Dear Jana,
I’ve never been the jealous type and I’ve always tried to give my partners their privacy when it comes to phones and stuff, but last week I went to my husband’s work drinks and got some weird vibes from one of his coworkers. .
She was too touchy-feely with him and spoke to him as if they were really tight, but she rarely mentioned it to me. So I did something I swore I would never do: I checked his phone.
Of course I found a suspicious text from her. It wasn’t an outright cheat, but it was flirty enough to set off alarm bells. When I confronted him, he said it was “just joking” and nothing to worry about.
The problem is that now I can’t shake the feeling that there might be more going on. He’s been strangely protective of his phone lately, and has started working late more often.
I don’t want to become the crazy paranoid wife, but my gut tells me something isn’t right.
All my friends say he’s having an affair, but I’m torn. How do I find out if he’s really cheating without alienating him or making it seem like I don’t trust him?
Anonymous.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking offers some words of wisdom to a woman who was alarmed to learn that her husband had a work wife he had conveniently forgotten to mention (stock photo)
Dear anonymous,
I’m going to say something that might ruffle some feathers, but it’s true: everyone needs a flirt buddy at work. The hours are long, and the work can be tedious…so why shouldn’t we enjoy the occasional harmless ego stroke in the break room?
(As long as it’s just ego stroked!)
Do I think he is cheating? I don’t think so she Could you see it as more than casual flirting? Yes. Him? Probably not. Are you following me here?
Stay with me, because I have a theory. It’s as simple as this: sometimes we need a little reminder that we still find someone outside of our relationship attractive. Yes, it’s superficial. Yes, it’s a little disrespectful to our partners. But it’s human nature. We are mere mortals who, from time to time need to know that we still have it.”
A harmless flirtation at work can give us that extra pep in our step. Yes, your husband may have crossed a line with texting, but you know what shuts him down quickly? A good old-fashioned shouting match where you let him know you won’t stick around in case he gets out of line.
And honestly, he’ll probably be excited to see you a little jealous, especially if it’s not your usual environment. Maybe this is just the spark your marriage needed? Use jealousy to up your game in the bedroom and bring a little passion. I’ve always found it exciting to think that someone else might find my guy attractive.
Yes, make it clear that you won’t stand up for being disrespected, but why not use this as an opportunity to rekindle things? A little spark never hurt anyone.

Jana says a work wife is generally not something to worry about, but says flirtatious texts outside the workplace are a step too far
Dear Jana,
I have been married to my husband for 10 years, and although he is a good man and we get along well, it seems like we have become more like roommates than a couple.
We talk about bills, kids, and what’s for dinner, but that sexual spark and tension feels like a distant memory. We used to go to him like rabbits, in the car, on the kitchen floor, everywhere. Now, I’ll be lucky if he jumps on top and growls for three minutes about once a month.
I miss the days when we couldn’t wait to spend time together, when we would dress up for dates and surprise each other just because. Now, it’s like we’re stuck in a cycle of routine and burnout. I want us to feel like a couple again, not just two people sharing a house.
How do we go back to those early days when it seemed like we were dating? Is it possible to rekindle the spark after all these years, or is this what marriage becomes after a decade?
Waiting for some inspiration. Jaz.
Oh, Jaz.
I’m not going to lie, this is the only good thing about being perennially single: I get to enjoy the ‘Like Rabbits’ scene a lot more often than the ‘meh, will ya?’ scenery.
Now, to your problem… I believe the solution lies with you! Have you sent him a cheeky photo of your boobs in the middle of his workday? Or whispered something so naughty in your ear that you’re counting the seconds until you’re home? How about giving ‘bording’ a Go – You know, that thing where you’re about to ‘sit on it’, but then you make fun of it and make it wait? Trust me, it’s worth it!

Jana says the trick to reigniting a man’s sex drive after he’s settled into a routine is to send spicy text messages or reminisce about steamy encounters from your past together.
The man only lasts three minutes because he is stuck in a routine. Shake things up! Blindfold him, leave a small trail of clues around the house, or pull him into the shower unexpectedly. Honestly, a little spontaneity can work wonders. Plus, I promise you’ll enjoy the reward as much as he does.
Also, why not take a walk down memory lane? Simply mention a time when you had a naughty weekend, or a night that rocked your worlds, and say something like, “Should we try that again” or “Maybe we should put some time in the diary to recreate that?” One cheeky thought like that in his brain and he’ll be thinking it all day.
Oh, and don’t forget the art of a good tease. A lingering touch here, a saucy text there, will make him wild again. Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder of the fun and playful side of your relationship. Take the reins and let the games begin!
Dear Jana,
I’ve been dating this great guy for about six months, and for the most part, things are going great. I am so attracted to him and he checks all the boxes for what I want in a partner.
At first, we waited a while before sleeping together, which I thought was sweet and respectful; He said he wanted to make sure we had a real connection first.
But now, I’m starting to wonder if there is more. Even after we became close, it seems like he’s just…not that. We barely have sex, and when we do, it feels more like something on a checklist than something we’re excited about. I’ve tried dropping hints and making the first move, but he doesn’t seem interested.
I’m starting to worry that I may be asexual or have a very low sex drive, and I’m not sure what to do. I really care about him, but physical intimacy is important to me, and I don’t know how to bring this up without hurting him or making him feel like he’s not enough. How do I approach this conversation? And if he is asexual, is there a way to make this relationship work?
Confused and confused
Dear confused and confused (great pseudonym, by the way).
Shirts for you, my love. That sounds horrible. Six months later and I’m already wondering if he’s signed up for a lifetime subscription to ‘Netflix and…not much else’? No. Let’s unpack this.
The fact that he waited to jump into bed because he wanted to build a connection is cute — we love a respectful king. But I can understand your frustration with a result that is… less than ideal.

A young woman is worried that her new boyfriend may be asexual and fears what this means for her future (stock image posed by models)
Here’s the thing: There could be a million reasons for your lack of enthusiasm in the bedroom. Maybe you’re stressed, have a low sex drive, or, yes, you could be on the asexual spectrum. Or, and this is the one people don’t like to hear, maybe they don’t like physical intimacy like you do. None of these make him a bad guy, but they are things you need to know.
So how to approach it without turning it into the most awkward conversation in the world. Therapists often recommend bringing up difficult topics during a road trip, why? Because you don’t have to make eye contact, which magically makes things less tense. Then, as they’re cruising down the highway, he casually says something like, ‘I’ve noticed that we’re not really connecting in the bedroom as much as I’d like.’ Is there something on your mind, or is this how you feel about intimacy? It’s easy-going, friendly, and gives you room to open up without feeling like you’re in the spotlight.
If he is asexual or has a very low sex drive, you will need to find out if you can meet in the middle. Maybe intimacy for him looks different than what you’re used to. Or maybe this is one of those ‘fundamental differences’ moments where you realize you’re just not compatible.
At the end of the day, physical intimacy is a big deal for you, and that’s okay (trust me, I get it!) Relationships thrive when both people feel satisfied, and if you’re not getting what you need, it’s better to do it. address it now rather than later.
Whatever you do, don’t settle for ‘meh’. You deserve a spicy and exciting relationship with all the sparks. Life is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo her air, and (fingers crossed) the heat rises.
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