I am the grandmother of three beautiful children and I happily look after them during the school holidays.
Taking them out of the house adds up and I’d like to ask my son for, say, £30 a day to cover ice cream and tickets to zoos and attractions.
Neither he nor my daughter-in-law, who both work full-time, have offered money for miscellaneous items. I don’t want to be left without money, but I don’t want to ruin our lovely relationship either.
Can you help?
EL, Barnes
Babysitting so parents can have free child care and go to work is an act of generosity
I don’t see anything wrong with asking for it. You’re not actually asking to be compensated for caring for them – you don’t mind it, you enjoy it! But it has a real financial cost that could make you resent it, if nothing is said about it and it automatically falls on you.
Asking is different from demanding: you are creating space for a conversation. If your child seems reluctant to comply with your request, try to understand why. He may say that he would prefer you do something more local, less expensive, to avoid those costs (and give you some ideas).
You may want to address this or share more information to help reach an agreement. For example, it could be that going to the few free local activities may be a little boring for you and the kids, so budgeting for new attractions is in everyone’s interest. It’s about creating space for a conversation where you both feel heard and work to reach an agreement.
What can money buy? If it’s buying happy memories for grandparents and grandchildren, then it’s money your child might be happy to spend.
You may feel unhappy, hurt, or angry that you haven’t been offered money for miscellaneous items. It could be that because they are at a very different stage in their life and financial situation, and are not retired, they have not thought about the financial implications of their situation.
It’s similar to what happens when people who don’t have children don’t think about the childcare costs involved in attending a wedding. It’s something they just haven’t had to think about, so they don’t automatically empathize with it.
But before you ask, I invite you to check if this request has a hidden meaning.
Do you feel that your son and daughter-in-law do not appreciate your help as much as you would like?
Maybe they haven’t really expressed or shown gratitude and you feel taken for granted.
Rather than saying that more directly, it might seem easier to say, “By the way, this is costing us £30 a day.”
Sometimes it is easier to make financial demands than emotional ones. You have been very generous (both financially and with your time) and if generosity is not received with gratitude, it can make one feel exploited or taken for granted.
“Expecting” grandparents to be generous creates a bad dynamic where we are not grateful when they are. Plus, generosity doesn’t have to be financial – babysitting so they can have free childcare and go to work is also an act of generosity. That’s why it’s important not to take generosity for granted and it definitely shouldn’t cause financial strain.
By asking for the £30 you are setting healthy boundaries around your generosity so that you can continue to give joyfully and without resentment.
It can be difficult to discuss financial issues with family. There is room for misinterpretation and misunderstanding, but you can minimize those risks by thinking carefully about how you communicate this to your son and daughter-in-law. Make it clear to him that you take great pleasure in caring for your grandchildren and that you do not need compensation for this. If it’s about appreciation and gratitude, say so. If it’s more of the reality that costs are piling up and you’re feeling the financial strain of it, that can be explained as well. They both want the same thing: for the children to be happy and for the grandparents to enjoy time with them.
By approaching the conversation with care, openness, and a spirit of collaboration, you can address your financial concerns without jeopardizing your positive relationship.
Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk. Vicky Reynal’s book Money on your Mind, the psychology behind your financial habits, is out now from Bonnier Books, £16.99.
