Dear Jane,
I am 62 years old and have been happily married for 41 years. My marriage was filled with many wonderful experiences and I consider myself fortunate to still be as in love with my husband today as I was when we met.
Even the intimate side of our relationship has remained constant over the years.
But… I didn’t have a real orgasm. I know sex isn’t just about that climax moment, but I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something?
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate the things I do have in life rather than regret what I lack, so it seems silly that I even bring it up. Especially considering that – 41 years later – I didn’t even know how to address the issue with my husband.
Maybe I’m just one of those people who can’t experience this sensation? Should I just give up without trying…or is it worth dropping a potential bomb into my marriage for something I really don’t know I’m missing?
Who, unlucky in lust
Dear Jane, I’m 62 and happily married for 41 years…but I’ve never had an orgasm and I don’t know how to tell my husband
Dear unlucky in lust,
I love the positivity you show, that your lack of orgasm isn’t a deal-breaker, and that you’re still interested in getting your O.
The international bestselling author offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most pressing issues in her weekly column Dear Jane agony aunt
It’s like you have a healthy, great relationship, so I think talking about it with your husband isn’t likely to be the bomb you fear it would be.
First, it’s more common than you might think—in fact, only 10 percent of women find it easy to reach orgasm. If we rule out issues like hormones, medications that may interfere with your ability to reach orgasm, and depression, we can start talking about discovering your erogenous zones. Not your husband, but you.
You didn’t say if you were able to orgasm on your own, and I would suggest this is a good place to start. Get to know your erogenous zones, unlucky. If you don’t masturbate, now is the time to start, when you are completely comfortable, it’s time to find out what you like.
Find out what makes you happy before sharing it with your husband. There are also medications that can help women who are unable to reach orgasm.
Certain antidepressants such as Wellbutrin can be effective, as can a topical cream known as “Scream Cream,” which is a combination drugstore cream that is said to be excellent. Finally, you may want to see a sex therapist.
But if those things don’t work, remember that there’s nothing wrong with you — and you’re not alone. A happy, healthy sex life can be a wonderful part of a long-term relationship, but shared intimacy is perhaps more important than orgasm.
I wish you great luck, and order some scream cream…
Dear Jane,
Recently my parents asked me to move back in with them so I could help take care of them when they were older. They are both in their 70’s, my dad is having some health issues, and my mom is struggling to deal with taking care of them on her own. Which I totally understand.
But I’m 41, I’ve built a life for myself in Chicago, I’ve had a (somewhat!) successful career and I feel like it would all be ruined if I went back to the suburbs to basically have a one-time career.
They insist I can continue to work from home, they keep telling me it’s “only going to be for a few years” which freaks me out.
I hate more than anything to think that I have given up the opportunity to spend their last years with them and feel selfish that I prioritize my life over their comfort.
But every time I think about what they are asking me to do I leave feeling angry. Then guilty. Then angry again. Help me break this vicious circle and tell me what to do?
Who, the rebellious child
Dear rebellious child,
Oh, how do I feel about you. I think it is a terrible injustice for your parents to demand this of you, and I wonder if they would demand the same if you were married and involved with your family.
Either way, it is not appropriate for them to ask you to give up your life, whether it be for a few months or many years. And it may well be that in trying to tackle a problem they clearly face, they turn straight to whatever makes sense to them as a solution.
Fortunately, there are many ways to skin this particular cat, and none of them should involve giving up your life and your well-being.
Start by having a clear conversation about what they need help with. Once you have identified the actual problems they are facing, it may be a good idea that you can identify local resources and/or social workers who can alleviate their problems. I suspect your parents are adept at manipulating you emotionally, and none of these feelings are new to you.
Of course you feel the anger and guilt, but believe me, it would be much worse if you were to give up your life for them.
I am unequivocal in telling you that you cannot give up your life for them. But what you should do is sit down with them and figure out a way to help them further and make them more comfortable. Whether it’s organizing a part-time caregiver, agreeing to go see them once a week, or whatever makes you feel comfortable, there are countless resources that can help.
We love our parents, we owe them, but we don’t owe them our lives. Stay strong, rebellious kid. Do what you can, but make sure it’s on your terms, not theirs.
