Our nanny has told us that she is going to increase her fees in September. I think it is worth it because our children adore her and we trust her completely.
But my husband thinks she knows how much we love her and depend on her and that’s why she takes us for fools.
I secretly agree with my husband, but I just want us to keep her because it’s so hard to find reliable daycare.
I’m worried that if we try to negotiate, she’ll just stop working for us. And there are a lot of families in our area who need nannies. What can we do?
The big question: How can I negotiate with our nanny as her fees increase without losing her to our neighbors?
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: Most parents will agree with you: it’s hard to find a reliable daycare, but that doesn’t mean you have to give in to their request without thinking twice, or at least try to negotiate.
Having a tentative conversation with her about the topic is very different from approaching it as an aggressive negotiation or ultimatum. There are ways to reduce the risk that she will respond negatively to your desire to have a conversation about this topic.
First, I would advise you to do some research to help you get a better idea of whether or not she is playing you for a fool.
Vicky Reynal recommends finding a compromise with the nanny so that everyone is happy, especially the child.
Rates may have gone up since you hired her, so asking what the range is can be reassuring because even if you end up at the top of the range, you may take comfort in the fact that in exchange for a higher rate, you’ll be able to keep a nanny your kids know and love and who you value, too.
It is emotionally very costly to go through the process of recruiting a new person, for the children to get used to them, for you and them to discover what each of you likes/prefers.
The process of getting into a routine with someone may not be something you can imagine now that she’s already established, but it could be very valuable for you to avoid that all over again.
When you approach her for a conversation, start with the positive: how much you value and appreciate her; specific feedback is always appreciated (and more credible), so I would point out some things you particularly like about how she works with your family and children.
You can then tell her that her request is a good opportunity to take stock. At first, keep a fairly broad focus: Is she happy with the way things are going?
Are there things you like or dislike about your job? What do you find most difficult?
You can then move on to what prompted her to raise the rate. All of this information is useful and will help you negotiate.
You may find that your landlord actually raised your rent and you’re now struggling to make ends meet (not an unlikely scenario if you live in London, for example), which may make you feel less “exploited” by the request.
Or, you may find that you are moving apartments, which increases your travel costs, but there may be solutions that can help reduce travel costs (you can facilitate a carpool, one of you can drive her, etc.).
If, on the other hand, you find that she feels she has been working too many hours, you might think about it and conclude that she could actually be working a few hours less: you could agree to keep her salary the same but in exchange for her leaving earlier on Fridays, for example.
This way, her total costs don’t increase, but she effectively gets an hourly raise. The scenarios are endless when there’s more information at hand.
One family I spoke to, for example, found a compromise by accepting the higher rate, but in exchange the nanny (who was French) offered the children a 30-minute French class twice a week (something she enjoyed doing since she was training on the weekends to get a teaching certificate).
The point is to try to assess what motivated the request and what is valued beyond money, in order to create a space in which a more creative solution can emerge.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk.
Vicky’s book Money On Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, from Bonnier Books, £16.99, is available now.