Dear Jana,
I’m thinking about canceling my wedding. A couple weeks ago, we each had our separate bachelor and bachelorette parties and agreed to have strippers. I was comfortable with some level of physical interaction, like a lap dance.
However, I later learned from a friend of a friend that my fiancé allegedly received oral sex from the stripper in front of everyone. He denies it, but I asked my friends to subtly ask their partners if they saw anything, and the accounts are conflicting: one friend’s partner, who is not very trustworthy, said it happened, while others say they saw nothing.
I tried to contact the stripper company, but they have not responded.
Since we are supposed to be getting married in two weeks and guests are already making travel plans, should I stand by my decision to cancel the wedding despite the lack of solid evidence?
Anonymous
Girl, she did it.
You know he did it, I know he did it, the strip company knows he did it. Oh, and ALL of his friends know he did it. But like the old “what happens on tour, stays on tour” scenario, they’re never going to admit it.
Jana Hocking shares her tips with Aussies on sticky, sexy and downright awkward situations
Now, here’s an idea: how about postponing the wedding instead of canceling it right away? Then, ask him directly and don’t just listen to what he says, but also pay attention to his body language. I remember talking to an FBI investigator a few months ago, and he told me that there are some easy signs to spot to tell if someone is lying to you:
– Not making eye contact or making too much eye contact
– Rapid blinking: Liars apparently blink up to eight times faster than someone telling the truth.
– Overreacting: Trying to trick you into thinking you’re being ridiculous.
– Restlessness: oh, a sure sign of nerves!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this before one of the most magical days of your life, but you better know before you walk down the aisle. Divorce is expensive!
Dear Jana,
Okay, here’s the thing: I started dating an amazing woman who’s a huge TV star. She has a huge following and her career far outstrips mine. I’m just a plumber, you know? It’s hard not to feel like I’m not up to par, especially when all these guys are constantly hitting on her every time we go out.
I’m trying not to let jealousy get the better of me, but I’m seriously suffering from imposter syndrome. How can I overcome these feelings and see myself as his equal in this relationship? I’m worried that I’ll end up sabotaging things because of my own insecurities. Any advice on how to handle this?
Anonymous
Oh, anonymous, from one green-eyed monster to another, let me be frank with you. Jealousy is complete mental shit. Believe me, I too have suffered a nasty attack from it from time to time, and do you know where it got me? To being abandoned! That’s where.
So, trust me when I tell you that you need to let go. Sure, it sounds a little easier said than done, but luckily I came up with a few helpful reminders you can tell yourself whenever you feel a little like Shrek:
1. Remember that she chose YOU. I have no doubt that she has probably dated a lot of attention-grabbing seducers and is probably tired of it all. So be proud that she is longing for a wonderfully normal guy who can bring her back down to earth.
2. She works in a tough industry that probably requires her to be in touch with her masculine energy. The fact that you are a big, masculine plumber probably allows her to revert to her feminine energy. So treat her like a princess and embrace the idea that she likes you for your masculine craft and demeanor. It’s a positive, not a negative.
Wise words: “I too have suffered from a nasty bout of jealousy from time to time, and do you know where it led me? To being abandoned! That’s where,” says Jana.
3. Remember that even though her life may seem glitzy and glamorous, I assure you it probably isn’t. Sure, there are some fun lunches and awards nights, but she also has to deal with big egos, layoffs, fierce competition, and an industry that cares little for an aging beauty. So, if you take away the lights, the camera, and the action, she’s just like any other person trying to climb the career ladder and juggle a healthy love life.
One last word: change the narrative when it comes to feeling insecure about guys trying to hit on her. Instead of feeling threatened, how about reminding yourself that she’s really hot and YOU can be with her? Appreciate her admiration and pat yourself on the back for hooking up with a hot girl. In fact, it could be a big turn-on. Use it.
Dear Jana,
I am addicted to cheating on my husband. I love him with all my heart, but the thought that he will be my only lover for the rest of my life makes me very sad.
I love being single and having the world at my feet. When I’m away for work, I get really excited about going to bars to pick up men. Dressing sexy, flirting, getting that first kiss, having illicit sex in my hotel room, and the naughty messages I get on my Signal app that I know my husband will never see. It makes me feel alive.
I’ve tried to quit everything, but life is a bit boring. I know I run the risk of him finding out, but it’s like a drug. How can I quit without feeling like I’m missing something?
Anonymous
Dear anonymous,
My goodness, what a mess you’ve gotten yourself into! Before we all get out our pitchforks and metaphorically burn you at the stake, let’s take a closer look at this rather outrageous issue.
I understand that the thrill of these secret naked encounters can be highly addictive. Honestly. However, I think there is something deeper at play here…
It seems like life is a little boring for you without the thrill of the search. Is it all about the novelty and excitement, or is there something missing in your current relationship? Sometimes, what we think we’re craving on the outside can actually be a sign that something on the inside needs attention.
Maybe it’s your self-esteem? Many people need that external validation to feel complete (I’m talking about all the married men who have ever DM’d me!), but trust me, with a little self-reflection you can find it within yourself. I know this all sounds a little strange, but it’s true.
I think you should also consider having an open conversation with your husband about your needs and desires. It may seem overwhelming, but maybe you could try doing some “exciting” things together, like going to a swingers club or having sex somewhere you shouldn’t (like a movie theater). Doing these things together might help you avoid doing them in secret.
You might be surprised to discover that your husband also has a naughty side that wants to come out. Shift your enthusiasm in a new (and more inclusive) direction and you might just save your relationship.