Sharing a romantic kiss with my wife to seal our wedding vows, I never imagined another man would turn his head, or so soon.
Call me naive, but in that perfect moment three years ago I truly believed that I would always be the center of her universe and she would be mine.
But just a year later, Theo arrived, with his deep brown eyes and cheeky smile, to steal Sophia’s heart. Luckily, far from being 6 feet tall and having a killer body, the new man in Sophia’s life is still in diapers and hasn’t discovered Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny yet.
Theo is our precious two-year-old son and I also love him more than anyone on the planet. I just hadn’t thought about how devastating it would feel when Sophia’s affections transferred from me to him after he arrived that day in August 2022 and I was no longer the most important person in his life.
Women reading this may think that men like me need to grow up and accept that, of course, a small baby is the priority for a new mom, who already has enough on her plate without also having to deal with her husband’s fragile ego. .
But new research suggests I’m not just being self-centered. A study published this month in the British Medical Journal argues that, because of the transformative impact of having a child, fathers should receive as much emotional support as mothers, both before and after birth.
The Newcastle University study drew on research from around the world and found that the majority of new parents had experiences that negatively affected their mental health and wellbeing.
I certainly could have used more help before Theo arrived to prepare me for the seismic change my life was about to undergo.
Chris writes that he was devastated when his wife Sophia’s affections turned to their son Theo and he was no longer the most important person in her life.
Before she was born, Sophia and I (we started dating in sixth grade) were known for being inseparable. For almost 15 years she put me first. Long, uninterrupted conversations were the norm, as were dinners and watching movies on the couch. If I needed to exchange ideas or seek advice from Sophia, she would drop everything to give me her attention.
However, having a large family was an aspiration we shared from the beginning, imagining a future in which we would take our five children in the car for day trips and vacations.
We were delighted when Sophia fell pregnant on our first attempt and, determined to be completely practical, I perused a book aimed at expectant parents. It detailed the month-by-month pregnancy, the physical and emotional changes my wife would likely be experiencing, and the development of our unborn baby.
Far less covered was the impact I could expect parenthood to have on me.
And even though he mentioned that I should prepare myself not to be number one when the baby arrived, I just didn’t believe it. Incredulous, I read the chapter aloud to Sophia, who laughed nervously.
When Theo was born, during the four days he and Sophia were in the hospital while she recovered from a C-section, I still felt like the most important person in her life, as she trusted me to care for her.
Fast forward to my return to work as an engineer after a couple of weeks of paternity leave and I was plummeting to the bottom of the pile. I quickly realized that Sophia and Theo had an incredibly special relationship and got along great without me.
I can relate to the findings of the Newcastle study that fathers often feel excluded from the mother-child bond.
A study from Newcastle University found that the majority of new dads had experiences that negatively affected their mental health and wellbeing.
Even though she was still recovering from the C-section and breastfeeding on demand, she would even make dinner when I got home. It meant that not only was I the second to receive his affection, but I felt surplus to requirements.
When I first mentioned my concerns to Sophia, she reassured me with platitudes like “of course Theo and I need you.” But within a few days my insecurities would return, probably because I thought about the real problem: that our sex life had stopped.
I’m not at all surprised that the researchers identified how the loss of intimacy after the baby’s arrival “strained the relationship.” Because even in the bedroom I had been usurped by my son. Sleeping together meant he took my place in our bed while I was on the floor or in the guest room.
I came home after a bad day at work, expecting a hug and a chat with Sophia, only to find her engrossed in breastfeeding Theo on the couch. The same thing happened to me at bedtime, when I longed for a hug (and, yes, sex) with my wife. Although he wasn’t jealous of Sophia and Theo’s connection, he looked forward to spending time alone with her the way it used to be.
Being the first in our group of friends to have children meant I had no one to rely on. While my colleagues gathered for drinks after work and went on vacation, I felt isolated both socially and at home.
I tried to be indifferent and it still bothered me a lot. No wonder the study says many new parents find themselves “emotionally tested to the limit.”
I would approach conversations with Sophia about feelings that were easier to deal with, telling her that I was sad that we couldn’t spontaneously go out to dinner together, when deep down what I really wanted to talk about was sex.
I had naively assumed that once she recovered from childbirth, our old sex life, when we were intimate once or twice a week, would simply continue.
In addition to feeling sexually undesirable, I noticed that there was less physical contact overall. She never gave me so much as an affectionate hug or a playful punch on the arm.
My distress came to a head when Theo was four months old and we let him spend the night with his grandparents while we went to the wedding of one of Sophia’s closest friends.
Although he had hoped for a romantic and sex-filled night, he had underestimated how busy she would be with her bridesmaid duties. Feeling lonelier than ever, I got terribly drunk at the bar.
The next morning she confronted me and I confessed everything. Although we were both upset, it was this conversation that began to heal our relationship. Sophia admitted that she also missed sex and cuddling, but had naturally diverted all her affection toward our son.
What a weight it lifted off my shoulders to hear that she still wanted to be intimate with me. Although we didn’t have sex that day, we made more efforts to be tactile with each other and two weeks later we finally resumed our sexual relationship. At least during that time, I felt like Sophia’s number one again.
When Theo was a year old, I reduced my work hours so I could care for him two days a week, while Sophia returned to work part-time as a healthcare manager, a game-changing move. Theo elevates me to number one in his world on the days I take care of him and I also feel more important to Sophia.
Even now, two years after Theo was born, our sex life hasn’t fully returned and maybe never will. But I have made peace with the fact that I am no longer Sophia’s priority and she is no longer mine, although we have mutually reduced our ambition of having a large brood to perhaps just one or two more.
While my ego can now handle being below my son in my wife’s pecking order, I’m not sure I can handle falling much further.
- Chris Beaumont is a pseudonym. The names have been changed. As told to Sadie Nicholas.