I’m jealous of my husband’s dead ex-wife. She was rich and he expects me to spend as extravagantly as she does. What I can do? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL responds

Q: My second marriage is going through a bad time and it’s my fault. My husband is everything you could want: handsome, fit and with a great sense of humor.

Unfortunately he lost his first wife to cancer and she was stunning, adored by everyone (and I didn’t realize it), but to me, worse than that, she came from a very well-off family. I’m not jealous of her appearance because I know she disappeared in the end.

Rather, I’m jealous of what she was able to bring to the marriage. She spent money on their first home together, as well as an apartment in London. She paid for all the luxury vacations and cars and gifted my husband a life that, as a private school teacher, he could never have afforded.

We met in the same profession, but I have modest means and feel like a second best wife, quite weak. I always find myself picking fights over money and, instead of copying her extravagant spending, I treasure what I have. My husband says I’m obsessed with saving and relaxing because we’re comfortable, but all this keeps me up at night.

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: I’m intrigued by these fights over money – since money isn’t scarce by the looks of it, it would seem like they’re clashing over different views on spending.

But I think you’re implying that that’s only half the story and that some of her underspending is related to her husband’s first wife. Let’s try to unpack that.

First of all, I would try to understand where this “savings obsession” comes from. Have you always been ‘careful’ with money? Or is it a recent phenomenon, potentially triggered by the fact that you now have more money than you’re used to, and therefore adjusting to your new spending power seems unnatural and contrary to your instinct to be cautious with money?

To analyze this, try to distinguish between a desire to save and a resistance to spending. What is the ‘obsession’? Psychologically they are very different, although in the end they lead to the same thing: the money stays in the account and is not enjoyed.

Thinking about the desire to save, is it comforting to keep the money, to feel that pot growing? Does it give you a feeling of security? Or, thinking about a spending difficulty, is it more about how it feels to use the money you have, to allow yourself to have things, to treat yourself like you (or perhaps your family) couldn’t in the past?

If you grew up in a family where rich and “extravagant” spenders were criticized, this could increase your resistance to spending. If that behavior were judged, even if you have the means to afford a luxury vacation as a couple, you might feel pretty torn about indulging in that kind of pleasure and a voice in your head might tell you, “don’t be one of those people.” . ‘.

If you grew up in a family that prided itself on modesty and moderation, that might also make it difficult to emulate your ex-wife’s spending habits.

Secondly, I wonder what you think of the money you share with your husband. Since he tells me that he is a teacher, it seems that the financial freedom he has now is a result of his ex-wife passing away (perhaps inherited money or life insurance payout). I wonder if psychologically it is difficult to enjoy and spend this money as freely as if it came from another source. Could it be a feeling of guilt that prevents you from spending it?

I also wonder if it’s not about money at all, but rather the insecurities inherent in the relationship. What are these arguments achieving? Is your way of unconsciously orchestrating a dynamic in which your husband says, “It’s okay, honey, we’ve had enough,” because what you really want to hear from him is, “It’s okay, honey, you Are they enough?

Is the financial abundance you are jealous of simply symbolic? You may be concerned that her husband’s first wife was a “better wife” and are seeking reassurance that you are not “second best” and that he is not dissatisfied with you.

Or is he the one you feel “second best” around? If you see your husband as “abundant” (he tells me he has “everything”: “handsome, fit and with a great sense of humor”), do you think you have more of a right to the good things money can offer you? Do you buy and are less deserving of them?

By digging deeper into what’s stopping you from enjoying the money you share with your husband, you’ll have a better chance of changing your behavior.

Money on Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits by Vicky Reynal is published by Bonnier Books UK and is out this Thursday (May 9). Pre-order at Waterstones now and get £4 off with code MoneyMind24 at checkout.