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Welcome to Opt Out, a semi-regular column where we help you navigate your online privacy and show you how to say no to surveillance. The last column covered how to protect your baby photos online.
You are a father and you have decided publicly Posting your baby’s face on the Internet is not for you. You already know how to protect your baby photos online (maybe because you’ve read our guide!). Now it’s just a matter of doing it.
But wait. Minutes after your friends meet your baby for the first time, they post a photo on Instagram. There is no emoji covering your child’s face and it is visible to all their friends, or worse, everyone on the internet. It’s not your friend’s fault! They are delighted for you and got lost in the emotion.
To make this a little easier for you, we’ve surveyed a few people, including experts and parents, on how to handle it.
Prepare to have an awkward conversation.
It’s quite common for a friend or family member to spam a baby post. In the early days of my son’s life, I had made no major pronouncements about whether and how I wanted to publish his photographs. I was hoping people would ask before posting anything or realize that my husband and I weren’t posting pictures of his face. What followed was the very awkward dance of asking people to remove photographs. Everyone was kind and respectful in response, but it’s not a fun conversation.
Addressing the person and your post can be difficult, rude, or just extremely uncomfortable. But it is also very important. Your personal rules about how to handle your child’s privacy are only effective if people who might be around your child know and respect them.
You may want to avoid the topic unless tensions rise. However, speaking from experience, it’s much more awkward to ask someone to delete a photo than it is to preemptively tell them that you won’t post your kids’ photos and that you’d like them to do the same.
Fortunately, the experts we spoke to found that fewer and fewer people are posting photos of other parents’ children without asking permission first. Online privacy expectations for children are improving.
“These open conversations about digital etiquette are starting to happen,” said Stephen Balkam of the Family Online Safety Institute. “At first it’s strange and uncomfortable, but it will get easier with time. ‘Do you mind smoking outside?’ It became normal behavior. “If you did that in the 60s, they would look at you like you were an alien.”
make a massive announcement
Find a way to tell everyone at once about your plans for your child’s photos instead of having a bunch of one-on-one conversations. It’s a little less painful this way, but it’s also less likely that someone will post your child’s photo in a way you’re not comfortable with.
Some of my friends announced the birth of their child on social media and added that they would not share their children’s photos because they wanted their children to be able to decide whether to share their life stories on an app. In one case, they asked their friends and family to practice the same discretion.
If you share photos in a group chat, most services allow you to edit the title, so you can include some type of disclaimer in the chat name. Some options: “Do not share these or anything else” or “Baby photos for you, not Mark Z.”
If you haven’t made any kind of announcement about how you want your children’s photos handled, let people know what your restrictions are when you send them photos directly. For example, I point out the ones that can be published instead of the ones that can’t be shared.
Lead by example
If you’re not looking to make a big announcement, lead by example. For one thing, ask before sharing photos of other parents. But also make sure that the photos you post or share follow your own rules. I have friends who cover their babies’ faces with emojis, a pretty clear announcement that they have decided not to show their children’s faces on social media. Their friends and family have emulated the behavior and hold the children’s faces behind flowers, a smiley face or a heart.
If you’re not sure if a parent is okay with posting their child’s photos on social media, the first thing you should do is ask. You can also scan their social media to see how they handle it.
I only post photos of my son if his face is turned away, and most of my friends realized this pretty quickly. It’s probably also helpful that this article is the third one I’ve written about how to keep my baby pictures private.
‘Be generous in other ways’
My dear friends Chelsea and Drew have decided not to post any photos of their son. This was declared to friends and family when he was born two years ago. While keeping their baby private hasn’t always been easy, they say being “generous with photos in other ways” has eased tensions brewing with their friends and family.
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They regularly share photos in an iCloud album that their friends and family have access to. (The group includes me and I love it). People who are really interested in seeing photos of their children have no shortage of photos and can always keep up with what their child is doing.
A safer option is to share photos via encrypted messaging like Signal, which are more labor-intensive to use, but more private.
Replace your friends
It is also very helpful to recruit people to help you monitor your baby’s privacy. A good way to get people on your side is to explain why you want to protect your children’s photos: Maybe you want your children to be able to consent to their photos being shared, or you’re worried if your children’s photos will be misused by the social media platform or other users.
This way, your friends and family might feel more empowered or motivated to criticize other people when they share photos that you wouldn’t want made public. Certain members of my family, for example, have reminded people that my husband and I do not share photos of our son online. They even took it upon themselves to ask people to take a photo before we had a chance to do so.
Forgive your friends and family
People forget things. As a mother I can attest to this. Be flexible and understanding. Don’t scold your friends and family for posting a photo of your baby.
“If someone violates (your rules), remember that there’s a good chance they just forgot,” my friend Chelsea said. “Give them a reminder, explain it again, and ask them to write it down.”
There is a chance that someone will post your child’s photos against your wishes, or find your rules silly or annoying. Explain your reasoning again and emphasize that it is important to you. If all else fails, you can remind them that having access to their child’s photos is a privilege, not a right.
That said, most people I spoke to found that others are happy to respect parents’ rules.
“It turns out that healthy people respect boundaries and a little training goes a long way,” Drew said.
trust
My last piece of advice: be confident. After all, this is his son. Up to you. It’s one of the many advantages of being a father. You’re not the only one who wants to limit how your baby photos are shared. Forward. Set those boundaries.