Making him feel guilty for turning down sex and expecting him to do all the work: These are just two things a top sex therapist says she would never do in a relationship.
California-based Vanessa Marin provides unfiltered sex and relationship advice to her nearly 1 million followers on social media. In addition to videos on dirty talk, sexting, and relationship dynamics, Ms. Marin often talks about how to spice things up in the bedroom and increase intimacy.
In one video, Marin described the “Things I Won’t Do to My Partner as a Sex Therapist.”
She writes in caption: ‘After two decades in the sex therapy field and working with thousands of couples, there are certain things I won’t do in our relationship.’
First of all, she would never force her husband to take the initiative when it comes to sex “simply because he’s the man.”
“No way,” he adds.
According to multiple surveys, data shows that men generally initiate sex more often than women in relationships, but Marin says it’s good to mix things up.
She then says that she would never make her husband feel bad if he is not in the mood for sex.
Vanessa Marin, who lives in California, says, first of all, she would never force her husband Xander to be the one to initiate everything when it comes to sex “just because he’s the man.”
Azizeh Rezaiyan, a marriage therapist in the Silicon Valley area, says it’s important to respect your partner and give them space, otherwise they’ll start associating sex with negative emotions.
She says, “It’s important to find that respect from your partner, and if they extend it to you, without making you feel guilty about it, don’t doubt them.”
‘It’s easy to read into things, assuming your partner is cheating on you or isn’t attracted to you, but it’s not a rabbit hole worth going down.
“Recognize that intimacy goes beyond sex, and you and your partner may already have a healthy relationship in that regard.”
Moving on to her third no-no, Marin says she would never stay quiet about what she wants in bed for fear of hurting her husband’s feelings.
Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed counselor, agrees with this.
She says being able to communicate openly about your sexual needs will help your relationship grow.
She explains: ‘What is not a mystery is what the results can be if a couple overcomes their hesitancy to talk openly about their sexual relationship.
“If you are able to ask for what you want and make clear what you would like your partner to avoid, the chances of enjoying higher levels of sexual and relational satisfaction multiply exponentially.”
Communication expert Jennifer Gill Rosier and psychologist James Tyler say talking about sex can have a wide range of results.
If the conversation goes well, it could improve the couple’s feelings of intimacy and “improve the communication climate.”
However, if the conversation goes badly, one of both partners could end up taking offense and creating a conflict.
In one of their studies, they enrolled 40 couples in an online sex coaching training program.
The results showed that practicing sexual communication techniques led to greater sexual and relationship satisfaction and participants said they were less afraid to talk about intimate topics.
Ms. Degges-White suggests talking about sex outside of intimate times and finding a neutral space to discuss things.
According to most surveys, data shows that men generally initiate sex more often than women in relationships, but Marin says it’s good to mix things up.
And he adds: ‘Notify your partner in advance.
‘Tell your partner that you would like to take some time to talk about your sexual relationship and make sure you are both okay with the time you choose.
“There are a lot of doubts that can arise when a couple wants to have a conversation about any relationship topic, but when it comes to sexual performance, it can make the person feel especially vulnerable.
‘Share that it’s about making things “even better” and don’t emphasize that it’s about “what’s missing.”
“Don’t complain about being “dissatisfied,” but share your desire to enjoy “even more satisfying” sex than you’ve been having.”
Finally, Mrs. Marin says that if her husband has performance problems, she would never solve it by “crying” or “pouting.”
Nor would she accuse her husband of not being attracted to her.
Experts say that accusing your partner of not being attracted to you and making them feel guilty will only distance them further.
Sara Makin, a licensed professional therapist in Pittsburgh, told Psych Central that repeated false accusations can come across as controlling behavior, which can create a feeling of resentment.
He explained: “The accused person has to plead their case to their partner’s satisfaction, or ignore the matter, which will only distance them further.”
Over time, your partner may begin to emotionally distance himself from you and the relationship, Malkin warns, “in an attempt to avoid feeling inadequate and like the bad guy.”
The therapist adds in her caption, “If you feel like I mentioned something you or your partner currently struggle with, remember to be kind; these things are challenging.”
‘For (my husband) and I, it has taken us many years to discover what a supportive, compassionate and responsible relationship looks like for us.
‘Remember, you are a team and you can work together to create a relationship that feels even more supportive and compassionate.
‘Be sure to discuss new boundaries and expectations with your partner patiently, respectfully and intentionally, and go slowly! “Do not expect transformative changes overnight.”