I am in a negative emotional spiral due to debt. Things started going wrong a couple of years ago after my relationship broke down and since then, it seems like it has been one thing after another. I lost motivation at work, then I lost my job. I invested in a friend’s business but lost my savings when it crashed. I then had no choice but to use my credit card for daily expenses and ran up more debt than I have been able to pay off. I have also borrowed from friends and family, who now also expect me to pay them back. I have recently managed to borrow more money but at very high interest rates and the chances of me being able to pay off the charges even if I manage to get a job on my old salary are slim. I feel like my downward spiral will never stop and I am so depressed that I don’t even bother showing up for job interviews because I know I will be rejected. How can I get out of this?
Anger, shame, guilt and helplessness are part of a range of feelings that are common to people who feel trapped in what is called “problem debt” (file image)
Financial psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: Feeling trapped in a continuous spiral of debt can be demoralizing and infuriating. Even though you haven’t mentioned shame, it sounds like your feelings about yourself are being affected and it’s a common consequence of debt. Not only do we feel guilty about mistakes or decisions we’ve made, but we also feel ashamed, as if the debt says something about who we are. It’s important to remember that your financial situation doesn’t define you.
Anger, shame, guilt and helplessness are part of a range of feelings common to people who feel trapped in what is called a “problem debt” – debt that is difficult or unlikely to be repaid. It has an impact on both our self-esteem and our mental wellbeing.
Even if you feel stuck, there are people who can help you – and for free. You can contact a debt counselling service such as National Debtline or StepChange, which have qualified counsellors whose expertise is in helping you prioritise your debts to protect you from any unfavourable outcomes and work out a repayment plan. They may be able to advise you on whether you can apply for a so-called “grace period” to get your finances under control (which, for those who qualify, is a two-month period during which interest and charges on the debt are frozen).
There are free online help tools on their websites that can help you look at options before you talk to someone. Even talking to your bank could bring up options you may not have known about.
Psychologically, the most important first step is to recognise, as you have done, that there is an urgent need to address this growing debt burden.
Next, it’s about finding the strength to make that first phone call. This can be difficult too, because we sometimes imagine that the person on the other end of the line will be as harsh and critical as we are.
Sometimes that “inner critic” who speaks with harsh, dismissive language may be based on past experiences. Maybe you had a parent who was overly critical or a teacher who was very harsh. This is particularly true for people whose experience was that mistakes were met with criticism, or even aggression, rather than forgiveness. If that’s the case, it’s hard to shake the expectation that others will react negatively to us, exposing our debt problem.
However, you’re likely to find that the future doesn’t have to be like the past. More often than not, when people turn to these helplines, they leave feeling relieved, having been given options they didn’t know they had, rather than feeling attacked and scorned.
Practicing self-compassion is an important part of your journey. When we have mental health issues, managing money can be particularly difficult. We may make emotional financial decisions instead of rational ones, and we may hide out of shame instead of seeking help.
Instead of beating yourself up for what you could or should have done differently, try to forgive yourself. Acknowledge that you tried to cope with one loss after another (the breakup, losing your job). Then focus on what you can do from now on: You can ask for help, and you can seek out the right kind of help.
One of the worst aspects of struggling with debt, from what I hear in my office, is loneliness. There’s something very isolating about carrying around the feelings of shame that debt evokes. It seems like you’ve reached out to family and friends, but maybe the fact that you now owe them money makes it harder to talk to them about your feelings. Don’t let that be a reason to isolate yourself even further. Lean on others. There are even online forums (like The Debt-Free Wannabe forum) where people talk about their experience and find support in others’ stories. If you decide to try that, it’s important to notice how it makes you feel. Does it bring you comfort? If so, it can be a resource to turn to when your “inner critic” starts to cloud your thinking.
Do you have any questions for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
