This summer we are taking our 15-year-old daughter’s best friend on vacation. How much should we charge her family? The holiday costs £400 but my husband says we should take it for free.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: The first thing I invite you to do is get in touch with the reasons because You decided to take this friend on vacation: is it because it will make your daughter happy?
Could it also be to keep her busy and give you and your partner some free time? If that’s the case, then all those benefits have value. It may be difficult to quantify, but it is good to keep in mind the fact that this is not only an act of generosity, but there is also something to be gained from it.
Vicky Reynal suggests talking openly about money in the initial conversation if you want to take a friend on vacation.
That said, being a travel companion has real costs and covering more than you can afford or are comfortable with can make you, as the host, resentful and could cause financial strain.
I think what makes this situation especially difficult is the timing: you’ve already agreed to take them on vacation. Both you and the other family (and the children) now have expectations and you have not given the other family the opportunity to incorporate money into your decision-making process.
In the future, if you want to take a friend on vacation but money is a limiting factor, I would suggest talking openly about money in the initial conversation.
Asking for money now might seem fake. It could also lead to a number of uncomfortable outcomes, such as them reluctantly giving you money or potentially changing their mind about your daughter joining. We all have different sensitivities and preferences when it comes to the dynamic of giving and receiving.
Some people may feel more easily taken advantage of and focus on ensuring that such arrangements are fair, other people are more comfortable with (or even expect) relationship dynamics where they give more than they receive.
This means that it’s natural for you and your husband to have a different opinion on this, but it also means that your friends may have a different opinion than you, so their response is hard to predict: would they have offered anyway or they will do it? Be surprised or upset by your request?
So in the current situation, it is necessary to consider the following:
If you are able to cover the costs and control your feelings about it, then I probably wouldn’t mention money at this stage: you would risk ruining this important relationship. There is still a chance that parents will offer some pocket money or even more to cover some of the expenses, but of course this cannot be counted on to happen.
If the thought of covering the costs fills you with anger or resentment at the fact that the parents expect you to pay for their daughter in full, and if you have trouble managing these feelings, then the relationship is, in a sense, already over. been compromised. That’s when it’s worth taking the risk to say something.
In this case I would approach the parents and acknowledge that it would have been better for you to have brought up the subject of money sooner. Explain that you were hoping they could help cover some of the costs associated with your daughter attending the trip.
If this bothers them, you can recognize that perhaps they were not expecting it and an agreement may have to be reached. Can all Learn from this experience, discuss what might be better for next time, and continue on good terms. Relations can surviving conflict: it’s all a matter of how you manage it.
Do you have any questions for Vicky? Email Vicky.Reynal@dailymail.co.uk. Vicky’s book, Money On Your Mind: the psychology behind your financial habits, £16.99 is available now.