Dear Jane,
I have been married to my husband for four years, and for six. When we first met, it seemed like we agreed on many different things when it came to our future — where we wanted to live, what we wanted to achieve, and what we wanted our relationship to look like.
Almost everything, except for one issue: the kids. My now-husband was clear from the start that he wanted kids, but for me, that was always something I hesitated about.
I don’t need kids the way a lot of women do, I don’t feel any kind of maternal yearning, and I always thought I’d just wait and see what happened. If the kids end up being a part of my future, that’s fine, but I wouldn’t feel bad if they didn’t. So I’ve always agreed with my husband’s feelings about it, and thought we’d work it out if and when that happened.
But over the past few years, I’ve been leaning more and more away from the idea of having kids. It would be fine, if my husband hadn’t become increasingly excited about the idea—I regularly ask when I’m going to stop birth control so we can start a family.
I have no idea how to tell him how I really feel about kids. Because I really didn’t know how I felt when we got married. But if I tell him now, I am terrified that he will leave me. And if I don’t, and pursue his dreams of a family, surely I’m going to resent him – and the kids – for the rest of my life? please help.
from above in the heir
Dear Jane, I lied to my husband about wanting children our entire relationship – and now I’m terrified he’d leave me if I told him the truth
dear in heir,
No matter how compatible you were when you met, you are so far from compatible now that there is no way forward until you sit down and discuss it. Until you do, you have no idea how your husband will react.
The international bestselling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most pressing issues in her weekly column Dear Jane agony aunt
He wants kids, but he might be willing to make that sacrifice just by telling him how you feel. You don’t want children, but you might be willing to consider it if you and your husband can honestly and openly discuss what having children entails and what you imagine each of your responsibilities to be.
Right now, there’s a huge hitch in your marriage, and there’s only so much time you can kick that ball of his on the road. I would argue that your marriage has a greater chance of survival if you sit down, take a deep breath, and explain how you feel.
Getting around the problem makes it bigger and more powerful. And given the extremely important nature of this discussion, you may also want to consider working with a couples therapist who can help you have a positive and productive dialogue.
In general, I find that the things we fear are not nearly as terrifying once we encounter them. Whatever the outcome, you will be fine. You have always been fine.
And if you really are on very different paths, with different visions of your life and your future, you may have come to the common conclusion that separating and letting each other fulfill both of your desires is the only way for each of you. Find your own happiness.
But neither of you can proceed, together or alone, until this discussion has taken place.
Dear Jane,
I’ve been dating this guy for three years. He still loves his ex-wife, but refuses to be with her. He lives in my house and hardly contributes to the house.
I want him to leave and get out of my life. We don’t have sex, that connection is over. We don’t do anything together that couples do…we don’t go out to breakfast, we don’t go on dates, or bowling, or nothing.
I used to make breakfast for us to enjoy together on the weekends as we both work Monday-Friday, but I don’t do that anymore. We used to embrace the cold nights as it’s winter here in Canada, but that’s a stop, too. I just don’t want him in my house.
From, restricted to toxicity
Dear Restricted,
This is not a relationship. This is the surrogate mother of a large man and a baby. I can’t blame him for this, because, Lord, it was easy.
A house he doesn’t pay for is reward enough, but add to that breakfast at home, a cuddle on cold nights and a companion when he wants to go bowling… no wonder he still lives with you.
This, my dear, is not dating. It is a dysfunctional conjunction that is disguised as a relation by words alone. I wonder what you get from this other than companionship maybe?
The only reason I can think of to keep someone like that is loneliness. You seem to get nothing from this other than another body to house and feed.
And as long as you’re with him, you’re ruining your chances of ever meeting anyone else.
The fact that you think you’re dating this guy, when you’re not, makes it clear that no one else is going to get in his way.
Tied up, it’s time to tell him to leave.
You are not his mother, you are not responsible for where he ends up. What you are responsible for is your life, your home and your happiness. Although you may be lonely once he leaves, it is much better for you to be alone, building a life with friends and potential new relationships, than carrying the resentment you feel.
