sit still for an hour, as I like.
Instead, I run out, in a slight state of anxiety about where my lunch will go when I’m strapped into the corset.
Samantha revealed that when they tightened her corset, she found it difficult to stay upright.
One factor Samantha didn’t consider was the heat as she laced up her tight corset in the high temperatures.
It’s a hot day and I don’t need an extra layer around my midsection, but this is the least of my worries as I’m now really worried about my lunch falling off my body. Because that’s what happens, isn’t it, when you press things too hard: the content comes flying out.
Think of a tortilla wrap. If you press it too hard, all the chicken and guacamole spills out of both ends. And I’m pretty sure I know which way my lunch will explode.
But it’s okay because I look fabulous. I mean, I think so. I can’t actually get close to a mirror or reach the one in my bag because my movement is so restricted. I can’t walk in heels at the best of times, so pairing them with a corset that I can’t bend or breathe means I’m kind of stuck here on the pavement. Like a beached whale but with a smaller waist.
I imagined sipping a martini on an atmospheric terrace in Notting Hill, like Dita Von Teese, only she’d be holding the martini glass, instead of splashing around in it, doing a burlesque routine.
The problem is that I can’t limp to a bar. And even if I was taken to one, in an over-the-shoulder firefighter’s lift (yes, please!), I would have no chance of sitting down when I got there. And I’m definitely not going to be standing in heels.
Samantha found that her movement was severely restricted while wearing the corset.
After asking other people online what they thought about corsets, most agreed that they were deeply uncomfortable.
So my plans are a little frustrated and I’m also very hot. I’d like to drink some water, except I’m not sure there’s anywhere to go. How the hell did Scarlett O’Hara manage her picnic?
I may not even look as fabulous as I expected, because when I send a photo to my boyfriend, all he gets back is a big laughing-crying emoji. So not only do I feel uncomfortable, but it’s all for nothing since I apparently look ridiculous. Maybe I’m less Kim K and more Sam Smith.
Feeling a little deflated I ask on Facebook: ‘Corsets! Thumbs up or down? My friend Jo says she has a corset custom made for her: ‘It’s beautiful! However, I can’t use it anymore because I live alone and you need to hold your breasts in place, get someone to tie you up, put one foot on your back and tighten the laces – a completely impossible feat alone!!’
This is very true: corsets are not a one-woman job. I ask Jo if she ever suffered a crushed rib or breathing problem while she was wearing the corset. She says: “There were no injuries, but I always made sure not to go out to eat that night as it would be uncomfortable.”
Louise says: ‘Don’t get me wrong… I need a Ramipril refill at the thought of Dita Von Teese in a glass of champagne wearing a black corset. However, a gadget that has the power to move internal organs should be relegated to the past.’
I Googled ‘Ramipril’ and it turned out to be a high blood pressure medication. I’m glad to know that, despite concerns about internal organs, corsets are still considered attractive (although apparently not to me).
Twitter seems to echo these mixed feelings when I post a poll that yields these results:
I just spent the afternoon in a corset. It’s your first thought:
Are your ribs okay? 13%
Internal organs screwed? 3%
Could you breathe? 31%
Where are the paintings? 53%
Despite an awkward afternoon, I still think Kim K looked fabulous at the Met Gala and I still love Dita Von Teese’s vintage glamour. Who doesn’t feel better when she puts effort into her appearance? And frankly, I wouldn’t even enjoy a martini in my jogging pants—dressing up is part of the fun.
It crosses my mind that if wearing an item of clothing restricts your movement and your ability to eat, and means you can’t even dress yourself, then maybe it’s not hugely empowering. But then again, maybe I just need staff, because I swear my life would be so much easier if I just had people to do things for me. So I will definitely wear my corset again, but maybe next time I will lace it up a little more!