A woman has candidly revealed that she and her husband have a “platonic marriage” and claims it works better for them than a traditional couple.
Kate, 40, realized how “codependent” she and her husband Matt had become during their 15-year marriage, and decided to make some changes.
The health care worker, from Portland, Oregon, sought advice from a therapist and together the couple decided to open up their relationship and look for other partners, all while still being together.
Now, six years later, the couple say their new setup works better for them, even though they no longer have sex and sleep in separate beds.
A woman has candidly revealed that she and her husband have a “platonic marriage” and claims it works better for them than a traditional couple.
Kate, 40, realized how “codependent” she and her husband, Matt, had become during their 15 years of marriage, and decided to make some changes.
Kate shared: ‘Before considering non-monogamy, we had considered divorce.
‘Our relationship changed over the course of 10 years together and we had some friends who were polyamorous.
‘It wasn’t something we had considered until our physical relationship ended and we became platonic.
‘[Now] My husband and I have separate bedrooms and are platonic partners.
‘Our other partners usually have a bedroom. [at their homes]but we schedule sleepovers and it usually works [and] Nobody sleeps on the couch.
Kate and Matt entered the new environment with open minds, but initially struggled with feelings of jealousy as they became intimate with others and developed feelings for another person.
She shared: ‘We struggle and work very hard to find and maintain boundaries and navigate everything.
‘Sometimes [I get jealous]but this is a secondary emotion.
The couple decided to open up their relationship and look for other partners while they stayed together.
Now, six years later, the couple say their new setup works better for them, even though they no longer have sex and sleep in separate beds.
‘In my experience, I have learned that jealousy usually has its origins in a certain insecurity.
“I think the last time I was jealous was when my partner rescheduled a date night with me to spend time with a new partner.”
Kate added: ‘Effective communication is usually my solution to most problems.
‘Compared to the current situation, it is difficult to even imagine having those same problems.
“We couldn’t even talk about physically intimate things, but now we have moments like, ‘I’m running to the adult toy store, are you good with lube?'”
“Our friendship has healed a lot throughout our journey.”
At home, the couple has separate bedrooms, which Kate says “helped us find our autonomy and express who we are as individuals while deconstructing our codependency on each other.”
He added: “Sex was never and is never the top priority in relationships, despite how social norms try to dictate it.”
The couple, who have known each other since childhood, now enjoy different partners they meet online or in their local area.
Kate (pictured with her other partner) shared: “Before considering non-monogamy, we had considered divorce.”
Kate (pictured with Matt) shared, “My goal is to simply normalize non-monogamy, even if it’s just through my own lived experience.”
Matt has a girlfriend he’s been with for five years.
Kate, however, has three engaged partners, some “play” partners and other flirtatious friends and lovers.
One of her partners is also married, while another of her partners is solo polyamorous and has no one else in her love life.
A third couple, who is also married, is also in a relationship with his wife and girlfriend.
While they don’t have a set of rules, there are some limits to keep things fair for all parties involved.
Kate said: ‘Some boundaries I have in relationships are mainly around sexual health and safety.
‘I get tested for STIs every three months. I also take PreP and ask my partners to also get tested regularly and reveal any risk factors, such as fluid bonding with a new partner or any changes in their partner’s status.
‘There will always be risks when being sexually active, but open and honest dialogue is vital.
“We don’t use rules because they can be very hierarchical and most of us prefer not to practice hierarchy in any of our relationships.”
Fortunately, they have had the full support of their friends and family and although they have faced some criticism online, they are happy.
Kate added: ‘Our friends were some of our strongest supporters in our transition.
‘We had several polyamorous friends who helped us a lot in the beginning and also gave us a road map of the obstacles they experienced.
Matt has a girlfriend he’s been with for five years (pictured together)
‘My family has also supported me a lot. METERMy mom and dad even took my partner and I to Las Vegas for my birthday.
‘My parents are old hippies, so it’s not easy to shock them.
‘Naturally they had questions, but in the end they discovered that monogamy worked for them, but not for everyone.
‘I feel very privileged that my family accepts me so much. I know very well that is not the case for many non-monogamy people.
‘Being online and open about polyamory has been a wild ride.
“Thankfully, I found more friends and built a bigger community, and I’m in love with some of those friends.”
Kate shared: ‘As a community, most of us who practice non-monogamy get tired of hearing the same repetitive questions and criticisms, like jealousy and STDs.
‘My goal is simply to normalize non-monogamy, even if it’s just through my own lived experience.
‘Non-monogamy is neither new nor fashionable. It has been here long before us and will continue to be here long after we are gone.
‘And I would say to anyone who is curious about polyamory, [they] We should start by looking at our vast and wonderful community. Get to know us, there is a lot to learn.’