I think I have a weird spending habit: I feel a real need to buy things when my hormones are all over the place every month.
I’m aware that I do this and it’s almost as if the process of buying, rather than what I actually buy, is what makes me feel better.
Do you have any tricks to stop me?
Vicky Reynal explains that shopping is sometimes used as a coping strategy to regulate moods
Financial psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: Many people, like you, feel that the impulse to buy things comes from a part of themselves that is beyond their control. For you it’s hormones, for others it might be feelings (I can’t stop shopping when I’m sad/bored/lonely). You don’t spend out of necessity or desire, you spend to solve a problem.
I have heard from women who track their cycle that it is in the post-ovulation and pre-menstrual phase that they feel most “moody” or “emotional” and are more likely to spend money. For others, it is during the menstrual phase when they feel physically worse and spending money helps them feel “self-soothing” to deal with physical discomfort.
For you, it is the state of greatest emotional and physical vulnerability created by hormonal changes, which you face through shopping, when your emotions are more on edge and are more difficult, as you say, ‘to manage’.
You say that spending money right now makes you “feel better,” but I’m guessing the part of you that wants to stop is aware that the feeling doesn’t last and that new negative feelings, such as guilt, regret, and anxiety, can arise after the spending splurge. You’ll also be aware that this habit is bad for your bank balance and has real consequences beyond the emotional ones.
That’s why it’s important to keep this in mind and be in touch with the full “cost” of this coping strategy every time you’re about to pull out your wallet to pay for something.
You may have already noticed that this is not about… that You do buy, but it’s the process of buying that matters: you’re dealing with feelings through an action. It’s a coping strategy, and an expensive one at that, that you’re using to regulate your mood and avoid negative feelings.
It’s common to be afraid of feeling overwhelmed by our feelings, but of course we can survive them, we can sit with them, talk about them with someone we trust, and we can have a good cry and feel better.
Most people are not taught this, and in fact the model that some people grow up with is that of parents who perhaps drank, smoked and gambled. In other words, acted out, rather than accepting their feelings or expressing them in a normal way.
She suggests treating yourself in other ways that don’t cost too much money, such as a hot shower, a good movie or a long walk.
Psychotherapist Carl Jung said, “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.”
Maybe you can allow yourself to have a “feel your feelings” experience and watch them pass, dissipate, with a little patience and a little time. Knowing that it’s part of your cycle might help you get through it – you know that the hormones may have put you in a more negative frame of mind, but you also know that in a day or two you’ll see things differently because it happens every month and that gives you some perspective.
If you’re shopping simply to treat yourself at a time when you’re feeling physically awful, think of ways you could give yourself a similar experience without spending a fortune. A hot shower, a good movie, a long walk… whatever works for you.
Some tricks, like avoiding temptations (like online retail sites), waiting 24 hours before buying something you’ve added to your shopping cart, or going out with only cash to limit your spending, can help, but the best advice I think I can give you is to try to approach the next cycle differently. You can use your self-awareness to be more aware of that temptation to spend on certain days. And maybe this time you can notice what feelings arise. Get curious about them, sit with them, and trust that they will pass if you give them some space, rather than distracting your mind with impulse purchases.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email Vicky.Reynal@dailymail.co.uk
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