A social media user sparked controversy online after asking if there was an appropriate age at which you could ask a woman if she had children.
The unidentified woman, who is believed to be based in the UK, has taken to the parenting forum mumsent To gain opinions on the topic.
In a post titled “At what age do women ask…”, she wrote: “If she had children?
There is a 20-year-old girl at work who was asked if she had children that day. I felt this was a bit small to ask. I will never ask anyone under 23 personally.
The question elicited numerous responses, many of which suggested that it was never appropriate to ask women if they had children.
A woman has sparked an online debate about whether it is appropriate to ask others if they have children (Stock Image)
One participant wrote: ‘I’m not sure it’s ever been a question I’ve asked anyone. I only found out if people volunteered this information.
“What if they’re infertile, or they’ve lost a baby, or they’ve had a major fall out and they don’t want to talk about it? You usually find out pretty quickly if someone at work has kids as they mention.
Another said, “I would never ask a woman if she had children, I would wait for her to provide information.” I don’t understand why you want to ask.
Explaining their position in more detail, Messintier added: “You don’t. She may not want children. She may have fertility problems. She may feel she can’t afford children or she hasn’t met the right partner.”
She may have lost her children. She may have children but wants to be defined as more than just her role as a mother.
If someone has children and wants to talk about their children, they will be brought up. How is this still a discussion?
This sentiment was echoed by other posters, including one who wrote: “You shouldn’t ask anyone, no matter how old they are, if they have children. You should not ask anyone if they are planning to have children. It’s none of your business, and if they want you to know, they’ll tell you.
“Farmer Field Schools, some people are too intrusive.”
In the post, the anonymous woman said she feels it is inappropriate to ask anyone under the age of 23 if they have children.
Another agreed, sharing his own experiences, saying, “Never ask, plain and simple.” This question can be painful and embarrassing for infertile women. Before I had my daughter, I hated to ask. Just don’t.
Another wrote: “If you’ve just had a horrific late miscarriage – in fact any miscarriage – you might understand why I get asked ‘Do you have children?'” Annoying. Or if you lost your baby to illness. Or if you rearranged your house for IVF and it didn’t work. Or if you were holding a stillborn in your arms. But hold on to your sweet point that anyone who is offended by this question is a little coward Pathetic for a woman.
What appears to be a minority of respondents showed that they took a different stance on the issue, and some suggested that people should discuss the topic freely.
A Mumsnet user asked: ‘Isn’t this part of getting to know the general chat? Do you have a long trip? Do you have kids? Tea or coffee?’
Another said: ‘Obviously there is no need to ask anyone about this. Or anything else about their life outside of work at all. But how do people get to know each other without asking questions?
Ridiculous how offended people are. On the flip side, no one showing interest is also offensive.
Another user on the forum wrote: “People need thicker skin if they ask ‘Do you have kids’, motivates them.
Several Mumsnet users said that there is no appropriate age to ask women if they have children, and you should not ask this question.
One forum user got to the point that the question might be upsetting to women who have lost babies or had miscarriages, saying, ‘Every single question can be a trigger.
Someone else’s problem should not be allowed to become a problem. Are you married, do you drive, where do you live, what are you planning for Easter, do you want something from the cake shop? All these questions will be very annoying to someone. But this is something for them to deal with. It never means that someone else should dance on the eggshells around them.
‘This is asked all the time and is nowhere near as offensive as this thread indicates,’ said another. I didn’t have a child until the age of 38, and I had been asked several times by then. He did not offend me. I’ll just say, no. I do not have a child. I’m not going to conjure up some ridiculous “killer” comeback.
Then I had two! I feel like I’ve been on both sides of the coin, and unless I’m a saint (and I don’t think I am) to many childless people this isn’t a sore question. I was offended when people said about my pregnancy that “You left it too late, didn’t you!”
Sometimes the themes here do not reflect real life. This is one of them.’
Fewer posters suggested asking about children should be acceptable conversation – some said they were never offended by being asked
Meanwhile, many people pointed out that parents often give information naturally during conversations, if they want to talk about it, so the question is unnecessary.
As one explained: “The thing is, if people willingly want to share it, it shows up in conversation anyway. A few anecdotes, I’m so witty that S was throwing up all night, discussions about elementary/high schools, childcare cases emergency, etc.
You don’t need to get the information on your schedule, things just pop up. If they don’t, then you clearly don’t have that kind of relationship, so you should definitely not ask.
Another said, “I don’t like being asked, so I’ll never ask.” If someone has kids, they tend to talk public sooner or later anyway.
Allowing conversations about whether or not people are parents to develop in their own time is the best way to talk about it, according to countless forum users.
A third added, “If people have kids, it comes up within the first 5 minutes anyway. You wait until someone mentions their kids.”
Another Mumsnetter agreed, writing: “I wouldn’t ever ask. It will appear in a conversation soon enough if the other person wants to talk about it.
Meanwhile, others have pointed out that such information is best when left to appear in a more organic form.
One wrote: ‘I wouldn’t ever ask – it’s usually something you learn through conversation without asking. Lots of reasons why people don’t have kids, not just age and if they’re in the category of wanting kids but not being able to, it’s probably not cool to be asked.
Another said: “You get to know people over time and hear what they want to reveal when they’re ready.”
