The public proposals appear to have added an extra fear factor for women hoping to stay out of the spotlight and avoid online ridicule for saying no.
Rejection videos shared online are met with either support or shame, demanding a “yes” to avoid humiliation from their partner.
Whether it’s in front of a man dressed as Elmo in Times Square or in front of your entire family gathered together, proposing publicly can be seen as manipulative and a form of coercion into saying yes due to the added pressure from onlookers.
And the folks at Reddit seem to agree.
A post on the site’s infamous “Am I an Idiot?” thread details the experience of a woman who received a public proposal ten months into her relationship.
The public proposals appear to have added an extra fear factor for women hoping to stay out of the spotlight and avoid online ridicule for saying no.
A post on the site’s popular thread Am I an Idiot? details the experience of a woman who received a public proposal ten months into her relationship.
The 22-year-old was dating her 26-year-old boyfriend while she continued her studies and he looked for work. They had never talked about marriage, except that they knew they were both dating with intentions of getting married at some point.
They had only been living together four months and after such a short time she felt that they were not at a stage where they were ready for marriage.
But he took her out to dinner to celebrate her birthday and, surrounded by a crowd of people, he popped the question.
She wrote: “I’ve seen too many embarrassing public rejections and I just couldn’t do that to him so… I said yes. I knew it was wrong so as I hugged him I whispered, “We’ll have to talk in private.” He smiled but was visibly nervous.”
Later, she was faced with having to tell him that she didn’t want to embarrass him in public and that she didn’t want to get married yet.
‘I was hurt that he didn’t consult me first. Obviously things got heated because he realized his proposal was basically false. I thought I had reached an agreement when I asked him if we could have a long-term engagement to figure out life and things. He agreed, but has been cold towards me ever since.
“I know I was wrong and I respect him for feeling hurt, but am I really the jerk?”
This sentiment is shared by many women who have been in a similar position, or those who fear a public proposal, not only because of the feeling of public humiliation, but also facing the wrath of the Internet.
Rejection videos shared online are met with either support or shame, demanding a “yes” to avoid humiliation from their partner.
Michele Velazquez, co-owner of a professional proposal planning company called The Heart Bandits, said, “An introvert would be mortified by a flash mob proposal in a mall.”
One user responded by saying: “It’s an extreme form of peer pressure. NO ONE wants to be that bitch that rejected the guy in front of all the cameras, family, and friends. This is what viral videos are made of.”
Another person agreed, saying, “I knew someone who turned down her partner at a baseball game. He had used his influence to get them to go to the field and propose to her. She turned him down simply because she didn’t feel ready to marry him yet.
‘She became the most hated woman in our town, received death threats and was harassed by several people. Of course, they broke up. She was shocked when he proposed because they hadn’t talked about marriage at all and suddenly he blindsided her.’
Many commented on the possibility that a public proposal might not be as sweet as it seems.
While there is a lot at stake for the person presenting the ring, there is a belief that such awkward public proposals arise from selfishness and a lack of consideration for their partner’s feelings.
One person wrote: “It was awful. My ex was all about himself. I had driven hours to see him perform at a college basketball event. I almost didn’t go, but his sister really pressured me to go see him. There was a huge crowd and his entire family was there.”
They quickly noticed a change in the atmosphere and with cameras pointed at her from all angles, she was ready to flee.
“It was one of the worst moments of stage fright of my life. In retrospect, I should have realized that my feelings weren’t important to him and taken it as a sign of what the future would be like with him.”
The user described how she hid the details of the proposal from her family out of shame. Her now ex-husband is getting married to the woman he cheated on her with, but the video of his proposal haunts her as the owner refused to take it down because it was “her most liked video.”
This experience seems to be all too common: another user shared a proposal at his birthday party and added the same complications.
Another said: “My then-boyfriend proposed to me at my birthday party in front of everyone. Since everyone was watching and I didn’t want to make a scene, I felt like I had no choice but to say yes, even though he was manipulative and not a nice person. We broke up soon after, but it wasn’t nice to have everyone think we were happily married.”
Michele Velazquez, co-owner of a professional proposal planning company called The Heart Bandits, said The knot‘An introvert might be embarrassed by an impromptu marriage proposal in a mall. They might prefer a private place where no one else is around.’
He added that the pressure that comes with proposing in the first place is only exemplified in public: “This pressure is felt by the proposer because he knows that everyone is watching and expecting a yes, and it also makes the proposer feel pressured to say yes.”
Reddit users echoed similar sentiments, saying that often the discussion about marriage had not been had beforehand, resulting in an embarrassing “no” for both parties.
One commenter posted: ‘This is why you shouldn’t propose publicly if you haven’t talked about it and you know for a fact that the person you’re asking will say yes AND want it done in front of other people. Some of us are introverts and would be horrified and uncomfortable with a public display like that. It’s also worrying that I don’t know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t want a public proposal.’
Not everyone was completely against the idea, some agreed that the romantic gesture might be exactly what your partner would like. The key seems to be to understand your partner and talk about it first.
In a Reddit thread dedicated to discussing the idea of public proposals, another person said: “I think it’s really sweet as long as the proposer knows that their partner loves public proposals and would love for it to happen, and they’ve both talked about wanting to get married soon. People who put their partner on the spot are doing something manipulative, whether they mean to or not.”
Others were not completely against a public proposal, but just a crowd, as one said in the same thread, that they were proposed to do it in public but in the botanical gardens, away from any crowds.
“I would have been very shy and self-conscious during the process, even if my answer wouldn’t have changed. It was nice to have that more private moment when he popped the question.”
Wedding planning experts at The Knot have shared the do’s and don’ts for planning a “smooth and memorable” public proposal.
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