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As an increasing number of celebrities – from Chris Packham to Christine McGuinness – reveal that they have been diagnosed with autism in adulthood, it has become clear that there could be many people in the population who don’t know they are neurodiverse.
According to the National Autism Society, between 1 and 2 per cent of the UK population is autistic, and the support group Autistica estimates that two in three adults remain undiagnosed.
Autism is commonly believed to fall on a linear spectrum, with “mildly autistic” at one end and “extremely autistic” at the other.
However, experts say that it is made up of a series of very different traits (such as communication difficulties, need for routine, intense interests, sensitivity to sounds or obsessive-compulsive behaviors) that manifest themselves differently in each person.
In short, the signs that an adult in your life (whether it’s your spouse, your mother, or even your boss) is autistic may not be what you think.
And experts stress that a person must exhibit a certain combination of behaviors to meet the criteria for a diagnosis, rather than just one or two.
Here, we share expert advice on the traits you should look out for when considering whether an adult in your life has autism…
As an increasing number of celebrities, from Chris Packham (below) to Christine McGuinness, reveal that they have been diagnosed with autism in adulthood, it has become clear that there could be many people in the population who don’t know they are neurodiverse .
YOUR HUSBAND
Just because the man in your life is a stickler for routine and can recite every player on the England football team since 1966 doesn’t make him autistic.
But if he is reluctant to hug and seems bewildered when you ask him for support or affection, it could be a sign that autism prevents him from reading your facial expressions and body language.
And do you get angry if he walks past a bin that needs emptying or ignores the pile of dirty clothes on the bedroom floor?
“You might think you’re lazy or deliberately avoiding doing everything possible, but if you’re autistic, you may simply not realize that these tasks need to be done,” says Dr. Jo Mathews, clinical psychologist and specialist. in neurodiversity.
Another identifier, he says, may be an exaggerated sense of grief when a parent dies.
‘There are aspects of life that can seem quite chaotic to a child with autism and often one or both parents will strive to minimize their child’s anxieties.
“When your parents are no longer around, it can feel like the world is ending without that support.”
If you suspect a man in your life is autistic, Dr. Mathews says it doesn’t help to berate him for his apparent failings. “You probably know what you’re bad at, so pointing it out only reinforces a sense of defensiveness that can create difficulties,” he says.
Try making specific requests (“I really need a hug right now”) and explain what tasks you would like him to take on.
YOUR FATHER
Fathers of a certain generation might have seemed quite detached anyway, but for a man with autism this detachment could be amplified.
He may not have been the most involved parent, avoiding “family time” and seeming bewildered when you were angry, his own obsessions taking priority over your needs.
Dr Mathews adds: “For many men, autism may manifest only later in life, often highlighted by the stressful disruption of a carefully ordered routine when young children arrive.”
YOUR WIFE
Women and girls with autism are often much better at “masking” the condition than men and boys. Consciously or unconsciously they use strategies to integrate.
Some become exceptionally skilled at imitating their peers, so they appear to behave like everyone else. However, this can backfire when phrases and traits learned from books, television, or the Internet are misused in an attempt to appear “normal.” This will make autistic women stand out and isolate them even more.
The National Autism Society says the constant stress of wearing masks makes women more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. Among girls, this can also lead to eating disorders and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
Dr. Mathews says women with autism may inadvertently appear controlling in their attempts to stay on safe ground or may be prone to canceling social engagements at the last minute.
“Some of the clients I see have learned to handle one-on-one meetings very well, but they feel secretly anxious about being in a group,” he says.
“Desperate to fit in, they hate to say ‘no’ to an invitation, but find they can’t face it when the time draws near.”
YOUR MOTHER
Did you feel like your mother treated you like a mini-adult instead of the child you were? Did you two clash spectacularly when you reached your teens?
Experts stress that a person must exhibit a certain combination of behaviors to meet the criteria for a diagnosis, rather than just one or two.
‘Motherhood for autistic women can provide brilliant moments of connection, especially if your own child is autistic. However, the noise, mess and lack of predictability associated with children can be overwhelming,” says Dr. Mathews. ‘Autistic women may also find the policy of socializing with other parents very anxiety-provoking.
“As their child matures, women with autism often find it harder to pick up on more subtle social cues, and relationships with their child may become more strained in adolescence or adulthood,” she adds.
YOUR COLLEAGUE
An autistic person may feel more relaxed when it comes to “unmasking” themselves to family and close friends. But they often go to great lengths to hide their autistic characteristics at work, perhaps only revealing their anxieties in very subtle ways.
There’s a chance that autistic women in the workplace are so adept at masking that you’d never know they were autistic. In fact, they may not even know each other.
One sign could be a compulsion to overshare and talk about themselves excessively to appear sociable. They may also try to control the conversation in an attempt to keep things within their “safe zone.”
“Autistic women may prefer to work alone or in small groups with familiar colleagues rather than being part of a large team, and may struggle with everyday office gossip,” says Dr. Mathews.
A boss with autism can be very caring and compassionate, as years of masking could have turned her into a brilliant observer. However, many approach meetings with trepidation and can become very tired from the stress of wearing masks in the workplace, especially if difficulty reading social cues means they don’t know if they are doing it right or not.
An autistic man in the workplace may be very direct in his manner and ask many questions. Dr. Mathews says this happens if you seek clarity, because clarity makes you feel confident, and this can sometimes come across as condescending and call into question your competence.
“Having an autistic person on the team has many positive aspects,” he explains. “If instructions are clear and distractions are minimized, they can show exemplary focus, and being able to see things differently (as they often do) means they can offer brilliant ideas that no one else would have thought of.”
When it comes to a colleague who might be autistic, she says you can make life easier for both of you by being very specific about what you want or need from them.
- For more information, visit autism.org.uk and sign up for Dr Jo Mathews’ free online workshops at doctor-jo.com.