During the recent semester I found myself spinning around on a carnival ride while clinging to two five-year-old boys for dear life. When we all got down, I felt so dizzy I almost fell.
At 65, you’d be right to think I’m too old for such antics, but such is the life of a committed grandparent.
Over the last decade, I have cared for several of my seven grandchildren so that their mothers could work, committing to work two ten-hour days a week during school holidays (i.e. three months a year) and whenever necessary.
I have five children – my daughters are 39, 34 and 31 years old, and my sons are 36 and 26 – and my daughters have seven children between them, between 14 and eight months old. That means a lot of changing diapers, wiping a runny nose, visiting the park, and guiding homework.
I’m certainly not the kind of grandma who just puts them in front of the TV and puts my feet up. As a retired elementary school teacher, I believe that good childcare is vital and I take it very seriously. I potty-trained one grandson, helped another learn to walk, read countless stories, and always had time to play too.
Caroline Duddridge, 65, charges her daughters for her babysitting services: £15 for half a day, £30 for a full day. He has earned £25,000 over the last decade.
At my age it’s exhausting, but there are also the financial expenses: gas, the candy I buy them, tickets to petting zoos and game centers. Everything adds up.
That’s why I charge my daughters for my babysitting services: £15 for half a day, £30 for a full day. In fact, over the last decade I have earned £25,000.
It may seem like a lot, but I’m not trying to profit from my children; many times it barely covers my expenses. And it is well below the market rate that professional nannies charge.
Not that this makes my politics any less controversial. There is no doubt that asking for support from your adult children is still taboo.
Although the few friends I have told applaud me for having the courage to stand up for myself, I know there are many others who frown at the fact that I don’t want to spend all that time with my grandchildren for free.
In fact, my oldest daughter has called me “selfish” and “cheeky,” and I know she gossips to her friends about it.
But I don’t know any other grandmother as generous with her time as I am. And I’m certainly not the only grandparent who resents the fact that society seems to expect us to provide free child care on tap. One of my friends has faked a chronic medical condition that means she is “unable” to care for her grandchildren alone.
Before my husband died of pancreatic cancer in December 2015, we talked about going on retirement cruises and enjoying the winter sun at Mediterranean resorts.
I’m now with Dean, my partner of six years, and he resents that we can’t do these kinds of things together because of my babysitting duties. He also has seven grandchildren and is very clear about his limits. We take care of them solely at their convenience.
Caroline has seven grandchildren and is pictured here with one of her granddaughters.
As for me, it’s not like I had any help from my own mother. Their attitude was “they’re your kids, keep going.” In case of emergency, she would be there, but it was very rare.
I married at 21 and had my first child at 25, and stayed home to raise our children while my husband worked as a civil servant. I didn’t work full-time as a primary school teacher until my youngest son was in school, after I had done my teacher training during his school hours.
But my daughters were clear that they wanted to be working mothers, not that they could afford not to be one these days. One is a teacher, another is a mature student who combines her studies with her full-time job as a caregiver. Only the oldest has a long-term relationship.
My second oldest daughter was the first to have children, when I was 50 years old. We agreed that I would take care of his son every weekend, and charging for this would have been unthinkable then. But three years passed and I had three more grandchildren, and my three daughters each had a son year after year.
The assumption was that I would babysit for all of them, depending on their different needs. This despite the fact that at the time he worked four days a week. My daughters assumed I could babysit their kids on my day off.
On one fine day I had two of them; on a bad day three. It was difficult taking care of three small children with only a double stroller. I would return them to their mothers at the end of the day completely exhausted.
Therefore, in 2014, when the oldest granddaughter was four years old and the other three were two and one, I sat down with my daughters and told them that I wanted to formalize the care of the girls. In the end, only my two oldest daughters needed my help and they were not exactly happy with my fees.
My oldest son was amazed and argued that grandmothers should take advantage of the opportunity to spend time with their precious grandchildren.
But I stood my ground. I justified my position (as if it were necessary!) by explaining that my services were cheaper than a daycare or nanny. An average nanny costs £132.85 a week for 25 hours, which works out to around £5 an hour, while I was charging £3 an hour. Neither of them were exactly thrilled, but they didn’t really have a choice.
Caroline has five children – her daughters are 39, 34 and 31, and her sons are 36 and 26 – and her daughters have seven children between them, aged between 14 and eight months.
As their mother, my heart went out to them. But this was a professional transaction, one that I would honor week after week, regardless of my own plans, and that would require me to give up my proper salary to make it work.
I retired early at 57 years old. At first I tried to support myself by working two days a week as a substitute teacher, but it wasn’t practical.
That is why it is so important to have this extra money. I usually use whatever is left over after accounting for daily childcare costs to buy something nice; I love perfume, so I’ll treat myself to a more expensive one.
But I don’t feel guilty about doing this from time to time, since I also put money in my savings accounts for when my grandchildren are older. I feel like it’s an important use of babysitting money that will be appreciated later.
So how do my two days of grandma childcare turn out?
On Mondays, I get up at 7am, get in the car at 7.45am and it’s a 40-minute drive to my eldest daughter’s house, where I look after her three daughters, who are now 11, five and eight months old.
I’m on the go until I leave, dealing with diapers and subsequent clothing changes. When I get home at 6:30 pm, I’m so tired that my partner Dean can’t see me.
On Fridays I am at my other daughter’s house, who also has three children, ages 14, 11 and five. I won’t let them spend hours mindlessly scrolling on their tablets.
We play in the morning, walk into town for lunch, and then go to the park to run. In the afternoon we will watch a movie. If there is homework, I am available to help.
And that’s without forgetting the ridiculous rules of modern parents. You can’t say “be careful”, you have to say “take it with care.” Another no-no is “I’m so proud of you,” because that’s all about you; you have to say “you must be very proud of yourself.”
One daughter gave me a two-page list of dos and don’ts, such as how often to check their diapers and what not to give them from the treat drawer. I threw it in the trash. I have raised five children. Paid or not, I know what I’m doing.
Deep down, I suspect my daughters are proud of me for not being a pushover. Perhaps you will be inspired to do the same when the time comes. After all, it is about boundaries, which is a very important lesson for women to learn.
And I like to think that my late husband would have supported my decision; I used to get tired of the eldest constantly asking me for help.
However, I make the distinction between babysitting and babysitting. I happily offer my services with no payment required for date nights and social events. That’s the role of grandmother and I’m happy to take it on if it suits me and my diary.
After all, who doesn’t love having a grandchild hug them? But I spent 30 years raising my own family and I don’t feel like I’ve gone any part of my life without having kids to think about. That’s why I’ve told all my children: please, no more babies!
As told to Samantha Brick
