- Do you have any questions for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
Q: My partner and I have been together for six years and have lived together almost since the beginning of our relationship. I have a stable job and have been working for the same company for eight years and earn enough to enjoy a good lifestyle.
When we met, he had just left his job due to a disagreement with his boss. Since then she has been trying to get a job here and there to contribute her half of our expenses and the rent. But somehow she always ends up badly.
To date, he has changed more than five jobs, attempted to start two businesses, and has had periods of unemployment. He also tried his luck trading cryptocurrencies online and lost the little savings he had.
I end up having to bail him out, paying off small loans he takes to start businesses and cover half the expenses.
Should I unplug it?
Your partner could be trapped in a cycle of financial self-sabotage, writes Vicky Reynal
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: It sounds like your partner might be stuck in a cycle of financial self-sabotage. Unfortunately, it may seem to you like he’s still getting his way, but things are happening here.
For multiple deep-rooted reasons, people sometimes don’t allow themselves to enjoy good things like money, success, or a good job. It could be because they feel unworthy, because they lacked good role models growing up, and on some level, they don’t feel like they have “what it takes.” They may even be afraid of success and the envy that it may provoke in others.
Another reason for your self-sabotage could well be related to your relationship. He will see, unconsciously, some people end up finding themselves in situations where they need to “rescue” because it helps them feel cared for.
What drives this need varies. Sometimes there is painful trauma at the root. But, as I often tell my clients, it takes two to build a dynamic, and you are complicit in establishing this victim and savior dynamic. It sounds like you are aware of this and know you have the ability to stop it.
So, in a way, you know that ending your relationship is for the best.
Maybe the question is: as to do it? Ending it without a conversation could be unnecessarily brutal and not lead to much learning. She would advise him to talk to her partner about how she feels every time she has to bail him out. Be curious about why this keeps happening and what you can do to help him avoid needing to be rescued in the future. Please indicate your intention to discontinue this pattern.
A therapist could help your partner figure out why he or she is stuck in a destructive pattern. If not, think together about how you ended up in this dynamic and options for the next time he can’t pay half the rent that don’t involve you intervening.
Sometimes we allow history to repeat itself when we can avoid it.
Vicky’s book Money on your mind: the psychology behind your financial habitsis available now for £16.99 from Bonnier Books.