A man has sparked intense debate by revealing he left his girlfriend after she gave birth to their disabled baby and then refused to go to his own son’s funeral.
The anonymous man, from the US, took to popular Reddit thread Am I The A**hole to candidly detail his decisions.
He confessed that he had ‘begged’ his girlfriend to terminate the pregnancy but ended up walking away from her and the child when she refused.
Readers were bitterly divided in the comments, but what do you think?
The anonymous man, from the US, took to popular Reddit thread Am I The A**hole to candidly detail his decisions.
In the post, which was shared earlier this week, the man began by talking about his childhood.
‘I grew up in a home with a disabled brother. All my parents’ money and attention went to him. They almost forgot I existed. All of our family activities depended on my brother’s ability to participate,” he shared.
‘I did not qualify for financial aid. He wasn’t a great student and, honestly, going to college would have been a waste of money.
‘Instead, my grandfather helped me get a job on the oil rigs. It’s hard, dirty and lonely work. But it pays very well. I started as an apprentice floor boy. It’s basically the lowest of the low.
‘I didn’t cut off my family but I didn’t do everything I could to keep in touch. I was working in another state and they didn’t have time for me anyway.’
The exasperated father continued: ‘I got a call about ten years later. My little brother had passed away. I went to the funeral and my parents looked like they were about 25 years older.
“It was good to see them, but I left pretty quickly afterwards. It’s hard to explain, but I never really got attached to them as they had ignored me since I was five. I was never abused or anything. I just thought twice about it.
‘When my girlfriend got pregnant I was happy. We had been together for three years and I was happy with her. I hope I have made you happy. We talked about it and decided to do all the tests to find out if we were going to have a healthy baby.
He revealed he left his girlfriend after she gave birth to their disabled baby and then refused to go to his own son’s funeral (file image)
‘Before the first test we agreed that if we weren’t going to have a healthy baby then we weren’t going to have a baby. I know it’s a horrible thing to contemplate, but I had been through that life for thirteen years and was free of it with no interest in going back.’
But things only got worse when the expectant parents received their newborn’s test results.
‘One of the tests came back positive for one of the conditions we had decided we would not want in a child. Please understand that I am in no way saying that people with disabilities should not be born.
‘I just knew I wouldn’t want to be around for that. We had a second, third and even a fourth opinion. I spent a lot of my savings on tests that insurance wouldn’t fully cover. It wasn’t a great moment.
‘Then my girlfriend said she had changed her mind. That she couldn’t finish. I argued with her for days, weeks, until it was too late. I told him I would not choose to be present to help with the child. That she would pay child support, but that was it.
He candidly revealed: ‘Our relationship was on cruise control from then until the baby was born. I made sure she got home safely from the hospital and then I got to work. And I never went back.
‘I pay the child support ordered by the court. I didn’t fight or dodge it. But I haven’t seen her or her son since the hospital. I got married three years later. We are expecting our first child and I heard from my ex.
On the one hand, many argued that it was wrong when someone wrote: ‘YTA, and selfish at that. Everything is your original post. He just shouts “me, me, me.” Please have a vasectomy’
‘The child had died. She wanted her to go to the funeral. I said no. She knew he would come. It was still a punch in the gut. My parents are mad at me for how I handled things.
‘They went to the funeral. I told them I didn’t want the life they had lived while my brother was alive. And that my ex had tried to force me to do it after I agreed not to. They said they were disappointed that they didn’t raise me right.’
The anonymous man then explained how this had led to a heated conflict in the family.
‘I got angry and said I hadn’t been raised for anything. I asked them to show me anything they had from my childhood and to show that they had even the slightest interest in me.
‘They said that wasn’t fair because they had to take care of my brother. I just said that was my point and hung up.
‘I feel like shit about all of this, but my ex knew how I felt and why. To this day I don’t understand why he changed his mind.
‘My wife and I talked before we got married and we made the same decision. And thank God we didn’t have to make it. But she understood how I felt. Her mother and her father talked to us about it and told us that we had to do what was best for us.
“I had told them everything about my past that was relevant to my relationship with their daughter.”
He concluded: “Sorry to ramble, but I guess I’m trying to put all my thoughts on paper while I have the courage to ask.” Am I the idiot?’
The Reddit user provided more context in the comments when he shared: ‘My brother had something completely unrelated to what my first child had. My brother’s condition is passed on through his mother. So I couldn’t transmit it.
‘My parents didn’t know that my brother was going to be born like this. They loved him, but it broke them. They wanted like five children. They got two.
But, on the other hand, there were those who came to the man’s defense. One wrote: ‘NTA. You are not a bad person for wanting to have an abortion in your situation.’
Now one is dead and doesn’t want to have much to do with them. I didn’t want that for my life. We have technology and medicine.
‘I’ve spent I don’t know how much money on genetic testing. I guess I’m lucky that my ex and I managed to hit the jackpot.
“I wouldn’t put myself, or more importantly, my son, in that. At least I wanted to, until she made me do it.
He continued: ‘I’m not in therapy. And yes, I asked him to honor our agreement. I begged him… literally begged him not to do it.
‘I’m angry about the choice my ex made. Not because of time or money. But because she consciously brought a life into this shitty world, so she could watch him suffer for three years and then die.
‘I can’t tell you that. I can’t show up at the funeral and yell at her that she was selfish. If I’m ever in the condition that poor kid was in, I hope one of my cousins will help me leave.
‘Pain for three years, and not having the mental capacity to understand why there is pain. I thought so much about that poor boy that he couldn’t sleep. Almost done [being an] hospitalized for not sleeping.’
The Reddit post was soon flooded with comments.
On the one hand, many argued that he was wrong because someone else was wrong.te: ‘YTA, and also selfish. Everything is your original post. She just screams “me, me, me.” Please have a vasectomy.’
A second person commented: ‘YTA. What if the disability had been discovered after birth? It’s always a risk when you have a child.
He confessed that he had “begged” his girlfriend to terminate the pregnancy, but ended up walking away from her and the child when she refused (file image)
‘And you can never agree 100 percent about what you would do in a situation like this before you live it.
‘The truth is that the mother feels a connection with the child before birth. You may feel like you can’t have an abortion, even though you previously thought you would.
‘You can never know how you will react when you are pregnant. So while I have some empathy for what you went through, YTA definitely.
Another added: ‘Yes, YTA. You need to improve yourself. You have so much right. You don’t have empathy. You can’t just abandon a child because it will be harder than you wanted.
‘You could have gone to the funeral just to be a decent human being, but you didn’t. You are an entitled crybaby and what you wrote here describes you as a huge jerk.
But, on the other hand, there were those who came to the man’s defense.
One wrote: ‘NTA. You are not a bad person for wanting an abortion in your situation. You’re not a monster for leaving either.
‘Not everyone can sacrifice like your parents did, and you know firsthand what that means and what it affects the other children in the house. I always felt the same. Forgive yourself: you have already sacrificed enough.’
Another wrote: ‘This is definitely a NAH situation. Ex had the right to change his mind, you had the right not to. This is just a difficult situation.’
Someone else shared: ‘I’m a home care nurse. I have seen this happen. The family is linked to the disabled child.
‘The other children’s lives are ruined. I understand where you’re coming from.’