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It’s easy to believe in “best friends for life” when you’re 15 and share an obsession with Taylor Swift. However, in middle age, maintaining friendships is much harder. Life is hectic, values change, and friends can drift apart.
But if you miss that lost friendship (whether because you naturally drifted away, were ignored, or it disintegrated spectacularly), it may not be too late to rekindle it, says clinical psychologist DR. FELICITY BAKER. Here’s how to reach out to a long-lost friend without feeling awkward or vulnerable…
Send a neutral message. Something like, “I was wondering how you were doing. Would you like to chat for a while?”
Clinical psychologist Dr Felicity Baker says it may not be too late to rekindle your friendship.
Look at your part in the breakup
Reconnecting can be challenging if there were times when you had difficulty getting along or if the “breakup” was due to an unresolved argument. Before making contact, decide if you’re willing to explore your part in what happened and listen to the other person’s feelings.
They may not want to hear from you or may still be hurt or angry. Your old friend’s memories of what happened may also differ significantly from yours.
BEST APPROACH: Send a neutral message. Something like, “I was wondering how you were doing, fancy a chat?” leaves the ex-friend in the space to ignore. If so, don’t pursue them – not responding is a message in itself.
Taking the initiative can lead to a renewed and lasting friendship. If not, you’ll know you’re free to move on.
Understand your communication styles
Sometimes a friendship falls apart because of unresolved communication difficulties. Friendship patterns are learned behaviors, and criticism, belittling, and bullying often have their roots in our earliest experiences.
If you experienced a persistently critical, controlling, or chaotic upbringing, you may find yourself unconsciously repeating these negative patterns in your friendships.
Relationships that reflect negative early experiences can trigger anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem, but they can also be very comfortable, as familiarity can make us feel as if the person really understands us.
But unless they can change the way they relate to each other, meeting again will lead them straight to the problems that drove them apart.
BEST APPROACH: Think about what kind of previous relationships your friendship reflected and whether you really want to return to that style of communication. Approach him only if you think you can both change.
Don’t apologize for everything
If you’ve had a fight, it may be the right thing to do to step in and apologize profusely, but the devastating issue you’ve been worrying about for years may not even be on your friend’s radar.
When you do contact him, ask his point of view on the consequences before trying to resolve it. Starting a conversation will allow you to decide together how to move forward (or not).
BEST APPROACH: Don’t assume you know how they feel about the breakup – ask them and listen. They may be happy to put the friendship behind them – if so, accept their right to move on.
Look for solid foundations
Friends often drift apart due to “drifting apart,” usually when one of their lives changes. A move, a new job, a baby… Suddenly, they have less time and perhaps fewer things in common.
Whatever the reason, if your friendship was on solid ground to begin with, chances are that if you decide to rekindle it, you’ll stick with it. You may need to identify what caused the rift and ask yourself if there have been any changes in the interim (maybe you now have older children or your jobs are less demanding) that give your friendship a better chance of success this time around.
BEST APPROACH: A friendly call or text to ask if they fancy grabbing a coffee and catching up. No need to apologize – the distraction is usually mutual.
Don’t convince yourself otherwise
It can be easy to overthink reaching out to a lost friend. The fear of rejection doesn’t just occur in romantic relationships. Friends we’ve shared intimacies with hold a lot of power, and being rejected can hurt.
Negative thoughts and predictions – “they won’t remember me,” “they’ll be mad that it took me so long to get back to them,” “they probably have enough friends” – can sap your motivation, increase anxiety, and encourage avoidance.
It helps to start small and lower your expectations. Ask a few polite questions at first: mention your hopes to a mutual friend or find them on social media and say “hi.”
BEST APPROACH: Take action, no matter how small. Taking initiative can lead to a friendship that lasts a lifetime. If not, you’ll know you’re free to move on.
Let the old ghosts be
Ghosting is an active choice to distance yourself from the friendship. Ghosting indicates a lack of interest and commitment – there is no willingness to resolve the issues. If you have ever been ghosted, trying to resolve it can put you at risk of feeling more rejected. Your ex-friend may not even know or remember why they ghosted you, and it can be futile to seek answers. Instead, it can lead to overthinking, self-blame, or anger, leading to more negative emotions and uncertainty.
BEST APPROACH: Don’t do it! If you must, send a polite message asking if they’d be willing to talk, but don’t expect a response. You may never know.
- ultimateresilience.co.uk